-Can not. And you are many things, but stupid is not one of them. You’re going to stop saying that now because I don’t live in fear of him anymore, Sunny. And you too should stop living in fear. I spent years losing sleep over that threat. And I’m done. Blind, perhaps? But I can relate. We are often blind to the people we love most.
The expression on Jasper’s face right now is one of pure concentration and determination. Pure love.
But I get over it. I push it away. I close my heart. Sometimes loving means losing, and I love him enough to do it. If he needs it, I will do it.
“But what if he can?” What if he can cut you at the knees and make everything disappear? It’s not outside the realm of possibility as far as Robert Winthrop is concerned. So what would you do?
Jasper blinks, staying still in the silent SUV.
My hand squeezes his as I put everything on the table. The question I know will make or break my heart.
“Are you willing to risk it?”
I purse my lips, hoping Jasper will say that of course he’s going to risk it. But I’m also looking forward to him saying no. I want him to keep what he worked so hard to achieve, not throw it all away for a girl in love.
The seconds drag on and Jasper says absolutely nothing. His gaze is lost and his eyes are fixed on a distant place.
I can imagine where. A day ago a long, long time ago. One that still haunts his every decision, one that I don’t know if he will ever be free of.
Jasper feels that his decision that day made him lose everyone he loved.
Now I’m worried that he will be forced to make a decision that will put him back there again.
But he doesn’t say anything. It doesn’t tell me what I want to hear. And it doesn’t tell me what I don’t want to hear. It just freezes. Like that day in the getaway lane.
And somehow that hurts more. My heart feels raw in my chest, like it’s trying to climb up my throat to escape the pain of being in my body.
My head understands his indecision, but my heart wanted him to say: Yes! I’m willing to take that risk.
My heart needed me to say that.
I squeeze his hand once more and swallow to maintain my composure. If I can dance on my toes, I can get out of this vehicle without falling apart.
-No problem. I understand. But I think you should go home to the city tonight. Make sure you’re ready for your matches this week. Take the time and space. We both need it. I will call you.
I will call you. I almost laugh at how cliche I sound. What could be worse? It’s not you, it’s Me? When he doesn’t respond, I look at his face. His features show a frozen expression that looks familiar to me.
“I know you’re falling apart right now. I can see you falling apart before my eyes, Jas. But I also know that you have to be the one to pull yourself together. If it’s me, I’ll always be the one to patch you up when you break. Getting you off that ledge. And I can’t be responsible for the rest of our lives. That has to come from you. -My voice breaks. I can barely pull myself together these days.
I pat his hand and walk away, leaving the warmth of his vehicle behind, turning with my head high to head for the front door. With an even but forced rhythm, I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. I lean on my years of training and walk gracefully, shoulders back and head held high.
I don’t lose my composure until I close the door, the engine revs and the wheels crunch on the snow-covered street.
Then I break down too.
35
Sloane
Summer: I think we need to have a drunk brunch.
Willa: I am. Pregnant.
Summer: It’s not always about you, Willa.
Willa: Who else could it be?
Summer: Winter just showed up and asked if we could get coffee. I really want to talk to her. But. . . I don’t know what to talk to her about. I need people to interfere.
Willa: Can you talk about how shitty her husband is? How cute is Theo?
Summer: I won’t touch any of that with a ten-foot pole. Plus, Sloane could be dead. She’s lying on the floor of my gym looking at the ceiling.
Willa: Sloane. Answer your phone. Death is not an option. You are too young and sexy. And I still haven’t figured out how big Jasper’s cock is.
Sloane: Why don’t you ask him?
Summer: Lmao. Yes, Wils. Send him an informal message.
Willa: You’re alive! It’s so tall! His hands are so BIG. Please confirm the size.
Sloane: Her feet are big too.
The neon lights above me flicker and I watch as a long light bulb goes out completely. From looking at them so much, small spots appear in front of my eyes.
I was hot when I finished dancing, but now the sweat on my skin has cooled and discomfort seeps through my pores. I still don’t move.
Discomfort is my new default.
I’ve been in this studio for hours, dancing until I can’t think anymore. I do not want to think. I was awake all night in bed thinking.
I even thought about replying to Jasper’s message this morning. And then I didn’t because I don’t know what to say.
Good morning.
Not really. It’s not a good morning. It’s a shitty morning. And I love him so much that I could easily fall into hating him. I might say something cruel. It could make you feel bad.
It might make me feel better for a minute to lash out at him. Make it hurt as intensely as it hurts me.
But deep down I know that it already is. I know it . I know you’re panicking. It’s locked up.
Frozen as in the steep escape lane.
I know he is suffering and that kills me.
The worst thing is that I pushed him away. I thought it would be better for him this way. Now I’m not sure that’s true. I’m not sure of anything, not even myself.
For years I wanted to get inside Jasper’s head. Until now. Now, I think it’s better not to know what’s going on inside his head.
That way it hurts less.
“Okay, you’ve been lying here too long. My sister is a doctor, so she’s coming to check you out.
My head rolls across the floor to look at Summer at the door to the gym’s back studio. She’s leaning against the frame while her equally adorable blonde sister stands next to her, looking noticeably uncomfortable in her robe and down jacket.
She greets me with an awkward gesture and a tight smile, not as homicidal as the night I saw her for the first time.
I raise a hand in his direction.
-I’m perfect. There is no reason to be alarmed. But you have to change a light bulb here. I gesture toward the ceiling. Actually, if we’re offering doctor’s advice… is looking at light bulbs bad for my eyes?
Winter shrugs.
“It’s probably not ideal.”