-I was not there?
-No. She shakes her head vigorously, reaching forward to press the elevator button. Just me, burning around to find my things. It’s funny…” He looks over his shoulder at the door.
-That?
“I just… I thought I was going back there to get my things.” That I needed my things. But as soon as I entered, I wanted to come back here. With you. Hell, I didn’t want to be here today at all, and I told myself I would only pick up the things that were important. The things that meant something to me. So I walked around looking for them but… I didn’t find them.
“Did that idiot do something to your things?”
-No no. It’s just… nothing in there means anything to me. I have lived there for a few months and I have no attachment to anything. There was nothing… important. Not a single memory of my time with him that I wanted. People say I’m too sentimental, but I couldn’t find a single thing in there to feel sentimental about.
Damn, how sad. I don’t like Sterling, but Sloane is a different story. And hearing that she was living a life that had so little meaning to her hurts, damn it. I slide my extra hand along the small of her back to reassure her.
“What do I have in this box?”
“Oh, that? Yes. I ended up taking everything that was mine and putting it in there.
I snort.
“I thought none of that mattered?”
She lifts her face and looks like royalty as she lifts her chin.
“It’s not like that, but I’m not going to leave a piece of me in there.” Not even my favorite fries. Not even a toothbrush. I want to disappear from his life. Disappear-snaps his fingers-as if he had never existed in that attic. For a while, I felt like he deserved an explanation. But I think not anymore. It was the only closure I needed.
He takes one small step closer to me, which is all the confirmation I need. Deep down, I know we’ve never chosen between the two.
But anyway, it feels good to be chosen.
It also feels good when I slide my hand down and shove a good handful up his Levi’s clad ass while winking over my shoulder at that flashing red light. Because I know Sterling Woodcock will review these tapes.
31
Sloane
Jasper: How’s my girl? I’ll be back tonight. Shall we see you at the ranch?
Sloane: Yes. Very good. Especially when you call me that.
Jasper: My girl?
Sloane: Yes. Haha. I never thought I’d hear that.
Jasper: Sunny, you’ve always been my girl.
The water runs down my back in the silent studio. There is no bar and the ground is too soft for the pointes.
And I don’t remember a time when I liked to dance so much.
Possibly as a child, before it became competitive and came with criticism about my body. Before my feet hurt so much I could barely walk.
For over a month, I have danced however I wanted, ignoring each and every one of my responsibilities and enjoying every moment of independence.
I sit in the box and watch all of Jasper’s games.
I wait at the exit and feel my heart race when his tall, broad figure appears in the doorway. I am delighted when he comes straight to me, kisses me and presses me to his chest. I make love to him whenever I want.
I dance when I want.
I eat what I want.
I only answer the calls I want.
I sleep until I want.
I spend my hard earned money however I want.
I finally live for myself and I feel qualified to do so.
I feel reborn.
Jasper and I have taken refuge in the house at the end of the block. It’s right behind Summer’s gym, so it’s easy for me to socialize and dance.
When Jasper goes away to play, I go on a night out with Willa and Summer, or out to dinner with Harvey, or help Cade check all the electric waterers on the ranch. Or I stay up late putting coats of paint on Jasper’s bungalows.
I’ve watched YouTube videos on how to install new faucets, and Jasper never tells me I can’t or shouldn’t or that it’s something a man should do.
Nobody knows.
Instead, he walks in, smiles a little with his hands in his pockets, and tells me I look fabulous. What a great job I have done. How capable I am.
It makes me believe in myself.
Then he sends me to bed, but I like that part.
The rest makes me realize how helpless I’ve been taught to be my entire life. It awakens an unknown rage in me, which prevents me from answering any of my father’s calls.
I miss him and at the same time I am furious with him. I miss who I thought he was – the relationship I thought we had – and yet this new perspective I’ve gained makes me hate him at the same time.
I have had time and space to reflect on the controlling way he treats my mother, the way he has always treated her. The way he talks to the wait staff, the way he tramples anyone he considers beneath him.
Which is alarmingly similar to how he has treated me. The only difference is that with me he uses a sugary voice and calls me ‘honey’ while pushing me to the places he wants. The places that benefit him the most while he sucks my soul.
Without this distance, I don’t know if I would have noticed. She would still be a pretty mannequin, born and raised to appear in his world.
But that era is over. I plan to confront him at some point, to demand the respect he has never given me. And every day I am closer. Every day I get stronger.
Distance has given me perspective, but also a totally new pride in my ability, in my intelligence. Women like Summer and Willa around me reinforce my inner strength.
And the support of men like Jasper, Harvey, Rhett, and Cade makes me feel less self-conscious about this new version of myself. The one who does weird dances in the back room of a gym and drinks coffee at eleven at night so she can tear up the vomit-green shag carpet until two in the morning and admire the hardwood floors underneath.
I feel… found. I like helping Cade and Harvey on the ranch. I enjoy doing sporadic jobs. I still like to dance, but I have recovered it for myself. Now my body doesn’t fuss when I dance, but sings with it.
I don’t know what all this will hold for me in the long term, but I’m provisionally happy.
Tentatively optimistic.
I sit on the floor and fold over my legs, sinking into the stretch. My body is warm and buttery and I feel a deep sense of accomplishment, like I’ve flattened another little corner of the map of my life that was crumpled in my head while I danced today.
Jasper comes back from an away game and we’re having Christmas dinner at Wishing Well Ranch. It’s a week until Christmas, but there’s an atmosphere at the ranch that always makes it feel like Christmas.
Warm. Cozy. Familiar.
A Christmas like a movie, without a gala dress or a caviar canape in sight.
I curl my fingers around the arches of my feet and press my breasts against my legs, the bones of my abs against the floor.