He took off the towel.
“Did you want to watch me fuck my hand while I pretended to be you in those tiny shorts?” Is that why you broke in here?
My torso tightens and goosebumps form on the back of my neck, cold sweat on my temples.
I swallow and move on.
“I’m talking about the tattoo, Jas.
Now look up, see where I’m pointing, and raise your left arm. I see the little dancer tattooed on her skin. They look like the ones inside a jewelry box I had thought about before.
“Oh.” -Sighs-. That.
-That. That.
Jasper drops the towel and closes the space between us, completely naked and confident, his cock still full and looking so fucking delicious. He puts a hand on each of my knees and opens them. Keeping my legs pressed together was taking away the pain inside me, and I groan before biting my lower lip to shut myself up. I’m soaked and I’m sure he knows it.
He gets between my open legs as if he knows that’s where he belongs and raises his left arm to let me see the tattoo up close.
She is delicate and has a serene, doll-like expression, with her hands raised in a perfect pirouette position. The ribbons of her pointe shoes wrap around her ankles as she spins, and the little dots texture the lace of her tutu.
I reach out and run my fingertips over the inked tulle, as if the texture could be real. But all I find is soft skin, firm muscles, and sharp breathing from the beautiful man in front of me. Jasper watches my fingers as I slide them over every detail of the little ballerina under his arm.
-That…? I shake my head, trying to put my words into coherent order. What is this?
“I thought you’d find it familiar,” he jokes, letting it sink in as his hips bump against the inside of my thighs. His thick cock so close.
I tilt my head and look at him.
-Because?
He knows I’m talking about why he has a dancer tattooed when the rest are drawings: scales, lines and geometric shapes that remind me of a kaleidoscope.
His Adam’s apple bobs.
-Because I missed your first professional dance. -He clears his throat, looking at my hands and avoiding my eyes-. I wanted to be there so badly after all the times you had been there for me, so I went and did something that night to commemorate it in my own way.
I blink rapidly to clear my eyes.
You said you were reviewing the game tape.
His right hand squeezes my knee and slides down my thigh, fingers sneaking under the hem of my shorts, kicking up more dust than ever.
“Do you really think I’d miss your big night to review the game tape?”
“I…” I stop because, no. If I think about it, I know I wouldn’t do it. He’s always been there for me, and that night was an exception. Looking back, it doesn’t make sense that he missed it. But you’ve been coming since then.
“I started going when I figured your father wouldn’t be there to catch me. Your debut night was too risky. But I saw the show. I went a few weeks after starting and sat alone in the stalls.
I rest my palm on his ribs and turn my face to his, his breath fanning over my wet lips.
-Because
His pupils move between my eyes before he sighs and says, “It took me a while to realize it.” Years, in fact, to sort out my feelings, make sense of them, figure out where they came from and where they were going. I thought you were just a friend. But to tell me to stay away? To tell me I couldn’t have you? It broke something inside me. Tell me I wasn’t good enough for you? All it did was make me want to be good enough for you.
I moan.
“You’ve always been good enough for me.”
He grabs my chin and looks at me closely under the bright lights.
“I never felt like it was.” But now yes.
My head swims with his admission. Excitement fights with frustration. Desire fights with self-preservation.
“I need a minute,” I tell him as I push him gently. And I leave the bathroom.
After years of pining for Jasper Gervais, I’m in shock. And I can’t think clearly with his naked body against me.
I feel tired. I feel sad. I am angry.
I feel so fucking hot I could burst.
twenty-one
Sloane
I climb into my squeaky cot, feeling it wobble as I berate myself for being so stubborn as to think that this rickety children’s bed – which has probably suffered some nighttime accident – was a better idea than sleeping in the same bed as Jasper.
The thud of his feet in the room makes the cot shake. I have my back to him and my eyes closed, so my hearing is heightened. I hear him putting on his clothes. The zipper of your bag. The snap of his huge, stupid head as it entered through the collar of his shirt.
The head that appears every time I close my eyes lately. How could he see me like this for so long and not say anything? Seeing me date others, almost marrying one?
I guess I should ask myself the same question. Maybe I have a small, stupid head. Maybe we were both so good at hiding it and convincing ourselves that the other could never feel the same that we spent years looking at each other from a distance.
This is all deeply stupid.
Suddenly I feel the warmth of his body behind mine, his soft exhale on the back of my neck as he kneels next to the cot.
-What do you think you’re doing?
His closeness. His voice. It’s too much. A shiver runs down my spine and I press my lips together to suppress any desperate noise that might come out of them.
-I’m going to bed. You also should. “It’s been a long day,” I whisper hoarsely.
“Do you really think I’m going to let you sleep on this cot joke?” Or that I’ll just leave after that?
-I dont need…
“Come to bed,” he urges me, without backing down.
“I’m in bed,” I grumble stubbornly.
“The big bed, Sloane.
“Seriously, fuck you, Gervais. Go curl up with your secrets, you exhausting, melancholic idiot. I’m not leaving this mattress. I’m putting my foot down.
I look over my shoulder at him and he smiles a little.
-There you are.
“Yes,” I huff, turning around and hearing the mattress creak. Here I am.
Hands reach between the thin mattress and the metal coils beneath. I stiffen when Jasper brings his mouth to my ear.
“I told you you wouldn’t sleep here.” And I fucking meant it.
When he picks me up, I scream. The mattress is so shitty that it curls around me, turning me into a little Sloane taco.