And I allowed it. I put a hand to my throat in a sad attempt to dull the pain. This is not my night to cry.
The coach suspended me for two weeks.
-That? “I exclaim, turning in my seat to look at him.” Because? All goalkeepers go through bad streaks.
-Because I never reveal what happens to me. He knows how I am. He knows my head is somewhere else, and as much as I hate to admit it, he’s right. I want to be out there, but also…” He stops, hands spinning on the wheel in frustration.
Didn’t he tell you about Beau? Oh my God. This man is a vault, locked up so damn tight. He has always been a man of few words, even with me. But right now, it’s not that I can’t find the words. I know it can. It’s more like it hurts him to rip them off himself. As if staying quiet and introspective was his best defense mechanism.
I know he’s more open with me than most people. Softer, less grumpy.
So I say to him cautiously: Do you also want to curl up in bed and cry?
Because if I feel this way now, he must feel this way too.
He responds with a shake of his head and his gaze fixed on the dark road, which is more or less what I expected from him.
A loud vibrating sound resonates against something in my bag, filling the already tense vehicle with another layer of anxiety.
With a deep sense of dread, I pull out my phone and stare at it.
She is my mother. And it’s the first time he’s called. His response to my mass message was, Take care. I love you.
I have dozens of missed calls from my dad and Sterling, and countless ‘friends’. I’ve been referring to them in my head as voyeurs, because if they haven’t talked to me in years, I don’t know why I would chat with them about my wedding day imploding.
Over the past week, I’ve been listening to Sterling and my dad’s voicemails, but I haven’t deleted them. So, my inbox fills up and they can’t leave any more. Their messages are angry, frantic and entitled. Basically the last thing I feel like dealing with.
But my mother? She is another story. She… I swear she looked at me before the wedding like she had something to say to me. He parted his lips and extended his hand towards me. It was so close. Before I could say it, my father came in, told me I was the perfect bride, and took her away.
The expression he gave me over his shoulder as I carried her outside was pleading.
The phone continues to vibrate in my hand and I stare at it like a ticking time bomb when Jasper clears his throat and looks at me.
Swallowing hard, I swipe my finger to answer.
-Hi Mom.
Sloane. “She breathes my name like it’s the relief she’s been looking for.
-Hello. I’m…
“I just need to hear your voice.” Know that you are in a safe place. There is a slight tremor in his voice and suddenly my throat hurts with a ferocity that steals my breath. My sweet and understanding mother. The one who learned to put my hair up in a perfect bun. The one who took me to all the ballet rehearsals and recitals, no matter how early I had to get up.
I would kill for a hug from my mother right now. It would absolutely kill.
I look at Jasper and answer, “I’m safe.” “Because, how could I not be?” The man literally took me out of my wedding, walked me down the street and didn’t even blink an eye.
As if he knows I need him, he reaches across the center console and takes my hand.
Fingers linking with mine.
I hear a broken sigh on the other end of the line.
-Good. Good. Are you leaving… are you leaving for a while? -His voice sounds almost hopeful.
My head twists at his strange question. I was hoping mom would ask me when I was coming back.
-Why do you ask me that?
I look back at Jasper and catch him staring at me. He’s listening to me and I don’t care. There’s only one secret I’m desperate to keep from Jasper: that I’ve been pathetically in love with him for most of my life.
-Because that’s what I would do if I were in your place. He lets out a laugh and my eyes pop out at his confession.
I know she married into a rich family like yours, while her sister married Harvey and lived a quieter life on the ranch. I have often wondered if he is happy in his marriage, but I have never dared to ask him.
“Mom, I…
My phone dies in my hand.
-What happened? “Jasper’s voice is all gravel.
-He died. I shake my head, repeating his advice.
-And what did he say?
“He said that if it were me, he would leave for a while.
-What about ballet? You must have to come back soon.
I scoffed.
I asked for a leave of absence to plan the wedding. So I’m out until Christmas because I chose not to go to the Nutcracker.
“Why have you taken a leave?” The wedding was only one day.
I slump further into my seat and let the back of my head spin as I confess something that sounds so stupid it makes my stomach turn just saying it out loud.
“Sterling said he had to be”-he raised his hands in sarcastic quotes-“present to plan the wedding and enjoy the honeymoon.
I run my thumb over the small pink scar where I was cut by the huge diamond on my finger. I should take off the ring. I even want to take it off . It’s not Sterling who’s stopping me. It’s just that I have a deep feeling that once I take it off, everything will change in my life. I will be a new me, and nothing will seem the same. My family. My education. Everything I have come to know.
And that scares me.
A muscle in Jasper’s jaw pops, and the skin on his knuckles thins under the pressure of gripping the steering wheel.
“Damn Woodcock.
I huff a laugh. Woodcock.
“And what are you going to do?” The tip of his tongue gets stuck between his straight white teeth, as if he were biting it to not say anything else.
-What do you think i should do?
His mouth twists.
Sunny, the last thing you need in your life is for another man to tell you what to do.
I sigh and turn to look at the dark fields passing by the passenger window. I would kill for Jasper Gervais to tell me what to do. The fact that I don’t think I have to do it makes me want it even more.
I need someone to take charge but thinking about my interests. Not a business. Not the perception. Me. My needs.
“What would Beau do?” I murmur quietly.
I don’t want to say it loud enough for Jasper to hear me, which is why I’m startled when Jasper responds, “He’d leave and go do something for himself.”