JP
Ecstasy and torment. I’m no stranger to the dichotomy. The highs that made me feel alive always came with gut-wrenching lows. Every taboo pleasure, every sinful indulgence was laid out before me like a feast, and I gorged myself. Yet, the more I indulged, the hollower I felt.
Now, I find those very feelings watching Lucy’s gentle breathing, her chest rising and falling. The contours of her cheekbone under my finger, the sighs that ghost past her full lips-it’s a fucking tableau.
Her eyes flutter with dreams I wish I could peek into. I could spend a lifetime watching her sleep, and wouldn’t trade a second of it.
My love for her crept up on me. Unplanned. The unwanted proximity with her team led me to appreciate this quirky girl with her self-deprecating wit and down-to-earth modesty. It was merely physical at first, no emotional attachment. I never sought any sort of sentimental connection.
Yet, as the saying goes, familiarity breeds fondness, and soon I found myself hopelessly hooked.
Now, I’m tangled in a complex web of half-truths and hidden facts. Not outright lies, but a calculated evasion of the whole truth. A nagging guilt persistently gnaws at me, posing the inevitable question: Would she be sharing my bed if the accident hadn’t robbed her of her memory?
I got what I wished for-Lucy, back in my life, back in my bed. Trusting me. The doctors suggested reintroducing myself slowly, letting her hidden memories emerge on their own.
But damn, it feels like I’m handling a live grenade with the pin already pulled. Every decision is like skirting around a potential explosion. I hinted at my past, but conveniently left out the part where she was caught up in my personal mess.
Should I come clean now and brace for the fallout? With each moment we share, I can feel the impending disaster drawing near-the unavoidable day of reckoning. I’m terrified that when her memory comes back, she won’t forgive me. Terrified of the possibility that she’ll be gone forever.
A tiny whimper breaks my train of thought. Her eyes fly open, lingering dreams clouding them. She looks up at me, breath catching.
“Morning,” I say, keeping my tone light, hoping to set her at ease.
“Morning.” Her smile falters.
“Everything okay? You’re not having second thoughts about staying over, are you?”
“No, no. Just… More strange dreams. Since the accident. They’re coming every night now.”
My stomach knots. “About what?”
She hesitates. “It’s silly.”
“Lucy.” I tilt her chin up until our eyes lock, my tone gently insistent. “I want to know.”
“It’s too bizarre to even describe. There was this dog on my street called Buddy when I was a kid. I used to play with him, but one day he went crazy and got taken away. I don’t know why. Now I’m dreaming about him turning into this evil dog and attacking me. I think it’s my subconscious trying to deal with something. Or just fuck with me. I can’t decide.”
A self-conscious laugh escapes her. I try to keep my expression neutral. Christ, has her subconscious turned me into a rabid dog?
“Lucy.” I rise, propping myself on my elbows to level our gazes. “I need you to know something. If you’re ever scared, upset, or need someone, I’m here for you. You can come to me in tears or in a panic, doesn’t matter the hour. Any time of day or night, I’m here.”
She gives me a tentative smile. “Even if it’s a dream about a dog?”
“Even if it’s a dream about a possessed teddy bear. I don’t care what it is.”
My heart pounds as I look down at her lying next to me, her hair splayed across the pillow. This is my chance. She’s in my bed, vulnerable and trusting.
I need to tell her the truth. To own up to my past. I’m striving to become a better man, someone worthy of her.
But the memory of her anger, the sharp words she hurled at me on the stairs of the Plaza Hotel, holds me back.
I lean in, pressing a kiss against her lips, but the usual assurance is gone. I’m unsteady, unsettled. I need more time.
“I’ve just realized something,” she says, her fingers tracing abstract patterns on my chest. “I never asked you what JP stands for. John Paul, right?”
“That’s right.”
She smirks up at me. “Like the Pope?”
“Not exactly.” I chuckle, moving hair from her face. “My grandfather was named Juan. It’s a nod to him.”
“Ooh, Spanish?” Her eyes glint with interest.
“Yes, indeed.”
“Can you speak Spanish?”
“I can,” I affirm, my thumb gently tracing her bottom lip, prompting her to part her lips ever so slightly.
“Say something for me then,” she breathes.
I draw closer, my chest against hers, and murmur in her ear, “Quiero pasar el resto de mi vida contigo.”
“Wow. That was hot. What does it mean?”
“It means I want to spend the day with you,” I murmur. In actuality, it means I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
She grins.
“So,” I ask. “What do you say?”
She squirms under me. “I can’t. I have a therapy session this afternoon.”
I nod. “Okay. That’s important. But let me at least make you breakfast first.”
“Oh, my God. Dinner and breakfast? This is a great deal. What will you do for the rest of the day?”
Try not to lose my sanity worrying about what you might unearth in your session. “I’ll go for a jog. Maybe a swim. Try to clear my head. But I’d like to pick you up from your therapy session. Bring you back to your place, or here, ideally.”
“You don’t have to… but it’d be nice to see you. You’ve been warned though, my therapist said this one could get pretty intense. You might walk in on me clucking like a chicken.”
I force a smile despite the growing unease. Will this be the session that unravels everything? “I’ll take my chances. Maybe I’ll learn your ‘safe’ word in case you start trying to peck at me.”
I cup her face, holding her gaze. “Are you worried about your session today?”
“No, why would I be worried about digging into the dark recesses of my psyche?” Her laugh is strained. “What could possibly go wrong?”
A million things, and not a damn one I can control. “Come on, Lucy. Open up to me.”
“Yes.” She sighs. “I’m terrified.”
“That’s why I’ll be waiting outside the clinic.”
And when she smiles at me like I’m the most important man in the world, I know it’s going to be okay.
I just need a little more time.