***
Immediately he came fully awake, Chris heard pitiful groans coming from Shane. His body jerked as he thrashed about in the bed. Shane sounded like he was struggling against something…trying to get away. Chris immediately knew he was having a nightmare so he started shaking Shane gently, not wanting to worsen Shane’s situation by rather startling him. But Shane didn’t wake up. His groans rather became cries that were so gut-wrenching it sent a chill through Chris. He was about to shout Shane’s name but froze when he heard Shane’s words…
“Please, Chris.” Shane cried. “Please don’t hurt me. Won’t happen again. Please that hurts. Please…please… Oh, God . . . Chris don’t…” And Shane was virtually screaming now. Chris wanted to die.
An agonizingly intense feeling of self-loathing swept over Chris at the torment Shane was going through. He couldn’t take it anymore. He had to get Shane to wake up, had to get him to stop, had to…fuck! Chris shot up onto his knees and started shaking Shane vigorously, no longer worried about startling him. Chris just wanted the gut-wrenching sounds to stop.
“Shane, wake up.” Chris sounded panicked and desperate.
Shane suddenly sat up in bed, sucking in air with deep gulps, his face drenched with sweat. Chris moved till his back was to the headboard, and then drew Shane to sit in between his legs so that Shane’s back was plastered to his chest. Then he wrapped his arms tightly around Shane and rocked him.
“Shh, baby,” Chris whispered, the endearment falling naturally from his lips. “I’ve got you. I’m not going to hurt you. Promise.” He kept murmuring as he rocked Shane gently. “I’m so sorry.”
After a while, Shane cleared his throat and whispered, “I’m sorry you had to see that. I didn’t mean to fall asleep like that.” The humiliation in Shane’s voice couldn’t be more obvious. “I hate like hell you saw that.” Shane groaned.
Chris went still against Shane. “Do you get these nightmares often?” At Shane’s nod, Chris’ heart almost stopped. “How often?” Chris sounded as though he was being strangled.
Shane remained quiet for so long Chris thought he hadn’t heard him. Then he gave an answer that shook Chris to the very core.
“Every night.”
“Oh fuck.” Chris whispered as he instinctively tightened his hold on Shane. “And it started…”
Shane nodded slowly. “That very night.” He said quietly, confirming Chris’ fears. “Whilst we waited at the bus station that night, I fell asleep. The next thing I knew my mother was shaking me awake. It has never stopped since.”
“Oh my God, Shane I’m so sorry.” Chris almost sobbed. It finally dawned on him just how much he’d fucked up Shane’s life. He didn’t deserve Shane’s forgiveness.
“I’m okay,” Shane said quietly, noticing how shaken Chris was. “My system is kinda used to it. I always sleep afterward just fine.” Shane had no idea why he wanted to reassure the man holding him. Though it was none other than Chris’ fault he woke up screaming every night, the last thing Shane wanted was for Chris to be worried or feel guilty.
“You’re not okay. What I did was…”
“You were just a kid.” Shane cut him off. “Much as I’ve been angry at you for almost half my life on this earth, I know you were a kid. You panicked. That was a harsh way to express your panic and confusion but hey, people react in different ways. So don’t worry about it. I am fine.”
It was all too much for Chris. The tension that had built up within him since seeing Shane again, the realization that he’d ruined a beautiful life, and the fact that Shane could even be kind to him despite all that he’d done to him combined and rioted within him till he simply couldn’t contain his emotions. When the first sob tore out of Chris, Shane turned around and knelt between Chris’ thighs and cradled his head against his chest. Chris’ arms went around Shane as his body shook with great heaving sobs.
“I’m s…so sor…sorry, Ni…Nick. So sor…sorry.” Chris stuttered through his tears.
“It’s okay, Chris,” Shane murmured into Chris’ hair. “It is okay.” And when he heard those soothing words from Shane, Chris cried even harder. He didn’t deserve that treatment from Shane. Hell, he didn’t deserve to be in the presence of the man holding him with such tenderness that very moment. Chris had no doubt that he was in the presence of a better man. He cried till the front of Shane’s t-shirt was drenched.
When he eventually quieted down, his head remained against Shane’s chest. “We seem to be doing a lot of that lately.” Chris hiccupped shakily.
Shane laughed softly. “Crying is good for the soul.” He said quietly. “Mama always told me that if only I could cry just once, I would feel better. But I couldn’t cry…till that day in the garage.”
“After all these years?” Chris sounded incredulous.
“Uh-huh.”
Chris went quiet. No wonder Shane had broken down like that. It had been a release of years of pent-up tears. “And did it do any good?” Chris pulled back his head to search Shane’s eyes and was surprised at the smile on Shane’s handsome face.
“I’ve never slept as soundly as I did that night. I didn’t wake up till around noon the following day.” Shane chuckled as he sat back on his heels. “No nightmares, no nothing. I was just dead to the world.”
“Mothers know best huh?” Chris said quietly, remembering how loving Sylvia Lewis had been to him. Would she ever be able to forgive him for what he did?
Shane looked at Chris and just knew what he was thinking. “Hey, don’t worry about it. She loved you like a son.”
“Till I acted like a monster.” Chris retorted miserably.
“Don’t underestimate a mother’s love,” Shane said softly.
But Chris refrained from pointing out to Shane that, the fierceness of a mother’s love was rather why he dreaded ever coming face to face with Sylvia Lewis. In a way, he felt he’d wronged her even more than he’d wronged Shane. No mother deserved to see their child in that state Shane was in. No mother could ever forgive such brutality against her child. Chris didn’t think it was necessary to go into an argument with Shane on that topic so he kept quiet.
“I don’t know about you but I’m famished.” Shane groaned. “We didn’t have supper.” He said as he jumped off the bed. “Come on, let’s go raid Abigail’s kitchen.”
And as the two friends walked into the huge classically modern kitchen, both felt a sense of peace. It was as though a burden had been lifted off their shoulder. They felt free, happy, and hopeful, but most of all, they felt…cherished.