JEZ
“You ready?” Sebastian asks me, as we step into the green room.
“No.”
“Too damn bad, man. Fifteen minutes ’til curtain’s up.” He shrugs to say there’s nothing you can do about it now.
I glare at him. “I feel like, I want to say a big ol’ … ‘fuck you’ to you right now.”
“Bring it on, dude.”
I breathe out, my shoulders relaxing. “Nah, I might save for later, when I really need to.”
“Well, you know where I’ll be.”
“At the bar?”
“Nah, man. I’ll be right there next to you. Every single moment. I’ve got you.” He hugs me tight before I have a chance to move.
“Fuck you.” I say, trying to wriggle out of his embrace.
“Ha!” He laughs, following it up with, “14 minutes, 30 seconds.”
“Fuck you, again.” I hiss.
“You wish. I know you’ve been envious of Cadence getting all this,” he runs his hands up and down his body, pouting his lips at me. He looks absolutely ridiculous. And I can’t help but laugh.
“Now, now. Get a room you two,” Brad pokes his head in between us to say.
“Fuck you, too.”
“Hey! What’s going on? I feel left out!” Marius yells from the spot on the floor where he’s meditating.
“No need to feel left out. You get a double fuck you! One for sleeping with my sister.”
“So ‘fuck you’ is code for… ‘thank you’? ‘Cos… that’s what she said,” he grins.
I take a running leap and jump on him. Sebastian and Marius run over and instead of pulling me off him, pounce right on top. Soon we’re nothing but a pile of writhing arms and legs and curses.
“Whatever you fucktards are doing right now, stop it!” A loud voice comes booming out through the portable speaker we’re just noticing is on the table.
Brad pushes me off him and crawls over to the speaker, picking it up off the table.
“Aw hell, someone turned the fucking intercom on again.”
“Yeah, me, who else,” Dennis says through the speaker. “And whoever is ragging on Jez, stop. And Marius, put your fucking pants on.”
Marius looks down at his bare legs. “Dude. How does he know?”
“I know everything, remember? That’s why I feel no guilt in paying myself millions of dollars from the money I make for you dickweasels every year. NOW PUT YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON AND FOR GOD’S SAKES JUST CALM YOUR TITS AND TRY NOT TO KILL EACH OTHER BEFORE THE GODDAMNED FUCKING SHOW!”
There’s a buzz as Dennis shut the intercom off and we all grin at each other.
Fuck the millions of dollars and the fans. Right here, right now, this feeling, it’s why we’re here.
Each other.
Brad sighs, “I’d really like a blow job right now. I’m so nervous.”
“Well, don’t look at me, I just got told to put my pants back on.”
“You don’t need pants to give blow jobs!”
“Dude, I wouldn’t know. I’ve been on the strictly receiving blow jobs only diet for my life.” Marius grins at our viola player.
I sink down onto the end of the long couch, trying to breathe.
Sebastian cracks open a beer and hands it to me. I reach out and take a long drink, then hold it in my hands, picking at the label.
His right eyebrow cocks, but he doesn’t say anything. I guess he sees my hand shaking as it grips the bottle neck.
It’s kind of hard to miss.
“I’m okay,” I say, answering the question in his eyes. But the truth is, I’ve been asking myself the same question all day.
I check my watch. Five minutes to curtain’s up. For our first concert since the accident.
Since I collided with a car.
Well, it collided with me.
And then I collided with the ground.
Hard.
Eight months.
It’s been a long, painful, soul destroying, heart wrenching eight months. And truthfully, only a very small part of it was because of the accident and my injuries. The rest has been trying to put my life back together since her.
Noemie.
It’s been over three months since I saw her that day in front of her house.
And I’ve called her every day since.
Up until today.
Today, I tell myself, will be the last time. If she doesn’t answer today, I will stop.
I will let her move on. I will let myself let go.
Today.
I’ve been on this precipice before.
The dawning of a new age.
This time, it’s for a life without her.
A good life, a meaningful one, one filled with friends and music.
But not with her.
One more day, I give myself.
Because hope exists when everything else is gone.
Over the last few months, I’ve realized she was right. I didn’t fight for her. I let the grudges of my past cloud my view of life. She’s right. I hadn’t given her a chance. Yes, for all intents and purposes, it appeared she had caused the accident. There was almost no reason to doubt it.
Except the only reason that counted.
Trust.
She told me, time and again, that she couldn’t imagine it had been her fault.
But I didn’t listen.
When she had given me all the patience and belief she could summon in that giant heart of hers.
So, I don’t deserve her.
But I love her.
And I had hoped that that would be enough.
But I guess it wasn’t.
And now I’m the one who has to live the rest of my life with my mistake.
“Two minutes.” Brad says.
And I look up, watching Sebastian pacing around the green room. Part of his pre-show routine. He usually starts the show, so all the burden of that first note is on him. While the rest of us relax, knowing it’s not on our shoulders to kick the show off right.
But tonight, isn’t about hiding.
“Hey, Seb?”
“What?”
“You mind if I take the lead in the opening tonight?”
His face doesn’t move, he just asks, “You sure?”
“Now or never.”
He grins, and reaches over and slaps me on the shoulder.
“It’s all yours, Willy Whacker.”
“Thanks, Fuck Ferret.”
“That’s a new one! I like it.”
“Thought you would, I’ve been saving it just for you.”