I feel a little giddy, and realize, even with him here, sometimes I forget to breathe.
He stands by the side of the car and smiles.
“Come for a ride with me,” he says, like it’s nothing. Like the last time we saw each other, we both left each other intact and not in broken, jagged pieces.
I don’t know what to do.
Paige has jumped to her feet as well, standing right there, behind me, her breath short and loud against my ear.
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” she whispers.
“Noemie.” He says my name and I forgot what it sounded like, spoken in his voice, from his lips.
I have to say something.
“What are you doing here, Jez?” Do I really care? Haven’t I been just praying to have one more minute with him?
“Come on. Let’s go for a short drive. Just you and me.” He doesn’t move and I can’t see his eyes behind his dark sun glasses.
He just keeps holding out his hand.
I draw a long breath.
“Noemie.” Paige says my name, a warning tone in her voice.
“I’ll be okay.” I tell her. Or am I telling myself. I only then just realize I’m still in my pajamas.
That’d be right. I finally see the man who broke my world into a thousand irreparable pieces and I’m wearing flannel with pictures of cupcakes on it.
No time to worry about that now.
I walk down the few steps from the porch onto the sidewalk where the car is parked. He’s watching me the whole way.
I reach out for the handle of the car door and it’s locked.
What game is he playing here?
I look up and he’s walking over to me.
The breath catches in my throat. I thought I was very aware of how much I missed him.
Seeing him now, in the flesh, I realize how quickly I’d forgotten how tall he is, how broad his shoulders are, how square his jaw is, how much he takes my breath away.
Jez.
My Jez.
Well, no longer my Jez. Maybe never my Jez.
“Nice car,” I say when he’s face-to-face with me. Because it’s the only thing I can think of, other than begging him to never leave me again.
He grins, almost blinding me with his white teeth. What is going on?
I’ve dreamt of seeing him again, a hundred, a thousand times. But it was never like this.
It was passionate or dramatic, sweeping declaration or accusations. But not this. Not smiling, happy Jez. Seriously, what the fuck is going on?
“I thought so. Wanna drive it?”
He holds out a keyring to me.
“Come on, give it a little spin. I just bought it.”
There’s a loud clanging in my ears and my heart thumps and it feels like there’s a trampoline in my rib cage.
I can’t remember the last time I drove.
And then I remember, or not remember. The last time I drove was the night of the accident.
The night I almost killed Paige, Jez, and myself.
The loud clanging stops in my ears and it’s filled with a burning acid, dripping down my throat as I realize he’s just here to fuck with me.
“What sort of sick game are you playing, Jez?” I shake my head at him, and for the first time, I hate him.
Hate him for being so cruel.
The grin on his face instantly falls and he frowns.
“No… no. Noemie!” he yells as I spin around, ready to storm back to my house. And never see this asshole again.
I ignore him, but before I can take a step, his hand is on mine, pulling me back.
“Leave me alone, Jez!”
“No, Noemie. I’m not… I’m not playing some game. I’m serious. I came to take a drive with you. Or let you take me for a drive. Please.” He pushes the sunglasses up to rest on top of his head.
And his eyes tell me he’s saying the truth.
There’s no malice there. No cruelty.
Just Jez. Warm, honest, beautiful, passionate Jez.
And I believe him.
“Okay,” I sigh. I reach for the keyring, ignoring the spark that stings my hand when his fingers brush against my palm. “A short drive. Then you can tell me what you’re doing here.”
“Deal.”
I walk over to the driver’s side of the car, just as Paige runs down the steps.
“Noemie! Stop! You… your driver’s license is suspended, remember? And you shouldn’t drive, anyway. You’re not ready.”
“Ignore her, Noemie. We’ll just go a little way up the street. They’ll be able to see us the whole time,” Jez says, nodding to me over the top of the car, and gesturing his head to Paige and his three bandmates standing in front of the house, watching everything.
I turn off my brain and slide into the driver’s seat. I can feel the skin over every inch of my body become slick with perspiration as I run my fingers over the steering wheel, acquainting myself with the strange car.
“Hey.” His voice is soft, deep, low. Intimate. “It’s just the two of us in here. It’s just you and me. You can do this.”
“Jez, why in the world are you in a car with me? I don’t understand what’s going on!”
My frustration doesn’t faze him and he just says, calmly, “The deal was, you take me for a drive, and I’ll tell you why I’m here. So, drive.” He turns and stares straight ahead.
I exhale, hard, and it sounds like a gust of blustery wind in the small car.
My hand grips around the hand brake and I release it, my feet finding their way on the pedals. I press down on the gas, too soft at first, tentative, and then too hard and the car engine revs. Loud. Shaking the little sports car and the two inhabitants in it. I imagine the neighbors have their noses up hard against the windows. I wish I could tell them that there’s nothing to see, but I have no idea what’s about to happen.
My hand curls around the gear stick and then my mind goes completely blank.
What do I do?
My hand twitches on the gear stick, trying to rely on muscle memory, but there’s nothing there.
Shit.
No.
I can’t have forgotten how to drive.
I squeeze my eyes closed tight.
“Come on, come on,” I mutter to myself, turning over every nook and cranny in my brain trying to remember how to do this.
It should be second nature. Done without thought.
But nothing comes.
“Shit!” I bang on the steering wheel, and then the side of my head.
“Get out of there!” I yell, urging the memory to dislodge from its hiding spot.
Jez doesn’t say anything, just keeps staring straight ahead. He has a strange look on his face, like the sides of his mouth are twitching.
He’s laughing at me. He’s enjoying this.
So, I was wrong.
He is a cruel and twisted bastard.
He came all this way, just to watch me fall apart.
Fuck him.
I’ll show him!!
I push down on the gear stick and press down hard on the gas pedal. There’s nothing but the sound of the engine turning over again, shaking my bones.
I can’t even do this. He was right to leave. To leave me. I can’t even fucking drive.
I take my foot off the pedal and rest my head back against the head rest, exhausted.
“Are you happy now? Did you get what you came here for?”
He turns to me, still smiling.
“Yes, yes I did.” He reaches a hand towards me, and his fingertips touch my face before I can pull away.
I slap his hand away, hard, my fingers stinging as they make contact.
“You son of a bitch. You are sick! I can’t believe I agreed to this.”
I pull on the door handle and drag myself out of the car, making a run towards the house where Paige is standing.
Waiting for me.
I should’ve listened to her,
“Noemie!” Jez yells, jumping out of the car and running after me. “Wait!”