Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Rob was smiling at her. I had been trying hard not to talk about labels and love or anything like that around Rob. But maybe I was wrong about him being scared to settle down. Maybe he just hadn’t found the right person yet. He was excited to be an uncle. Maybe he’d be just as excited if he was finding out he was going to be a dad. The thought made me smile. It would be nice if my friends had kids soon so that our children would grow up together.
Rob slipped his arm behind Daphne’s back. “Way in the future? Who will my new nephew grow up playing with then?”
Daphne immediately blushed.
“You don’t know if it’s a boy, Rob,” I said.
“It’s definitely a boy.”
I shook my head and took another bite of the bagel. “This is so good.” I hadn’t realized how hungry I was.
Daphne laughed.
“Rob? Penny!”
I turned around to see Bee running toward us. Her eyes were red and I could see the fresh tears on her cheeks.
No. I knew what she was going to say. I had this horrible feeling in my gut. I had left James for a few minutes and now… and now…
“Something happened,” Bee said. She looked distraught. She could barely get the words out.
“What?” My voice came out as a croak.
“I don’t know. God, I don’t know. He stopped breathing. Something about his lung. You have to come.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the elevator.
James couldn’t die without me by his side. He’d think I had abandoned him. Why had I left him? It felt like everything was in slow motion as the elevator rose.
When the doors opened, I saw them wheeling James away. I started to run after him. But someone grabbed my waist, preventing me from pushing through the doors.
“Penny. Penny, you have to stop!” Mason said.
“No.” I was sobbing now. “She said he was going to be okay. No!” I struggled in Mason’s arms until I fell to my knees.
Mason knelt down beside me. “His lung collapsed. They’re going to fix it. Just like they did before.”
I shook my head. “She said he was going to be okay.”
“He’s going to be okay.”
“I left him. I thought… I thought…”
He put his arms around me. “You didn’t leave him. Penny, he knows you didn’t leave him.”
“They’re going to let him die. They’re not going to save him.”
“His heart didn’t stop. He was just having some trouble breathing.”
“What if it does? You can’t let him die. Don’t let them do this.” My tears streamed down my cheeks. “I thought he was going to be okay.”
“He is.” He pulled my face to his chest and didn’t flinch as I soaked his shirt with tears. “He is,” he said soothingly.
“I need him.”
He continued to rub my back. “Penny, the waiting room is full of people who are here for you and him. Come talk to everyone.”
“I can’t.” I had been doing my best to avoid the waiting room. Everyone’s sad stares. Everyone giving up on him. This morning I thought we could all be happy in the good news. But now… I squeezed my eyes shut. No.
“These are the times when you’re allowed to lean on others. Penny, you’re not alone. We’re all here for you.” Mason wasn’t philosophical. It sounded more like something James might say.
I slowly looked up at him. “You sound like James.”
Mason smiled. “That’s because James said that to me once.”
I wiped away the tears under my eyes. “Why?”
“He was sitting in a room like the one all your friends are in when my dad had a heart attack. We all thought we were going to lose him. I’m used to being strong. And I felt so weak.”
“I feel weak.”
He nodded. “So lean on us.” He gave me a small smile.
I looked down at my lap and realized that Mason was wearing sweatpants. I had never seen him in anything less fancy except when he went for runs with James. I looked back up at his face. For the first time ever I saw the worry lines around his eyes and the scruff on his face for forgetting to shave. He looked exhausted, like he hadn’t been sleeping either. I saw the pain that reflected in my own eyes.
I wasn’t the only one hurting. I wasn’t alone in my grief. Why was I acting like I was alone?
“I’m sorry, Mason.” I put my hand on his forearm. “Thank you.”
“Come with me.” He slowly stood up and put his hand out for me. He pulled me to my feet.
As soon as we walked into the waiting room, I was embraced in hugs. But nothing seemed to warm me. An icy feeling had covered my entire body. I squeezed my eyes shut. He’ll be okay. He’s fighting to come back to me. I tried to slowly breathe in and out as everyone said encouraging things to me. But it felt like I couldn’t breathe. He won’t leave you.
“Penny?” Daphne saying my name seemed to pull me out of my trance. She put her hand on my shoulder. “Take a deep breath, okay?”
I nodded. I tried to focus on my breathing.
“Do you want me to go get you something else to eat? Or maybe some water or something?”
I shook my head. She wasn’t saying it was going to be okay. She wasn’t throwing out meaningless words to try and make me feel better. And for the first time I realized why. She knew what loss was. James had said she had lost her brother. She knew this suffocating feeling. The first thing I wanted to say was, “I’m okay,” but I knew that was almost as bad as hearing it from someone else. Instead, I said, “I feel like I can’t… breathe.”
“Sit down,” Daphne said and gestured to a nearby seat. “Try to take another slow breath.”
I nodded my head.
“Here, this might help distract you. Something just came for you.” She handed me a manila envelope.
“Where did you get that?” Mason said. I hadn’t realized he was standing next to us.
“The UPS guy dropped it off a few minutes ago.”
“Where did he go?”
“He left through the doors he came in through.” Daphne gestured to the door that led to the exit of the hospital.
Mason sprinted toward the doors.
“What was that about?” Daphne asked.
But I barely heard her. I opened up the letter and pulled out the note. It read: