He looked at me curiously for a second. Maybe he didn’t believe I had the authority to make that decision. I probably didn’t.
He nodded. “Thank you, Penny. But we’ll see what he has to say when he wakes up.” His optimism sounded forced.
I couldn’t be the only one that believed he’d wake up. I needed someone that believed in him as much as I did. “Can you find Rob and tell him I need to see him?”
Porter nodded and stood up. “Of course. I’ll go get him for you.” He gave me one last smile and left me alone with James. Maybe it was just me, but his hand felt a little cooler. The beeping of his heart rate monitor sounded just a little slower.
“James, you need to be strong. Please wake up.” I kissed the back of his hand. “Please, James. I need you to be strong for us.” I ran my palm against my stomach. I was about to be strong. I was going to tell Rob about the baby. Maybe if I was strong enough to do that, James would be strong enough to wake up.
“Hey,” Rob said as he came into the room. He looked exhausted. “Penny, I have some bad news.”
Nothing could possibly be worse than what had already happened. “What is it?”
Rob pulled up a chair beside mine. “You got a call from James’ lawyer this morning.”
I had given Rob my phone. I couldn’t handle the endless ringing. And I couldn’t bear to talk to anyone. “What did he say?”
“Apparently James has a DNR.”
“What’s that?”
“Do not resuscitate. If his heart stops, he doesn’t want them to restart it.”
“No, he wouldn’t have that. Maybe before he met me, but not now.”
“I’m sorry, but he does have one. It was written before he met you, but he didn’t change it. And he has updated his will since he’s been with you.”
I shook my head. “He was depressed. He had to have been depressed when he agreed to that. He wouldn’t do that now. He must have just forgotten when he updated his will. Besides, they already restarted his heart when he got here. They already broke the DNR.”
“They didn’t know. It’s not in his medical record. But the lawyer is forwarding them a copy of his DNR now.”
I shook my head. “Rob, you can’t let them send that to the hospital. If something happens, they’ll just let him die. You have to do something.”
“There isn’t anything I can do. It’s what James wanted.”
“No. He wouldn’t want that. He wouldn’t leave me without fighting. He promised me he wouldn’t leave me.”
“Penny,” Rob said and put his hand on my knee.
I immediately stood up. “Don’t I have some say in this? I’m his wife.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You can’t let them send it.”
“I’ve tried everything.”
“I need him. I can’t. Rob, there have been so many times I thought I lost him. And I know I can’t. I can’t live without him. We can’t live without him.”
“If this is what he wanted, we can be strong for him.”
“Stop giving up on him!”
“I’m not giving up on him!” He stood up too. “You think I want this? You think I want to watch my brother die without anyone doing anything? Penny, this is killing me too. Like you just said… we can’t live without him.”
“No. You don’t understand.” It felt like I couldn’t breathe. I swallowed hard. No one understood.
“What don’t I understand?” He put his hands on my shoulders. “What aren’t you telling me? What have you been hiding from me ever since we got to this fucking hospital? Why won’t you let me in? Why won’t you let me help you?!”
“I’m pregnant.” My voice was an exasperated sob.
“Shit.” He immediately put his arms around me.
I wasn’t sure if he had meant to say it out loud, but his words seemed to echo around the small room. Shit.
“I’m going to be an uncle?”
I nodded into his chest.
“I’m going to be an uncle,” he whispered wistfully. He sighed and rubbed my back before releasing me from his hug. “Okay. Fuck James’ wishes. I’m going to go burn down his lawyer’s building.”
“What?”
“Unless you have a better idea.”
“Find out when he submitted the DNR to his lawyer. And hire your own lawyer to figure out if I can veto it as his new wife.”
“I’ll do that first. You’re right, arson should never be the first option.”
I smiled and sat back down. It seemed like years had passed since I had heard Rob make a joke.
“I’m going to be an uncle.” His smile was contagious. “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?”
“No, I haven’t had an ultrasound. I’m going to do it when James wakes up.”
“Okay.” He nodded vigorously. “Good thinking. I’m gonna go make a few calls. I’m gonna fix this.”
“I haven’t told anyone else yet. Can you maybe just keep it between us right now?”
“Of course.” He was already at the door. But he quickly rushed back over and kissed my forehead. “No matter what happens, you’re not alone, Penny. You’ll never have to raise it alone.”
I nodded. His words were comforting, but they made me cringe at the same time. I couldn’t raise this baby without James. I couldn’t. “Thank you.” I nodded again.
I watched him run out the door and then I grabbed James’ hand again. Telling Rob made it seem more real. I was pregnant. James and I were going to have a baby. “It’s time to wake up now. James, you need to wake up. We need you.”
Tuesday
Mason and James’ father had done what they promised. They had gotten Melissa out of jail on bail. But she wasn’t allowed anywhere near the hospital. I didn’t ask Mason how much bail was, but I knew it had to be a lot. She was still their prime suspect. At least she was out, though. Shaken up, but out.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t allowed to be relieved. They couldn’t find any evidence that Isabella was behind the shooting. And each day that passed, I had this eerie feeling that someone was watching me.
But the worst part was that nothing seemed to be able to wake James up. Nothing.
Rob couldn’t bury the DNR. The hospital had gotten it this morning. I had told James’ doctor that I wanted her to disregard it. She had explained to me that she always has to do what’s in her patient’s best interest. But I didn’t understand. How could it be in his best interest to leave this world? When he was finally happy? When we were finally allowed to be happy? And what the doctor didn’t realize was that if James died, I’d die too.
It hurt so much, I couldn’t even think straight. And the longer James lay there, the worse I felt. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t keep going without him. I just couldn’t.
I let the tears run down my cheeks.
I felt so ashamed. I should have been stronger for the baby. But I couldn’t be. Not without James. He was the only reason I was still breathing. And when he stopped, I knew my heart would too. I was nothing without him. I was weak. Because there was no me without him. There couldn’t be.