“There’s nothing to forgive. All of it was my fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault. You shouldn’t put so much weight on your shoulders. You can’t take responsibility for your ex-wife’s decisions.”
“I didn’t know she was sending you stuff. I wish you had told me. I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re alone. I’m sorry you had to go through all that on your own.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I know I should have. I think I thought that it would just go away if I ignored it.”
He ran his fingers through my hair.
“Rob told me about what really happened between you and Rachel. I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me the truth about how you two ended.”
“I didn’t meant to lie, it’s just easier for me if I remember it the way I told you. Her cutting me off… it nearly killed me. And when I found out it was because my parents paid her to stop seeing me? It made all those old feelings come up, which is probably why I jumped to conclusions about what you had done. It’s something I’m sensitive about. I was raised to be suspicious of people’s motivations to be close to me.”
“I wish you had talked to me about it.”
“I’m sorry. I should have. I just didn’t want you to think that there was anything to worry about. I didn’t want you to be jealous of something that didn’t matter.”
I looked up at him and pursed my lips. “Jealous? I’m never jealous.”
“Mhm.” He raised his left eyebrow.
I laughed. “So… there’s nothing to be jealous of? You don’t have feelings for her anymore?”
“No. No, I don’t have feelings for Rachel. That was a long time ago. I think I liked her more for what she represented than who she really was. I built her up as a symbol for what my life could be without following my parents’ wishes and dreams. I was young and naive and… stupidly opportunistic.”
“But you loved her once.”
“Maybe. It wasn’t anything like this though.” He kissed the top of my head.
“I’m sorry that your parents did what they did. I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“I’m not.” He let go of my hand and touched the side of my face. “If that didn’t happen, I might not be here with you right now. I wouldn’t change a thing.”
I turned my head and kissed his palm. “There is one more thing I want to talk about.”
“Isabella?”
I nodded.
“All I want to do right now is kill her,” he said.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.”
“Can we maybe not commit murder the night before our wedding? I was hoping to just focus on us.”
He smiled. “Does that mean you still want to marry me?”
“James, I never didn’t want to marry you. You kicked me out. Because you believe the word of your ex-wife over me. I’d like to know why.”
“It’s not that I believed her over you. My whole life I grew up hearing my parents say I wasn’t good enough. I married Isabella and heard it even more. It was ingrained in my head that no one would ever really love me, they’d just love my money. And combined with the guilt I feel about how our relationship started… it wore me down. All those nagging thoughts were swirling around in my head. You couldn’t give me a name and it just seemed…” his voice trailed off. “It seemed like everything I was ever told was true. And I was drunk. And I was hurting. That’s not an excuse. It’s just what happened. I didn’t believe her over you. I just believed what I thought was true, what I’ve always thought was true.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
“So… you forgive me?” he asked.
I bit my lip. “There’s one more thing. All those notes you wrote her. James, it really seemed like you were in love with her. I don’t know why you didn’t just tell me that. There’s a reason why you wanted to have kids with her and not me. There’s a reason why you trust her more than you trust me. There’s a reason.”
“No. Baby.”
I looked down at his chest.
“Penny, look at me.” He put his fingers under my chin and tilted my face toward his. “I hated my life. I forced myself to write those notes, trying to convince myself that I was happy. But I was drowning. Everything I wrote was a part of the facade. It’s what I thought I was expected to say. I was going through the motions. And when I didn’t feel like I was suffocating, I was completely numb. My life was meaningless. I was so depressed. You want to know why I really don’t want to have kids? It’s not just because I worry about my own problems. Yes, I worry that I’ll slip and not be there for them. But mainly I just don’t want to fuck them up like my parents did to me. I worry about not being good enough. The same worries I have about you. But if you want kids, let’s have kids. We can make babies right now. I want to give you whatever you want.”
I smiled up at him as I rested my chin on his chest. “I do understand. We don’t have to have kids, I just want to be with you. It just hurt so much to see that you wanted children with her.”
“I would have killed myself if I had a bunch of demon spawn running around.”
I think he thought it would be funny, but I didn’t find it humorous at all. There was something in the back of my head that had worried me for awhile. I had read books and articles about addiction. It was insinuated that addiction was linked with mental illness. And he had just said that he had been depressed. “Have you ever thought about that?” I swallowed hard. “Killing yourself?”
“Penny, I would never leave you.”
“I know. I just mean… before we knew each other. Did you ever think about it?” I realized I was holding my breath as I waited for his answer.
“Once, maybe. I remember sitting in my office at Blive Tech. I had a press conference that I was running late for and my office phone was ringing and my cell phone was ringing and I had a million unanswered emails that I was staring at on my computer. I looked out the window at Central Park and realized that I wanted to be anywhere in the world but where I was. And maybe for a second, I thought about just how high up my window was.”