“I went to see him to tell him I wanted to be with you.”
“After you read my letter?”
“No, before. I want to be with you. That’s all that I want. But you’re complicated. The situation is complicated. And I don’t mean just because you’re my professor. It’s because you’re still married. How can you sit there and talk about a future with me in this situation?”
“Because I know it’s over. I’ll talk to her again.”
“No.” I pulled my feet off his lap and hugged my knees to my chest.
“I’m not going to sleep with her again. Penny.” He leaned forward and kissed my kneecap. “I’m getting divorced. I’ve already signed the papers.”
“I know.”
“So why are you still upset about it?”
“It makes me feel like a bad person. What if she never signs the papers?”
“I’ll get her to sign them.” He kissed my knee again. “I’m sorry about what happened. Please forgive me.”
“I love you. I love you so much. There’s a million reasons why I should give you up. But I can’t. I don’t want to. And we were broken up. So there isn’t anything to forgive.”
“Penny, Penny, Penny.” He leaned over me and placed a kiss against my lips. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I started to cry. I pushed myself up into a seated position. “Stupid concussion.” I tried to laugh as I wiped my tears away.
“Hey.” He pulled the cushion away from the back of the couch and slid next to me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “What’s wrong?”
“If this really is love, then it won’t matter if we wait.” It’s what I had decided before I fainted. Nothing had changed. I needed to be strong.
“Wait for what?”
“For your divorce to be final. For me to graduate. For things to be less complicated.”
“Is this about Tyler? Or Brendan?”
“No. It has nothing to do with them.”
His look was cold.
“I thought you didn’t want me. I was a mess. I was trying to get over you. But I don’t want either of them. I felt so empty when you stopped talking to me. I just didn’t want to feel empty anymore.” My words hung in the air for a long time.
“I felt empty too.” We were silent again as we looked into each other’s eyes.
“I choose you. I just want to wait till it’s right.”
He looked down at my legs and traced a circle around the inside of my knee. He was silent for a few minutes. “Penny, I’ve spent my whole life doing things I didn’t want to. I don’t want to wait anymore. You make me happy. To me, that’s all that matters.”
“Am I not worth waiting for?”
“That’s not what I meant. Of course you’re worth waiting for.” He grabbed my hand and rubbed his thumb against my palm. “But I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life already. You’re young. I get that.” He sighed. “But two years is a long time. I don’t want to wait anymore.”
“Then we can just wait until your divorce is final. What’s the point of being together if we can’t fully commit to one another?”
“I am committed to you. I’ve told you I love you. I don’t take that lightly.”
“But our relationship is a secret and you still have a wife. How happy do you think we can be for the next two years like this?”
“What if I disclose our relationship to the dean?”
I looked up at him. “What?”
“Is that what you want? Will that prove to you how I feel? We won’t have to hide our relationship anymore.”
“We’ll get in trouble.”
“Not necessarily. Only if someone complains.”
“What about Comm?”
“I’m not sure what will happen with that.”
“I don’t want to have to take it again.”
“So how about I quit?”
“Teaching?”
“If it’s the only way.”
“I thought you loved teaching. It’s your fresh start.”
“You’re my fresh start. And I don’t love teaching nearly as much as I love you.”
I straddled him on the couch. His hands slipped to my waist as I leaned forward and hugged him. “I don’t want any of that. I’m sorry. I just want your divorce to be official. I don’t want you to have to change who you are. I love who you are.” I put my forehead against his. “I don’t want to wait. I just don’t want to have to feel guilty about not waiting.”
“There’s nothing to feel guilty about. But I’ll have my lawyer figure something out, okay? I’ll take care of it.”
“Soon?”
“Soon.”
Sunday
“Favorite soda?” he asked.
“Cherry Coke.”
“I had my fridge stocked with a bunch of things when I thought you’d be staying here more often.” He pulled out a Cherry Coke and handed it to me.
I took it and grabbed the fridge handle before he closed it. “Let me see.” The fridge was completely full. I reached in and grabbed a packet of juice boxes. “Juice boxes? Seriously? How young do you think I am?”
“Those are actually mine.” He grabbed the pack, put it back in the fridge, and closed the door.
“Why don’t you just buy a bottle of apple juice if you like it so much?”
He looked embarrassed. “I was never allowed to have them when I was a kid.” He shrugged.
That was probably the most personal thing he had ever confessed to me. I imagined him as a little boy demanding juice boxes and being denied. I thought it would make me laugh, but it made me feel sad. His parents sounded worse and worse every time I learned something new about them. “Okay.” I handed the soda back to him. “I actually want one of those.”
“You do?”
“Yes, please.”
He smiled and opened the fridge back up. I took two juice boxes, he grabbed two plates, and we sat down at the kitchen counter.
I picked up a slice of pizza and took a huge bite. I was so hungry. It was only a matter of seconds before the first slice was gone.
Professor Hunter was staring at me. “I’m glad to see that you’ve gotten your appetite back.”
“That’s what your love does for me.”
He smiled and took a bite. “This is pretty delicious.”
“I told you.” I took a sip out of the juice box. “Why is everything so much better with a straw?”