“Okay, well, I’ve never, ever been in love before.”
“Wow, like ever?”
“Well.”
“You have?”
“No.”
“You haven’t.”
“No.”
“Which is it?” She laughs, confused at my own confusion.
“You heard me!”
“Yes, but I don’t understand you. You’re saying you’ve never ever been in love.”
“Yep. I guess.”
“Wow.”
“Have you?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely.”
I can’t help the smile that spreads from one end of my mouth to the other.
“But… love sucks. Well, when you fall out of love that is.”
I nod, because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Not giggle and tell someone that they’ve told you all this before. No, you nod and you smile, because it’s easy to lie when your memory is intact. It’s hard to be truthful. And it appears, at least on this topic, she has been.
“Why are you laughing?” she demands.
“I’m not! I’m smiling, because, I guess you’re right. Love sucks.”
“You wouldn’t know. You just told me you’ve never loved. Have you forgotten?’
“You sure you should be asking me if I’ve forgotten something?” I nudge her foot with mine, playfully.
She gasps, but there’s laughter in her eyes.
“Too soon, Cyrano, too soon!”
“Cyrano?!”
“Those notes! I know Robbie wrote them.”
“Yeah but he was supposed to say they were from me.”
“Oh, was he? Well, he didn’t. I thought our night nurse was sending me love notes”
“That rat! I’m going to buzz his button twelve times tomorrow during his precious baseball game!”
She giggles and the room fills with music even more heavenly than her singing.
“Just kidding. Of course, he said they were from you. That’s why this one, “she pulls a piece of paper from her pocket. I can just make out the words “Autumn Leaves” scribbled on it, “is all scrunched up. You’re lucky I read them at all.”
She’s right. I am. So I tell her so.
“I’m the luckiest man in the world right now.”
She stops giggling, and her hands fall into her lap, a smile still dancing on her lips.
“Why did you have Robbie write them?” she asks.
I don’t say anything, and hold out my hand and slowly try to make a fist. Sweat springs out of every pore as I bite back a yelp. Every muscle, every joint in my hand screams, begging for release. I stop when I can’t squeeze any tighter and there is a still a gap between my gnarled fingers and my palm.
I shrug and release and let my arm fall down to my side.
“That’s why.”
She reaches out and slides her hand into mine.
It’s an action completely unexpected. And familiar all at once. Tiny, microscopic tremors skate up my arms and through every atom of my body. One touch. That’s all it takes.
“Your fingers and my brain would be great friends,” she says, softly.
And my fingers twitch, aching to mold around the small fingers laying alongside them.
My eyes travel from her eyes to her lips. She’s biting the bottom one, gently. There’s the slightest flash of white from her tooth digging into the plump, beet colored cushion of her mouth. It’s the most alluring thing I’ve ever seen. I feel my body inch forward of its own volition. My head lowering to her, my eye fixated on her heart shaped lips.
I’m going to kiss you, Noemie. My mind tells her. And my heart performs a tango in my chest at the anticipation.
I’m going to kiss her.
Right now.
Finally.
“What in the world? What in hell do you two think you’re doing? It’s almost 1 a. m.!” Robbie’s loud and gruff voice cuts into the quiet and he flicks the light switch on, flooding everything in the harsh neon light.
We both spring apart so fast, there’s almost a sound of tearing.
“WHOA, man! Cool it with the lights!” I say as we both raise our hands to shield our eyes.
“To hell with that. Back to your rooms, you two! Damn, like a pair of teenage delinquents!”
Noemie jumps to her feet, her hand wrapped around the neck of her ukulele, avoiding my eyes.
“Nuh-uh! We were just talking,” she argues, straighten her clothes.
“That’s not what it looked like to me!”
“Yes, sir, we’re sorry,” I say, as we file out of the room and Robbie flicks the light off.
“Yeah, that’s the last time I deliver notes between you. Like I’m the goddamn funny friend at high school trying to get you two together.” He mutters under his breath as he watches me stop at my room, then leads Noemie down the hall to hers.
She turns just as she reaches her doorway, and sees me still standing there, waiting. She lifts her hand in a small wave, and then steps into her room. Robbie comes back into the hallway and shakes his finger at me, and gestures for me to go to bed. I wander into my room, happier than I have been, for longer than I can remember.
***
The nights are always the hardest.
But not tonight.
I press the button than bathes my room in complete darkness. I turn on my side and press the play button on the recording on my cell phone.
The sound isn’t perfect, but it’s enough.
I listen until the end. Then I replay the audio.
And I fall asleep, to the sound of a ukulele and a girl. Singing about love.
***
“And one more time.”
“You’re serious?” I ask my PT. The complete lack of humor on his face tells me he is.
I lift my arms straight up to the sky and then lower them slowly, inch by inch down against my body.
“Now the bend.”
“I hate the fucking bend.” I hiss.
“I care, oh so not at all.”
One at a time, I bend my arm at the elbow and lift my forearm until it’s perpendicular to my body. It’s stiff and takes some force and effort to keep it at the angle.
“And down,” he says. Music to my ears as I lower my arm back down. “How does it feel?”
“Like a barrel of laughs.”
“I’m not sure how many laughs that is,” he says, as he grabs the bands from his bag of terror.
“It’s none. No laughs. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Because the barrel has a leak in it.”
“That’s actually one of your better ones.”
“Thanks, I have plenty of time to think them up, cooped up in my room.”
“Glad you’re spending your time wisely.” He stands behind me and pulls my arm back, making my shoulder wish for amputation.
“Uhhh. OW! Seriously, when can I go?”
“That’s not up to me. I’m just here to make sure you regain as much control of your body as I can. ”
“Well, I feel pretty good.” And for once, I mean it.
“Good, then the doc should see that when he sees you next.