The singing ends as abruptly as it starts. And in the silence, I’m sure she can hear my breath. But I don’t care. It’s time. I step into the room, her back is turned to me, and my shadow is cast against her, a me-shaped silhouette, like she is being enveloped by me. I wish.
Her shoulders heave with her deep breaths, her fingers still pointing to the ground where her ukulele lies.
And there’s no more time.
“You are astounding,” I say. Knowing whatever word I use, it’s not enough.
She spins around, surprised but not scared.
She must have known I’ve been listening all this time. All these days. I take a step forward and my shadow grows smaller, almost fitting completely against the line of her body
“Hi,” I say. Like I’ve said it a million times. “I’m Jez.”
She looks up at me, her eyes scanning every inch of my face, like she’s trying to build a 3D copy of it in her head. I don’t say anything and just stand there and let her look at me. It gives me the chance to stare at her in turn.
She looks exactly the same. Save for a thinning of her hair on one side, it’s like we’re back sitting in that side alley three months ago.
And all I’m wanting to do is kiss her.
Her eyes travel back to mine and she licks her lips.
“I remember,” she says.
My heart leaps into the air and somersaults. Pumping blood in all directions.
“You remember? You remember me from that night?” Why didn’t she come and tell me?
She drops her eyes. “Oh, no. I… um, you told me your name was Jez the other day, when you came into my room. I mean I remember that.” Oh. And my heart plummets. “But…” She lifts her chin and we lock eyes again. “I think I must remember you from somewhere else as well.”
I can’t help but smile. There’s something so vulnerable about her, I remind myself to be gentle. I wish I’d thought to do so that first time I went into her room, but I hadn’t known what was going to happen.
“Do you want me to tell you?”
She doesn’t answer and just bends slightly to pick up her ukulele and cradle it under her left arm. Each movement is precise, fluid, gentle.
“To be honest? I don’t.” And she walks past me and sits on one of the couches.
I give myself that moment, my back turned to her, to react. She doesn’t want to know you, Jez. What are you going to do about it?”
“I’m sorry, please don’t be hurt.”
I spin around and try not to shrug. “I’m… I’m not.”
“Yes, you are, I can see it in your face.”
Of course she can. Why would I doubt that?
“It’s just, I’m kind of sick of people telling me things that I should remember. Do you have any idea how disconcerting that is? That people think they know you better than you know yourself? Well, I’m tired of it. What I feel now, in the present is valid, regardless of what I might’ve said or felt in the past. I hate that the people disregard what I’m saying now, just because the past me may have said or felt something different. Well, fuck her. She’s done. And I’m here.” She stops to take a deep breath. I’m thrilled that she’s talking. And it’s taking everything I have not to tell her, she hasn’t changed at all.
She continues, “So, if you tell me something that happened to me, to us that I don’t remember, I don’t know what I can trust about how I feel about you now. And right now. I just want to pretend we’re meeting for the first time. And make my own judgment. Can we maybe do that just for now?” Her eyes round out, soft, almost trusting, almost begging.
I nod twice and walk over, standing by the couch in front of her. “Of course. We can do exactly that? Except…”
She looks up to me, her eyes narrowed, as if ready to be disappointed, “Except?”
“Well, if we’ve just met, you have an advantage.”
“What is that?”
“You know my name, but I don’t know yours.”
The worried look in her eyes fades instantly and a smile spreads across her face like a Saharan sunset. Brilliant, burning, and pure.
“My name is Noemie. Noemie De Bruyn.”
“Hi, Noemie. I’m Jez. Jeremy. Jeremy Petrescu. It’s very nice to meet you.”
“You say that now, but we’ve only just met.” she says and gives me a wink. And we’re back in that mens room, and I’m falling for her so fast, I’m shoving my hand down a urinal trough. I’m doomed. I’m so fucking doomed.
She’s looking at me, like she’s waiting for a response.
“You’re right. So far, you seem alright. But I can’t wait to find out what a giant sniveling cow you are,” I say, my mouth shooting off without my brain.
I turn to her, and her jaw has fallen open. Shit, I can’t believe I said that. It’s just I feel so comfortable with her, like… like we’ve known each other for a hundred years.
And yet, I have to remember, she feels like she’s only known me for 30 seconds.
“Shit, I’m sorry. I was just joking. I can’t always control my mouth.”
“It’s okay,” she waves her hand, dismissing my comment. “I barely heard it, I was just thinking how you probably have the nurses crush up your medication and put them in a Yoohoo because you’re too scared to swallow whole pills.”
She gives me a sweet smile, fluttering her eyelashes at me.
And it’s on.
“Well, I bet that you eat chocolate bars with a knife and fork.”
“Fair. But not as bad as you probably wearing floral nighties to bed, complete with curlers in that over coiffed hair of yours.”