“Ooooh! Spill!” She clasps her hands together, gleefully, and spreads her legs straight out in front of her again. I can’t help noticing how long and curvy they are, even jailed in those tights. I wonder how she would react if I offered to help her out of them right now.
Geez, focus, you bloody hound dog. I can’t help it, it’s like I’m suddenly in heat and I’ve caught a sniff of her scent and I won’t give up until I have a taste.
“Hey! Don’t leave me hanging!” Her voice infiltrates my dirty thoughts of her and I have to look away before I speak. I don’t even know why I’m sharing what I’m about to tell her. But now isn’t the time to be contemplating her sorcery. It’s the time to just trust and fall.
“Okay, okay. So, I’ve never admitted this to anyone before but… I’ve never, ever been in love. Not even close.”
Her eyes widen and her jaw drops a little. “Wow. Really?”
“Really.” I nod my head. “Have you?”
“Of course I have!” She exclaims like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. It makes me feel a little embarrassed of my confession. “Of course I’ve loved. It sucked!” She laughs. “No, it’s great. It just sucks when it’s over. Falling out of love is one of the worst things ever. You know, you expend so much time and energy, falling for some one. Then it happens and you’re so happy and you build this world and future together, and then one day, you wake up, and you’re looking at this face and… you just realize. I don’t love this person anymore. And you don’t know how to extract yourself from that life.”
“Wow. You just made love suck.”
She guffaws and there’s the tiniest snort at the end of it. She burns red and covers her face.
I bite my tongue trying not to tear her hands away. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself running my fingers over her flushed cheeks in the process.
“Your turn,” I remind her, once we’ve been quiet for a few seconds.
“You can’t handle my real secrets.”
“Try me.”
“Okay, I stole a handful of cheese from the falafel place and put it in my bag and when I go home, I’m going to have the best grilled cheese you’ve ever dreamt of.”
“Wow. Hardcore.”
“Told ya. Wanna hear another one?”
“Hit me with it.”
“I don’t know how to ride a stick.”
“Um, you’re going to have to be a little more specific…” Because I’m coming up with my own version of what she means. Stop thinking about her riding… anything, Jez. Just stop it.
“A manual! A car with gears you have to change yourself and stuff.”
“Oh! DRIVE a stick.”
“That’s what I said,” she glares at me.
“Toilet Girl, I can guarantee you, if you had said DRIVE a stick and not RIDE a stick, I would not be having issues with my own… er, stick right now.”
Her eyebrows raise and I know she’s doing everything in her power not to look at my crotch. Which is probably better for us both.
“I gave you two. It’s definitely your turn now.”
“Fine. Um, ok, how about this. I think I’m a fraud.” I let out a breath. One I’ve been holding all day.
She frowns. I guess she didn’t want to hear that. “In what way.”
“In my work way, I guess. Like tonight? Something huge happened, a big achievement. But I think I didn’t deserve it. I mean, at the time I was stoked, but now, I can’t stop thinking… I didn’t deserve it.” I rub the back of my head, trying to make sense of what I’m feeling.
“Why do you think that? Did you lie or cheat?”
“No,” I shake my head. “I worked hard.”
“Then why do you feel like a fraud?”
“I don’t know. Why do you think?”
“Well, keeping in mind I know nothing about you…” she turns to face me again, and her eyes bore into my skull, rifling around in there, reading my deepest thoughts. “Is this a big dream of yours?”
“The biggest. I mean, it’s not the first time I’ve achieved it… but let’s just say, it’s a new level.”
“Okay. So. Maybe here’s the reason. Maybe you don’t want to have achieved it. Maybe finally attaining the one thing you’ve been chasing your whole life, is now making you feel empty. Like, where do I go from here? But instead of just feeling that, your brain is screwed up and telling you, you didn’t deserve it. That way, you still get to keep trying. Feeling like you’ve got something to live for.”
I think she’s right. Of course she’s right. Who is this woman?
“Or, it could just be, you actually do suck and your brain is trying to tell you that. That you just got lucky.” She shrugs, matter of factly.
“My brain is a fucking bitch!” I declare.
This time her snort is loud and clear. And she doesn’t care. She just keeps laughing and I laugh along with her. Openly, freely. Until there’s no more air left in our lungs to laugh. My whole body aches by the end of it, my stomach muscles trembling from contracting, but it’s the best sort of ache.
“That’s probably the best laugh I’ve had in a decade,” she says, when she’s caught her breath.
“That’s too bad. You have a great laugh.” I tell her, and she rewards me with a smile so sweet, I almost feel bad for the feeling of desire rising up in me.
I look away and run my fingers over my stomach, massaging it, and I look up and she’s watching. Her scrutiny makes the skin on the back of my neck stand up, and I realize in the course of our conversation I’ve inched closer and closer to her, our legs touching at the thigh and all the way down to the knee. I can’t tell if she’s noticed or not, but now I can’t focus on anything else.
I clear my throat and try to move my leg away, but hers just follows, comfortable against mine.
There’s the sound of someone clearing their throat and I look up and see Mike standing in the shadow of the doorway, holding two bottles of water. I reach out and he hands them to me.
“Thanks, Mike,” I say and he nods and disappears back inside.
I open the top and hand one to her. She takes a long, slow sip, her eyes never leaving mine.
“Feeling better?”
“Yeah. Thanks.” She plays with the lid of the bottle for a moment, and then lays her head back against the way, sighing softly.