There’s a rippling laugh from the crowd and more voices join the heckling.
I gesture wildly to Sebastian to just start playing. He yells into the microphone, “We ain’t scared a’ nothing!” And he pulls his bow across his cello and Brad joins in, the audience instantly comes alive, raising their arms into the air.
I run over to Anca, she’s still rooted to the spot her hands still unmoving.
“Anca! Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
“I… I… I can’t…”
“It’s okay, just breathe.”
“No! I can’t! I just… I told you… I’m just not good enough!” With that, she stands up, steadying herself on her harp for moment as she sways and then runs off the stage.
“Anca!” I go to follow her but a figure stops me.
“Let me go, Jez, she needs me.”
“Let her go, we have a concert, Marius. You have to let her go.”
“To hell with that! She needs me, she needs YOU, can’t you see that?”
“Look! Look man, Hailey is right there with her!” He points to the wings, and I see Hailey with her arms around Anca. “We have work to do. You think I don’t want to go after her? She’s my baby sister man, but she made a choice, and so did we.”
“Fuck that, get out of my way.”
“When are you going to fucking listen to me! This is why it’s never going to work! Why I never wanted you fucking my sister in the first place”
This time, it’s my fist that cracks his jaw. Right there, right on stage. He stumbles back, drops his cello.
I brace myself for the return attack, but he just shakes his head.
The music keeps going as I feel someone drag me off stage, to the sound of Sebastian yelling into the microphone, “Damn, sometimes the music just works you up doesn’t it! Don’t worry, someone’s hosing our hot, sexy viola player down, I’m sure he’ll be back later. Get those panties ready, ladies!… and hey, if some of you sexy men wanna throw some up here, that’s fine too!”
“Let go of me!” I struggle out of the hold. It’s our bodyguard, Mike. “What the hell, man?!” I yell at him.
He puts a hand on my shoulder, it’s hot and firm and large. “Marius. Chill.” He says. And I know he’s right.
“Where is she?” I ask him.
“Hailey took her back to the hotel. I’m sure she’s fine.”
“Fuck.”
I stand in the wings, looking out at my bandmates, three figures on the stage, and wonder how it’s come to this. Them there, and me here.
And worse.
Me here, and her god knows where.
Anca
I feel nothing.
I feel nothing, I hear nothing, I barely know where I am.
I’ve felt this before.
And I don’t know how I can be here again.
My body jerks and there’s some chatter and someone’s pulling gently on my arm.
“Come with me, hon,” someone says. I think it’s Hailey. “Come on, let’s get you up to your room.”
I know my body’s moving because the sights around me change, but I don’t know how it’s happening. I’m not telling my legs to move, or my body to pitch forward, but it is.
At least there’s that.
At least my body knows what it needs to do, even if I consciously don’t.
I guess that’s what’s keeping my lungs taking in air and my heart beating.
“Sit down, babe. Here, have a drink.”
She’s being so nice.
I ruin everything, all the hard work that all the band and crew do, and I can’t do the ONE thing I’m meant to.
Play the fucking harp.
She’s being so nice and I don’t deserve it.
Somehow that revelation breaks the dam, and I feel my eyes fill with tears.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry!”
“Hey, hey, don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal! Things happen.”
“But… I shouldn’t… I have a problem, and I shouldn’t have gone on stage…”
She frowns, looking even more concerned than she did before. “You’ve had this happen before?”
“Yeah… but I thought I had it under control until the…” I throw my hands up, I don’t even know how to explain it.
“Until what?”
“Just… I guess … I didn’t have it as under control as I thought I did.” My eye catches the display of dahlias on the coffee table. My stomach sinks into the floor. “Wha… um, what is that?”
“Oh, I guess someone brought it in here for you, looks like some flowers from a fan.”
No. Not here, please not here. Not now.
“There’s a note, do you want me to get it?”
“No!… I mean, I have a headache, I don’t really feel like reading anything.”
“Of course, I’ll let you get some rest. Don’t worry about anything, okay? Just get some rest and when the rest of the guys come back, we’ll go grab something to eat.”
“Hailey?”
“Yeah, babe?”
“Thank you.”
“No problem, we’re family, right? Not just cos you’re Jez’s sister, or um, Marius’s girlfriend… or whatever. Just cos you’re you. We’re fam, babe.”
My eyes threaten to flood with tears from her words, so I just smile and she gives me a hug before turning off the light and closing the door quietly behind her.
The flowers loom, even in the dark and I avoid them as I change into a t-shirt.
My senses are starting to return, and now I long for the numbness again.
I can still hear the jeering from the crowd, the look of confusion and worry on Marius face. Jez’s disappointment.
I can still taste the acid in my mouth as I just sat there, frozen.
“I’m not good enough. I should’ve known that. He was right. I’m just not good enough.” The words envelop me in the dark as I lay down, my head sinking into the pillow. There’s comfort in being in this headspace. I know no one will expect anything of me, anymore.