I want to laugh but there’s something spellbinding about her, that I can’t help but succumb to the request.
I move next to her, against the railing of the balcony. When she lifts her arms up, I copy and breathe in deep. I take a quick peek out of one eye to see her lift her arms and I mirror her. Then we let them fall, pushing the air out of our lungs. The deep in and out of air almost makes me dizzy and I open my eyes and fix them on the lights twinkling above and below me. Everything blurs and I feel like I’m floating to the heavens.
“We’re flying.” I exhale into the cool night air.
“Yeah, we’re flying,” she agrees, in a soft, husky whisper.
Then she turns to me, and we lock eyes.
And then her lips are on mine.
Hard and deep and urgent.
My arms come up to wrap around her back, as she backs me up against the balcony railing. Her mouth crushing mine. Her tongue in my mouth. Her hands pressed against my chest.
In that one second, my body jerks alive, and I want her.
God, I want her so bad, I can taste it.
It tastes like, it tastes like fucking vanilla.
Sickly sweet and cloying and invading every one of my sense.
“Fuck,” I whisper under my breath and against her mouth, my hand coming up the tangle in that magnificent chestnut mane of hers.
“Fuck,” she murmurs in response.
She’s so warm, every part of her, exuding this heat that I’m clinging to for life.
And then it dawns on me, what we’re doing. And everything stops. I pull away, her hands still clinging to the back of my shirt.
“Dammit. DAMMIT!” I spin around, turning my back to her. “We can’t do this.”
She nods and turns away from me, her hand grabbing at her hair, pulling it to one side, twisting it in her hands. “I’m gonna go.”
“Wait. Anca.” I pivot around, calling out to her. I’m not sure why.
She doesn’t say anything, she just turns back to face me.
“We can’t do this.” I say again.
“I know.”
“No, I mean. We really, really can’t.” My hand twitches to reach out to her.
“No, I know, Marius. I know.” She shakes her head.
“You know why, right?”
She shrugs, “Yes. I mean, no. No, not really. Why?”
She must know, is she just wanting me to say it? “Why do YOU think?”
“Because you don’t want to?” She looks up at me with eyes so vulnerable, my heart clenches.
“Oh my god, no. Fuck, god no. I want to, I want it to so bad I’m afraid my zipper’s not going to hold out much longer against the strength of my… want.” Her eyes flick to my groin, just for a second, then away. But I see it. “No, Anca. Because… Jez.”
She narrows her eyes and takes a step towards me.
“What about him?”
“You’re his sister.”
“Yeah?”
“And. I’m his…”
“Friend? Bandmate?” She suggests.
“No, well, yes, but, above all else, I’m his… bro.” And he is mine.
“So, that makes you my bro?” She muses, tentatively.
“Kinda.” I shrug.
“OK. Ew. Moment over.” She scrunches up her face.
I let out a small chuckle and she gives me a one shoulder shrug and sits down on one of the wicker chairs.
“Fuck.” She says, her head falling into her hands. “This was NOT supposed to happen. How did this happen?”
“Well, there wasn’t much chance of it before. Maybe we should go back to hating each other?”
“I could never hate you, Marius, I never have and I never will.’
“Are you sure. You didn’t like me so much the other day.”
“You’re an idiot.” Her words are insulting, but the smile she gives me tells me a different story. “I’ve had a crush on you since I was 13 years old. I, er, I even told Jez about it.”
“Oh. How did that go down?”
“Not good.” She lets out a small laugh. It’s so cute I just want to go up and give her forehead a kiss. And then ravage her. I slap my forehead to get the image out of my skull. “Anyway. It was just a puppy love thing.”
“Wow. Okay. Huh. And that kiss just then?”
“Think of it this way, it was just to satisfy the teenager inside me.”
“And what about the raging horn dog in me?”
“He will have to say goodnight to me now.”
“Yeah. Fuck. This sucks.” I sigh and reach out to tuck an errant curl behind her ear. “All I want to do right now is kiss you until you beg for breath.”
She looks away and smiles. “The teenager in me is really happy to hear that. It was a pretty big crush.”
We sit for a moment, listening to the traffic sounds drift up to our balcony. I try not to think about how long it’s been since I’ve felt this strong an attraction to someone. And why it doesn’t matter that I feel this way now.
“Hey,” I say after the moon has shifted in the sky. “Remember all those things I said that night, that I said was just to surprise you?”
“Yeah,” she nods.
“I meant every word. Every word.”
“Marius…” she looks up at me, and everything I’m feeling is reflected in her eyes.
I can’t stop myself when I lean down, and press my lips against hers.
It’s different this time. Soft, tender, sweet. So right in every way. But so wrong in just the one way.
I pull back, just far enough so that our lips aren’t touching, but I can still taste the sweet tinge of the gin on her breath.
“I’m sorry. I can’t. I just can’t. I won’t do it to Jez.” I whisper, my words brushing against her lips.
Her hand comes up to softly caress my cheek and she smiles. I can’t see it on her face, I’m still so close, but I can see it in her eyes. “I know. He’s lucky to have us,” she sighs, and I’d chuckle if it didn’t hurt.
“Goodnight, Anca.” I whisper.
“Goodnight, Marius.” She replies.
And I leave before I do something no apologies will ever repair.