And now I know where I’ve seen the person before.
“Brad. It’s nice to see you again.” He holds his hand out to me.
“Silas.” I reach out, out of pure habit.
He shakes my hand and smiles before turning his attention to Emily.
“Hi Emily, you look good.”
“Uh, thanks,” she replies, her voice small and shaken.
“How do you know Uncle Brad?” Ben looks up, asking Silas.
“We used to go to school together!” Silas says, looking down at him.
“Oh, like with Mommy when she was little, not old,” Ben says, and giggles remembering our joke.
“Yup, just like that. She was my girlfriend,” Silas tells him.
“Ew, yucky.” Ben screws up his nose.
“And…how do you know Silas, Ben?” I can’t wait any longer to ask.
“Oh, that’s a silly question, Uncle Brad,” Ben tells me. “I know him because he’s my daddy.”
Emily
I need to talk to him.
Dammit. I need to talk to him and explain.
I need to explain why I haven’t told him this before and why it doesn’t matter now.
But I can’t. I have to fucking sit here in this fucking bus ten feet away from him in the other fucking bus pressing redial constantly on my phone because he won’t fucking answer.
I can’t even imagine what he’s thinking right now.
I saw his face, God, the look on Brad’s face when he realized Silas was Ben’s father. It felt like all the hurt and betrayal I had been harboring toward him was directed at me. I’ve never seen him look so hurt in his life. And I caused it.
Why won’t he answer the phone?
Talk to me, Brad. I’m staring out the side of the bus, but he just won’t come to the window.
Please. Please, just a smile or wave. A text telling me I’ve fucked up but it’s okay.
That we’re okay.
Because as much as I fought it, fought him, fought you, Brad. I want to be with you. I need you.
If Silas is here, I’m going to need you. I’m not going to be able to do this alone.
My fingers run over the iPhone keypad and I type the words.
Please talk to me. Please answer my phone. Don’t shut me out.
I send him another.
I can explain. I can explain it all. But you have to talk to me.
I can’t do this without you, Brad.
I love you.
But the messages go unanswered.
And I sit by the bus window, watching the day slide into dark, dark night.
***
It’s been a whole day, and Brad hasn’t said a single word to me.
I could blame it on our schedule. We spent six hours on the road yesterday, and ended up in Edinburgh for the annual Snow Festival. They spent the entire day in rehearsal.
But I know that’s not it.
Even during the lunch break, he went back to the bus while everyone feasted at the pub. And tonight, at dinner with a local fan club, he made sure he was seated as far away from me as possible.
A whole day and not a single word. Not an expression of anger or blame, of accusation or fury. Just nothing. I thought I’d at least catch his eye now and then. Hoping that if he wasn’t talking to me, he’d at least look at me. But nothing.
Even the others are wondering what’s going on. I know it’s a surprise to them that Silas is Ben’s dad. But to them it’s just a funny fact. Emily and Silas ended up having a kid. But it’s not funny. And it’s the last thing that Brad needed to find out the way he did.
But I can’t do anything about that until he talks to me.
Just talk to me, Brad.
***
“Ben. I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay?”
“Yes, Mom.”
“Now, I’m letting you come today because you’ve promised that you’re going to be a good boy. You’re going to listen to me, you’re going to listen to Carrie, and you’re going to do whatever you’re told. It’s going to be very busy there, and it will be easy for you to get lost. And you don’t want that, do you?”
“No, Mommy. I promise I’ll behave.”
“Good, because Mommy will be working. She’ll have to watch the shows and do some interviews and I can’t be watching you the whole time. If you don’t think you can be a good boy, you’re going to have to stay here with Carrie instead. Maybe she can take you to a movie or lunch and the playground.”
“No, Mommy! I want to come with you and Uncle Brad and everyone else!”
“Okay. Remember, you promised. Now, you have your bag packed?”
“Yes, Mommy, it’s my new Spider-Man one that Uncle Brad gave me yesterday.”
“Yesterday?”
“Yes, he came over while you were in the shower and he said he bought this for me and that I’m his special superhero because I’ve been so brave with my broken arm and not complaining even though he knows it must hurt.”
“That’s nice of him.”
“But then he left really quickly when I said you would be out of the shower soon.”
“Well, he’s very busy with his concert today.”
“That’s what he said too.”
“Okay, baby, let’s go!”
“Let’s go, Mommy!”
***
The annual Snow Festival in Edinburgh is one of the high points of the winter music scene in Europe. Held at Dalmeny House, the main property on the estate is a gorgeous Gothic house lording over a field that can fit almost fifty thousand hardcore music fans who aren’t afraid of braving the cold.
It’s the third year in a row The Rock Chamber Boys have played, and their first year headlining. It’s a big thing. It’ll set up huge momentum for the sales of their new album, and the exposure with the online videos that go viral will be pivotal to the success of their big tour come summer.