“No. I love him like a brother, like I do all of them, but nothing else.”
“And you didn’t have anything to do with the pictures?”
“Other than bringing that lowlife into our circle? No, I promise.”
And I believe her.
” OK.”
“I’m sorry, Cadence.”
“I believe you, Hailey. I accept your apology. I’m sorry it came to this.”
“What’s going to happen between you and Sebastian?” She asks after a few minutes of silence, as we all are lost in our thoughts.
“What do you mean? Nothing.”
“This doesn’t change anything?” Her question mirrors the one I’ve been asking myself.
“I don’t know.”
“He wasn’t choosing between us, Cadence. He was choosing between keeping his word to me or not, and if you know anything about Seb, it’s that he’ll never break a promise to you.”
“I think I know that much.”
“And one more thing. It’s that if you don’t come back, he’s never, ever going to be the same.”
“Does he know you’re here?”
“No. I’ve only just come from telling the guys what happened. They’re not that happy with me either right now, for introducing Gemma to them. But well… Jez asked me to give you this.” She holds out a small CD envelope to me.
I reach for it slowly, “What is it?”
“It’s a recording of something he found on the computer. He thinks it’s probably important you hear it.”
SEBASTIAN
“So, what do you think?” Jez asks me once it’s just to two of us left in the room. It’s been a long day, and I just want some quiet time to myself.
“About what?”
“What Hailey told us.”
“What is there to think? It happened, and now we know why. Dennis will do what he does.” Though whatever that is, it’ll only fix part of the problem. The rest is beyond fixing at this point.
“I mean about Cadence, what is this going to mean about you two?”
“Nothing. She already decided she wants nothing to do with me, what more can I do?” I try to answer him flippantly. I’m afraid of another shower intervention, if the boys catch me moping over my broken heart again.
“You could not be more of a chickenshit.” Jez says to me, shaking his head.
“Hey.”
“Seriously, man, where are your balls?”
“She doesn’t want to see me. She hates me! She thinks it’s me that did this to her and she blames Hailey, and in a way she isn’t wrong, even if it’s not exactly how she thinks. What more can I do?”
“You make her realize that you’re worth it, dude.”
“I don’t know if I can do that. Because I don’t know that I DO deserve her.”
“Well, duh! We all know you don’t! But for some reason she’s cockmad for you! Don’t take that for granted.”
I get up and wander over to the piano. Running my fingers over the keys, remembering the way she sat here, lost in the music, me watching her, mesmerized by her.
“What if I told you Hailey was over there explaining everything right now?” Jez breaks my daydream. “What if right now, Hailey was getting you off the hook?”
“I- I don’t know! Does that change anything?”
“Goddammit, do I have to do EVERYTHING for you? DO you LOVE her, man?!”
“You know I do!”
“Then for fucking sakes, use those balls for something other than a toy to fiddle with when you’re bored and go get your woman back!!”
CADENCE
I’ve waited as long as I can.
Waited until Hailey left and convinced Sarah to go home.
Waited until I took a shower and stood in the kitchen making tea and waiting for it to cool.
Waited until the sun had set and the stars had come out to play.
Waited until I could barely breathe from the weight of the suspense.
And now I’m ready.
I slide the CD into my laptop and click on the one file.
There’s a soft buzz and then the sound of soft breathing in the microphone.
And then he speaks. “This is… this is “Cadence’s Song”. A song for my muse. My everything, my here, there, everywhere and in between. I miss you so much. This is for you. ”
My heart feels like it skips one, two, three beats and I thump myself on the chest to start it. The tears have already started to fill my eyes and I feel my fingers grip into fists, almost like I’m trying to capture the air particles that carry the timbres of his voice. How I’ve missed his voice. His words, his whispers into my shoulder as he cradles me from behind.
And then he starts to play.
It’s a sweet, beautiful melody. Gentle and lilting, the sound of moonlight on water, of raindrops on skin. Parts of it sound so familiar, and I remember I’ve heard some of it before, heard it that night after the club incident.
It’s him. It’s all him. It’s as though he’s speaking to me, clearer than if he’d used words.
The song is heartbreaking, his notes long and sad, dark and yearning. It’s like he’s been watching me these last few days and turned my tears into music.
I feel so alone and yet so understood all at once.
I can’t help but ponder what I’ve lost and what I may never find again. I’m not the same person I was when I was seventeen and shut my heart off to the world. Maybe this time, my response to the brutal invasion of my privacy should have been different. I tried exclusion, maybe this time I should’ve tried inclusion. Instead of hiding, I should’ve sought justice and strength in facing it together and publicly declaring, ‘this is not acceptable’.
But it’s too late. I cast the die in pain and fear.
The music ends on a tender, minor chord, the mournful sound of endings, and it fills my heart with an ache in the shape of him.