I didn’t really agree with him at first, I mentioned. I told him that we’d agreed this had been casual and we were fine with ending things, but the thing that I realized is… we didn’t really end things. We stopped seeing each other, for obvious reasons, but the way we talk and catch each other up on our days ? That hasn’t changed.
She exhaled slowly, letting my words sink in. No, she said softly. It hasn’t. Her gaze fell to the table as she continued. And to be fair, Esme and Harper were wondering the same thing when they showed up at my place yesterday. Asking why the two of us were still talking if you’d shipped off to the other side of the country.
What did you say ?
I told them we were still friends, she said, chewing on her bottom lip, just without the benefits.
And that’s what you want ? I asked, praying to hear the word no. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted her support. I wanted her.
Though I was all too aware that what I wanted didn’t matter if she didn’t want the same thing.
I-I don’t know, Derrick. I mean, that’s what we agreed on, right ?
It was.
But now you’re saying that’s not what you want any more.
I shook my head. This isn’t about me. Don’t think about my feelings right now, I said, the words falling from my lips as our gazes stayed locked on one another. What do you want ?
I-
She stopped, holding her tongue while her eyes roamed around my features. Looking for the right answer despite the fact that all she had to do was be honest. But maybe that was the problem. Maybe she hadn’t been honest with herself.
Letting out a slow breath, she closed her eyes, looked up at the ceiling, and started again. I honestly didn’t start things up with you expecting it to lead to a relationship, she admitted. You’re a great guy, our chemistry is off the charts, and we have fun together, but I never let myself imagine moving further than that. Not really. Mostly because I never saw anything more as an option.
I nodded, but didn’t respond, wanting to hear everything she had to say. It didn’t matter that each word stung ; I masked my emotions.
There’s so much to think about right now because the most important thing to me over the next couple of months is my PhD. I need to stay focused to craft the perfect defense, get the students I’m teaching prepped for finals, and hopefully show the department at Harvard I’m worthy of the lecturing spot I applied for next term.
And I totally get that.
I couldn’t tell if she’d even registered the words that left my mouth-almost involuntarily-as they’d been so quiet. And by the speed in which her rambling continued, my best guess was she hadn’t.
But if I really think about it, I agree with Ryan. My brows shot up at her shy admission and a small amount of hope surged through me. I like talking to you and catching up on how things are going in your life. I like that even though it was our chemistry that drew us together, our personalities also seem to mesh. I like being there for you and knowing that you’re there for me. And I guess I’ve always thought relationships with a friendship at the foundation were the best kind, but because of how everything started, never let myself think about any feelings that were underneath the surface. But they are. There are feelings there.
It was everything I wanted to hear, yet I didn’t realize that I was taking a moment to let it all sink in until Lia began fidgeting.
Uh, I don’t know if you have something to say now, or… ?
Yeah, right, sorry. I ran a hand through my hair. As you can probably tell I’m not good at this stuff, and if I’m being honest, the only other relationship I’ve ever been in ended in a colossal dumpster fire.
What happened ? If you don’t mind me asking.
No, it’s fine, I said, knowing it was important to lay everything out on the table. I got together with my ex, Chelsea, at the end of high school. About a year before I got drafted. And things were great, so we didn’t even think about splitting up and stayed together through my early years in the league when I was playing in the minors. The traveling was a lot on her though, but I didn’t know that. She was in college, seeing roommates and friends circle through relationships, and didn’t fully trust me while I was out on the road.
On my side though, I had blinders on. I thought I was in love with this great woman who supported my career, who wanted to build a life with me, and someone that ultimately checked off all the boxes for me. I only found out things weren’t so great when I popped the question during the off-season when we were both twenty.
The surprise was evident on Lia’s face. You proposed ?
I did, I confirmed. And do you want to know what she said ? After a hesitant nod, a humorless laugh escaped me. She said that I was living a fantasy out on the road and didn’t have a grasp on our relationship at all. Apparently, she’d been seeing someone else for over six months because we’d gone that long without seeing each other-the longest over the course of our relationship-and she just wanted to wait to break up in person. She said she couldn’t love someone that wasn’t there for her both emotionally and physically.
I’m sorry, but she was completely in the wrong, Lia said, immediately jumping at the chance to make me feel better. Cheating is the worst thing to do to a person, and if she was having doubts, she should have come to you. Even over the phone.
I know that now, I replied, but it took a few years to work through the tainted feelings I had around relationships. Though the constant traveling has always been something that’s held me back.
Why now then ? she asked, her voice timid and curious. What’s changed to make you want a relationship with me of all people ? Especially when we’re living on opposite sides of the country.
I was all too aware we were still seated in the middle of a restaurant, but this was my one chance to prove my case to her that I was worth it. That this wasn’t just the impulsive decision it seemed to be. So, standing up, I watched Lia’s eyes widened as I walked around the table and crouched down in front of her. Cupping her chin, I leaned in for a kiss, a smile forming when she didn’t pull back.
As our lips met for the first time in three weeks, a rush of desire flowed through me. One that’d been locked behind a gate for far too long and couldn’t be extinguished. And from the way Lia gasped before sinking into the kiss, I wanted to believe she was feeling the same.
It was a kiss that I wished I’d kept away from prying eyes-wanting to run my hands all over her body and feel her shiver when I deepened things. But being in public had me holding back ; keeping things soft and sweet but still full of passion until I pulled back.
Because of that, I said, my breath fanning her lips. Because you’re smart, driven, caring, and insanely fucking attractive. She chuckled lightly, smiling as a blush began to tint her cheeks. Because what’s between us could be as electric as lightning if we explored it, and because in just a short amount of time, I feel like we’ve built up something strong. Something worth fighting for.
Biting her lip, she asked, Even though you know how I feel about relationships coming before my work ?
Of course. Hell, my career isn’t exactly easy to deal with either, I countered. I at least know that you’re busy trying to change the world, which I could never fault you for. Meanwhile, I’m stuck working on the other side of the country.
Technically, you work all over the country, she drawled. Including here.
On rare occasions, yes. But I need you to be honest with me about this, because you deserve better than a guy hopping around states-