His mother had barely said a word, and I couldn’t blame her. Every time I looked at Noah, my heart shattered just a little more. If he didn’t wake up soon, I wouldn’t have anything left. Glancing around the room, I saw Dean and Jen huddled up on the floor, distant looks in both of their eyes. It had been that way for the past week, and it had slowly gotten worse. We all knew that with each passing day, Noah’s chances at waking up lowered.
I smiled as JJ looked up at me from Jackie’s lap, who was sitting on the opposite side of Noah’s bed. Rich was holding her hand, trying to give her some comfort but she was like me ; her eyes looked empty, hopeless.
Come on Lily, I thought, Get a hold of yourself. He will wake up. I know he will.
Dropping my eyes to the bed absent mindedly, I continued to hold Noah’s hand. For the past week, I hadn’t been able to let it go. Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, I rested my head on the bed, feeling the tiredness consuming me. The nightmares were still happening and sleep avoided me, and the only place I felt safe was with Noah. That was the only place I had ever felt safe.
Come on Noah, I begged, Just squeeze my hand.
I felt everyone’s eyes on me but I didn’t look up. I just waited, silently begging him to do something. But there was nothing. It was just the same as it always was ; useless. Tears pooled in my eyes and I started to cry quietly, using the bed to muffle my sobs. Suddenly, I felt movement on the bed and I raised my head, almost too afraid of what I would find.
But then he did it. He squeezed my hand. I barely felt it, but it was there. Crying out, I jumped out of my chair and it fell to the floor in my haste. He just squeezed my hand, I said frantically, moving forward and stroking the hair away from his forehead. I swear he did. He just squeezed it. Someone go and get the doctor now. NOW !
My aunt scrambled out of her chair and bolted out of the room. But I barely noticed. Everyone crowded around the bed and for the first time, hope radiated throughout the room. I looked up and saw tears in everyone’s eyes but they weren’t sad. My own eyes were brimming with tears and I squeezed Noah’s hand again, feeling alive for the first time.
It’s about time you woke up, I laughed softly, still holding on to his hand tightly, too afraid to let it go. I bet you just enjoyed the baths from all the nurses, huh ?
Jackie laughed beside me and leant over my shoulder, looking down at her brother. His eyes were still closed and he hadn’t squeezed my hand again. But I didn’t care, I knew that he had felt me there. I just knew it.
Suddenly, the doctor came bursting through the door with my aunt trailing behind, slightly out of breath. He had a look of disapproval on his face. All of you. I need you to move back now, he commanded, stepping forward. You can not surround his bedside like this. He needs space. There’re too many of you. Just step back.
Everyone reluctantly did as they were told, but I knew it took every ounce of their willpower to do so, just like it took all of mine. I quickly kissed Noah’s forehead and walked back. Julie stepped up beside me and took my hand in hers. I squeezed it gently and looked at her. She smiled at me and I could see the tears in her eyes.
He’s going to be okay, I whispered, nodding at her. I know he is.
We all watched silently as the doctor stepped forward and took hold of Noah’s hand gently, watching for any signs of movement. After a moment, a frown appeared on his face and my smile started to fade. Noah, I would like you to squeeze my hand if you can hear me, the doctor said, looking down at him.
Come on Noah, I murmured, willing him to do something. Anything that would just give us hope. But I could feel it draining out of the room. Behind me, Jackie was crying softly and I tried my hardest to ignore it. If I didn’t, I would start and I had a feeling that if I did, I would never stop.
My eyes widened as the doctor let go of Noah’s hand and pulled out something from his pocket. He reached over him but paused with a sigh, looking back over his shoulder at all of us who were standing there, waiting.
He didn’t respond. This is called a refractor, he said, holding up something that looked like a pen. It’s a small torch that tests the reaction of the eyes to light. I’m going to see if Noah has any reaction.
I watched as he opened Noah’s left eye and shined the torch in to his eye. Please… I whimpered, as Jen stepped up beside me and took hold of my other hand.
After a moment, the doctor switched off the light and turned towards us all, a sad look on his face. I’m sorry, but
No, that can’t be right ! I shouted, running to Noah’s bedside and taking hold of his hand once more. I was standing right here, and he squeezed my hand. I felt it. I know I did.
Lily, sometimes
No, please, I wept, the tears streaming down my face as I stared at him. Just tell me I didn’t imagine it. Just tell me something.
Listen, he said, looking around at everyone before settling his eyes on me. It’s common for people in a coma to have muscle spasms, but they can’t control it. Lily, I know you didn’t imagine it but if he squeezed your hand, that doesn’t mean he knew. I collapsed in to the chair as the sobs wracked my entire body. Coma patients have a lack of awareness to their surroundings but I tried to see if Noah could focus on the light. There was no sign of awareness at the moment, I’m sorry.
No ! His mother wailed, collapsing in to her husbands arms as tears pooled in his eyes.
What does that mean ? Dean asked quietly, as Rich and Jackie just stood there, not saying a word.
It means that for now, Noah has no awareness of his surroundings. I’m so sorry. He looked around the room and stepped to the door. It doesn’t do anybody any good sitting in this room for hours on end. All of you look exhausted and I know most of you haven’t eaten in days. I want you to go and get something to eat and just take an hour, okay ? Noah will be here when you get back.
I’m not leaving him, I whispered, taking hold of Noah’s hand and entwining my fingers with his. There’s just no way.
I’m staying too, Julie said, taking a seat beside me and placing her hand over mine. My son can’t be here alone. He needs his family.
I understand, the doctor said. But will the rest of you please take care of yourselves, even if it’s just for an hour. I mean look at this boy… My eyes travelled to JJ as the doctor pointed to him. He needs some sleep and some proper food, not just snacks from the vending machines. Am I clear ?
He’s right, Jackie said reluctantly, her eyes never leaving Noah. We need to take care of ourselves for Noah. When he wakes up, we need to be able to take care of him.
We’ll be back soon then, Pierce said quietly, wrapping his arm around Jackie’s shoulder as he led her to the door, following behind the doctor as he left. I just watched numbly as everybody followed. But just as my Aunt started to walk out of the room, she looked over her shoulder and smiled softly at me.
I love you, she mouthed, and then she was gone.
Then it was just Julie and I left alone in the room with Noah. It felt strange. For the past week the room had always been full but now, it felt empty again. With Noah’s family surrounding me, I had been able to stop myself from breaking down but as I sat there, the mechanical noises pierced the room like they had done on the first night when I had been alone. And I was struggling to feel hopeful. I was struggling to feel anything.
You know, he must really love you, Julie whispered suddenly. I turned towards her and stared. Ever since Noah was a boy, everyone knew he was special. He was kind to everyone, but he changed when he got older.
What do you mean ? I asked.
He just lost his way, she said quietly, wiping her eyes as the tears began to fall. I didn’t think he would ever find anyone. Or he wouldn’t let himself find anyone but then you came along and changed it all.
I didn’t do anything, I said gently, looking back down at Noah and trying to keep my own tears at bay. Truthfully I didn’t want to fall for him. I said to myself I wouldn’t fall for anyone but your son didn’t really give me much of a choice. He waited for me, and I ended up falling in love with him.
I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer and they rolled down my cheeks. Julie reached over and patted my arm. Only once, but it was enough to make the tears flow. Sniffing quietly, I squeezed Noah’s hand and silently prayed that he would squeeze it back.
And to my surprise, he did.
Oh my God, I whispered, swivelling towards Julie with my eyes wide. He just squeezed my hand again. He did, I swear.
It was probably just another muscle spasm, Julie said dejectedly, rubbing her eyes.
No it wasn’t. It wasn’t, I said adamantly, taking a deep breath and squeezing his hand again.
I waited for a brief moment and after an agonizing second, he squeezed my hand back. He just did it again, I sobbed, looking at Julie who was sat there, wide eyed. Go and get the doctor back here. Tell him Noah just squeezed my hand twice.
She kissed me on the cheek quickly and jumped out of her seat, and for the first time she looked hopeful, like things really could change. Taking a deep breath, I stood up and leant over the bed.