It must have been the medication that knocked me out; I’m not certain. But by the time I opened my eyes, it was dark outside.
Kate was asleep on the couch in the hospital ward, her small frame curled up uncomfortably. I couldn’t help but feel bad for putting her through all this stress. The quietness of the room settled over me, and I took the moment to reflect on what the doctor had said. Pregnant. The word still echoed in my mind, foreign and unbelievable. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d have a child out of wedlock.
I had two choices: get rid of the baby or keep it. Two choices that would cost me dearly, emotionally. Each option felt like a heavy weight pressing down on my chest.
I wondered what they had given me because I was starting to feel sleepy again. This time, when I opened my eyes, it was morning.
*****
“Good thing you’re awake. I got you something to eat,” Kate said the moment my eyes fluttered open. She was seated in the chair close to the bed, her thin features looking more pronounced in the harsh morning light.
“I really don’t feel like eating anything right now,” I mumbled as she brought the food near me.
“The doctor said you need to eat well and take care of yourself,” she insisted, her voice firm but caring. “He also mentioned that you fainted from stress, which is why they made you sleep for so long. So you have to eat in order to recover fully.” She opened the plate of food, revealing a simple serving of pasta. She brought the fork to my mouth, urging me to take a bite.
Reluctantly, I took the forkful of pasta. The food was bland, tasteless, but I chewed slowly, knowing Kate was right. My body needed the energy, especially now. As I swallowed, I realized how exhausted I still felt, not just physically but emotionally. Every part of me wanted to curl back up and shut out the world, but I knew I couldn’t avoid this forever.
Kate watched me with concern in her eyes, waiting for me to take another bite. I hesitated, then took the fork from her hand and forced myself to eat a little more. I could see the relief on her face, but all I felt was a deep, gnawing emptiness inside.
“Thanks, Kate,” I said softly, managing a small smile. “For everything.”
She squeezed my hand gently, her eyes softening. “You don’t have to thank me, Nora. I’m here for you, no matter what.”
I nodded, but I couldn’t shake the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty. My life had taken a turn I never expected, and I had no idea what the future held. All I knew was that I had a decision to make-one that would change everything.
****
Later that day, we were discharged, with the doctor emphasizing the importance of rest. Kate and I returned home, and as soon as we walked through the door, I headed straight to my room.
I needed to make a decision before it was too late. The weight of the situation pressed down on me, suffocating any sense of clarity. First, I needed to call Raymond.
I picked up my phone and dialed his number, not caring about the time. My heart pounded in my chest as the phone rang, each second feeling like an eternity. Finally, he answered.
“Hello? Hello?” His voice was sharp, but familiar. But as much as I wanted to speak, the words caught in my throat. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.
“Hello?” he repeated, his tone becoming impatient.
In the end, I hung up without uttering a single word.
Who am I deceiving?
I knew exactly what he would say. He’d accuse me of trying to pin the pregnancy on him, and not just him-the whole world would think the same.
Tears streamed down my face as I buried it in my pillow, muffling my sobs. Life is so unfair, is like the universe was conspiring against me.
What do I do? Where do I start from ? Why is all of this happening to me?
Can I at least have a normal life for ones ? Must there be complications ?
The thought of my father crossed my mind, and a fresh wave of despair washed over me. I could already see the disappointment in his eyes, the way he would look at me if he ever found out. It was a weight I didn’t know if I could bear.
My body shook with the intensity of my emotions, the tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. I hugged the pillow tighter, as if it could somehow absorb all the pain and fear coursing through me.
But deep down, I knew that no matter how much I cried, it wouldn’t change the reality of what I was facing. And that was what hurts the most.
I can’t take care of a child like this, not in this condition, I don’t have my own apartment, I don’t have a job, I can’t even get help from my family, cause for some reason they’ve abandoned me.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh!” I screamed into my pillow, hitting my hands and my legs on the bed.
“Whyyyyyy ?”
“What did I do so wrong that makes me deserve to be tortured like this ?” I shouted to no one in particular, hoping I’d at least get an answer from anyone anywhere.
Kate ran into the room quickly, probably heard me shouting, “Nora… Are you okay ?”she asked, her face pale with worry.
I quickly wiped the tears off my face and sat up nodding my head.
“I’m fine.” I said forcing a tight smile.
“Is okay dear, you don’t have to act strong around me, I understand how you feel.” She said wrapping her hands around me.
Her words only increased my crying from gear one to gear two.”I’m so confused Kate, I don’t know what to do, I can’t even afford to take care of myself let alone a baby.”
“Hush now sweetheart, you don’t have to worry about the money, just think about what you want and what will make you happy, take one step at a time.”
“I don’t even know what the first step is..”I admitted, my voice trembling.
“Maybe you should start by informing the father and hear what he has to say.”
“I can’t..”
“Why ?” She asked gently.
“He’s literally the genesis of my problem..”I confessed, my voice thick with emotion.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” She asked, her tone soft and understanding.
I hesitated a bit and decided to go ahead to tell her, not like I was in the mood to talk but I went on to tell her everything, omitting only the details that might lead her to discover his identity.
“Oh my God, you’ve been through so much,” she whispered, her voice full of empathy. “It’s settled then. We won’t involve him. Just know that whatever you decide, I’ll be here to support you.”