Nadia
On Thursday, I’m still at Flynn’s house. I’ve slept there four out of seven nights this week, and it’s starting to feel more like home than the Kremlin.
We’re about to head over to the Kremlin for rehearsal when Flynn gets a call from his mom.
“Hey mom. What?”
I immediately see by the tension in his face that something’s wrong.
The boyish expression he usually wears is replaced by a more haunted quality. “No, of course. Where are you? Send me the pin. Okay, I’ll be right there, Mom.”
“What is it?” I ask.
“My mom has been in a car accident.” A deep line etches his brow as he throws on his leather jacket and grabs his keys.
I scramble to do the same.
“Is she all right?”
“Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. She said she’s uninjured, but she was also bawling, so I couldn’t tell. I think she’s just upset.” He stares at his phone when her text comes in and opens the map.
“She’s not that far. Do you mind coming along?”
“Of course not. Are you kidding? Flynn, it’s your mom.”
When we get in the van, he calls Story. “Hey, Mom got in a car accident. I’m going over there.”
I hear the alarmed tones of Story’s voice from the other end, and he tells her the same thing he told me about her being uninjured by upset.
“I’ll keep you posted,” he promises and hangs up.
A heaviness descends in the van. “Are you worried?” I ask.
“A little. But I think she’s probably all right.”
I chew on that. It’s almost like Flynn’s getting ready to match his mother’s emotional level. Is this his gift for dealing with distraught women?
When we get to the site of the accident, it becomes evident that it was just a fender-bender. A cop is there taking down the info from the other party.
Flynn wraps his mother up in a silent hug, and then they just stand there together, enmeshed.
Something twists in my belly, but I’m not quite sure what it’s about. Something bothers me about this scene. It’s a little too familiar.
He’s a caretakerthat’s what Cadence had said about him.
Once more, I’m wondering if taking care of me was just something he’s good at, not necessarily something that’s good for him.
Maybe I’m dragging him down the way his mom is. Making him lower his energy level, dim his brightness, mute his joy for the sake of matching someone he cares about.
I absolutely hate the idea.
In fact, it destroys me.
I back up until my butt hits the parked van and blink back tears in my eyes. Of course, that’s when his mom spots me.
“Flynn! You brought a friend.”
Flynn releases her, and she hurries over to me to pick up and squeeze my gloved hand. Her eyes are red and puffy, but she’s as warm as the sun. “Hi honey. I’m Monica, Flynn’s mom.”
“I’m Nadia.”
“It’s nice to meet you, sweetie. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt if you two were doing something. I just didn’t want to be here alone.”
“You’re not alone,” Flynn reassures her. And she’s definitely not. She has Flynn. Ready and willing to walk 500 miles for her.
Because that’s who he is. And that’s amazing.
But I don’t want to be her for him.
And I fear I am.
Flynn
Nadia is quiet on the drive to the Kremlin, but I can’t seem to ferret out why.
We waited forty minutes with my mom until the cop finished writing her the ticket, and her car got towed, and then we dropped her at home.
“Everything okay?” I ask for the third time.
Nadia sends me a weak smile. “Yes. Your mom is sweet, and you’re a good son. I can see why you and Story are such kind people.”
Huh. That doesn’t explain her reticence.
“But?” I prompt.
“There’s no but!” she protests, except I’m sure there is. I keep replaying the scene trying to figure out what I fucked up, but I can’t think of anything.
I park underneath the building, and we take the elevator up to the floor where we rehearse, and that’s when I acknowledge that this day truly has become a clusterfuck.
Cadence is standing outside the studio with Lake, and both look deeply unhappy. Worse, they appear to be waiting for me.
“Cadence needs to talk to you,” Lake says.
What. The actual. Fuck?
I seriously could throat punch Lake right now. He should be clam-jamming Cadence for me, not bringing her to our rehearsal.
Seriously not cool.
I reach for Nadia’s hand because I swear to fuck, I already feel her slipping away. “Okay,” I say with fake casualness.
“I need to talk to you alone,” she says.
Nadia tries to let go of my hand. I refuse to release it.
“No, that’s not cool with me. Nadia is my person”why the fuck can I still not call her my girlfriend?”so she stays.”
Cadence’s nostrils flare. She puts her hands on her hips. “Okay,” she says a little too loudly. Loudly enough that everyone inside the studio can hear her next words. “I’m pregnant. I guess I’ll just tell everyone at once. I’m pregnant, and it’s yours.”
The fuck it is.
My mother raised me better than to say the first words that come to mind. I’m sure Cadence is upset and stressed and overly emotional right now. Me being a dick won’t help.
Beside me, I feel Nadia panicking, and I fear it could turn into a full-on attack.
I try to keep my voice low and calm. “Okay, I seriously doubt that. I used protection both times I was with you.” I glance at my bandmate, who looks like he wants to murder me. “What about Lake?” I ask.
Nadia’s fighting me for the freedom of her hand.
Fuck. Of course she doesn’t want to let Cadence see her freak out. I also don’t want her to leave my side. I need to be with her if she has an attack. This is my fault, and I need to fix it.
“The timing isn’t right for it to be Lake’s,” Cadence says with full authority. “It has to be yours.”
Nadia tears her hand away and whirls, dashing for the elevator.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Okay, well” I stare at Cadence then Lake. I know the right things to say here. That if it’s mine, I’ll take responsibility, I will support her through whatever choice she makes. Be with her all the way. But I just know this is bullshit.
I’m fucking sure of it.
“Hang on.” I hold up a finger and turn and dash to the elevator, slipping through the doors right before they close.
Nadiamy sweet, sweet girlis on her hands and knees on the floor, struggling for breath.
I want to go in hotrush to spit out a thousand words that will take away the sting of this unfortunate turn of events. I want to promise her that this changes nothing, beg her to still be mine, but I know my own frantic energy isn’t going to help her breathe.
So I drop to the floor with her. I lie on my back with my head near one of her hands, so I can see her face. I don’t touch her. I don’t try to say anything.
Nadia’s unsuccessful attempts to inhale don’t improve, but they don’t get worse, either.
“It’s not true. I really don’t think it’s true.”
Nadia won’t look at meshe’s staring at a spot on the floor, but she nods.
“You agree? She’s just freaking out because I sang you a song.”
Nadia sits back on her heels and straightens her spine, some of her breath leaving with a heaved sigh. “Probably.” The word sounds bitter. There are tears at the corners of her eyes. I want to brush them away, but I don’t dare touch her yet.
I’m not sure how well she’d receive it.
I push up to my elbows, my feet nearly hitting the wall behind Nadia. “I’m so sorry for this. If I could go back in time and never hook up with Cadence, I would do it in a heartbeat.”
The elevator dings. We’re on the first floor, and the gatekeeper is standing there. When he sees us, his brows slam down, and he surges in. He’s coming for me.
“Whoa, whoa.” I scramble to my feet as I’m helped-hauled by a brawny bruiser of a Russian. “We’re talking.”
He asks her a question in Russian.
Nadia’s inability to breathe returns as she makes fish-out-of-water sounds and climbs to her feet.
The elevator doors start to shut, and the gatekeeper throws out a hand to hold them open then yanks me out.
“No, no, no, no.” I surge forward to jump back on before the doors shut. “Dude, you’re upsetting her more. Just get the fuck off and let us talk.”
Nadia holds up a hand, and for one horrible second, I think she’s going to have the guy throw me out, but then she grabs a fistful of my shirt and pulls me back in and shoves the gatekeeper out.
The doors shut, and I hit the button for the top floor, but it won’t go anywhere because I don’t have the keycard. Nadia produces hers and pushes the button for her floor. She’s still hiccuping and choking for breath, her body in a state of emergency.
“May I hold you?”
She shakes her head.
Fuck.
The elevator goes up, and she sags against the wall. “I don’t need you to save me, Flynn,” she says, closing her eyes like she’s exhausted.
“That’s not what I’m doing. What are you talking about? Hang on, Nadia. What’s even happening right now?”
“You’ll have to save her.”
“Her? You mean Cadence?” My heart thuds against my chest, and the elevator suddenly feels way too hot and stuffy. I shrug out of my jacket. “Nadia, can we talk? I can’t figure out what’s going on in your head. I know this sucks, but I don’t even think it’s true. And it changes nothing between us. I mean, I don’t want it to.”
The elevator stops on her floor, and she gets out. I follow her, but she stops me with a hand on my chest.
“I don’t want you to be my savior. I think Cadence needs you right now, and I don’t. So, let’s stop seeing each other.”
Stop seeing each other?
Christ.
How did we get here? Color me confused as fuck. My entire world is falling apart, and I’m not even sure what I did.
“Nadia, no. I’m not trying to be your savior.”
She’s calmed down enough to breathe and look me in the eye.
“What made you think that?”
She reaches up to cradle my cheek.
Oh, fuck. She’s definitely breaking up with me.
“Flynn, you are amazing. You have a huge heart, and you want to help everyone around you. Especially me. But I need to stand on my own. I want to be strong and not defined by what happened to me.”
“Nadia.” Her name comes out like I’m begging. Fuck.
“It sounds like right now you need to be kind and present for Cadence. I mean, you may have a baby who will need all your attention soon.”
“No!” I shake my head. “I won’t. I really don’t think she’s having my baby. I mean…”
“Flynn, you have to figure it out with her. And I need to figure myself out.” She leans up on her tiptoes and kisses my other cheek. “YA tebya lyublyu.” She says those words again that I don’t understand.
“Nadia,” I croak. Godammit.
My heart isn’t just breaking, it’s disintegrating. Falling into dust on the floor between my feet.
“I gotta go.” She turns and flees down the hall. At her apartment door, she turns and looks over her shoulder at me as she unlocks it.
I’m rooted in place, unable to move. Unable to speak.
There’s an apology in her look, but I also see a steely resolve there. And that’s when I realize.
It really is over.
Nadia has made up her mind, and she is strong. Nothing I say is going to fix this. Nothing I do will change it.
The first girl I want to keep is kicking me to the curb.
I seriously don’t know how I will ever go on.
Nadia
I manage to get in my apartment and lean against the door before I start crying.
Adrian and Kat are on the sofa watching television, Kat on his lap. They both look up in alarm when they hear my strangled wail.
I hold up a hand. “It’s okay. I broke up with Flynn. I don’t want to talk about it.” I force my leaden feet to move toward the bedroom.
“Okay,” Kat says.
Adrian hits pause on the movie they’re watching. “Am I going to kill him?”
I stop in my bedroom doorway and give him a hard look. A hard look tempered by a stream of tears. “It’s not funny. I’m tired of your violence. No. You are not going to kill him. You’re going to be very nice to him. Because he’s the nicest guy I’ve ever known.” With that, I burst into full-on sobs. I shut my door and throw myself on my bed.
I did the right thing. I know I did.
I don’t want to be the girl Flynn has to rescue. I don’t need a knight in white armor. I mean a white knight in shiny armor. Whatever. I don’t need him.
I need to be my own knight. To find my own strength. To build my own life.
This past month with Flynn has been amazing, but it was never meant to last.
I asked him to be the guy to help me find my way back into life and living. Back into my body. Back into sex. He did all of that for me. But to ask him any more isn’t fair. Especially when he has other people relying on him.
He already has to take care of his mom. And now Cadence and her baby. There is no way I will suck his attention from that. It wouldn’t be fair. He deserves someone who can give to him. Not just take. And I am a total drain on his energy.
I give myself thirty minutes to cry, and then I wipe my tears and get off the bed.
I sit at my sewing table and pick up one of the hand-dyed skirts I’m making. It’s time to finish the costumes for Black Velvet Burlesque.
Flynn showed me how to live.
I’m going to keep on living.