He could feel a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. He nodded to the blooms resting beside her where she knelt on the path. “Picking flowers?”
“I hope you don’t mind. I think the gardener was giving me the evil eye earlier.”
“Why the hell should I mind? This is your house too, Anna. Besides, Someone should enjoy them.” He offered his hand and helped her to her feet. Her hand was small, warm and soft in his and he resisted the urge to keep holding it.
To keep his hands safely to himself, he slipped them into the pockets of his slacks.
“Will you walk with me?” she asked, and when he looked back toward the house she said, “Just for a few minutes.”
When she gave him that sweet, hopeful look, how could he say no? “Just for a few.” He agreed.
They walked side by side down the winding cobblestone path bordered on either side by lush perennial gardens, chatting about what he was considering working on, and her already completed online course. He closed his eyes and filled his lungs with air scented with sweet fragrant blooms. The sun felt soothing and warm on his face and soaked into the black fabric of his shirt like hot molasses. “It’s really beautiful, isn’t it?”
She nodded, looking just as content as he was feeling. Linking arms, or resting an arm across her shoulder would be the most natural thing in the world right now, but he didn’t let himself go there. And the longer they spent this way, the harder it would be to resist.
“This is nice, isn’t it?” she asked him. “Taking a walk, I mean.”
“It is,” he admitted. “But I am going to have to get back to my office. I’m expecting a call at eleven.”
She held up the bunch of flowers she clutched in her hand and inhaled the sweet-smelling blooms. “You wouldn’t happen to have a spare vase lying around that I could keep these in.”
“You could probably get one from the kitchen. Ask the cook.”
Anna stared at him. She was having a good time. It was true that it would all come to an end, but then she would have the baby to take care of and focus on, and university after a while so she probably would be too busy to miss Cedric. At least she hoped that was the case.
“You know that I consider you….” she hesitated, looking for the right word, “…. A friend?”
“I do, too,” he said.
“I wish things could always be this way, but after the baby is born…”
What? They would suddenly not be friends anymore? He got it. She still wanted to leave him. And he could see that she was trying to figure out a way to explain it that wouldn’t hurt his feelings. But he understood. At least, he was trying to. “It’s okay, Anna, I get it.”
But it wasn’t okay. It hurt. And there wasn’t a thing he could do to change it. To make it better. He was going to have to accept it. Even if they had this baby together, she wasn’t going to be his wife forever, and he was to blame. He stood there for a second, just looking at her. He reached up and brushed the hair back from her face and tucked it behind her ear. Then he turned and walked away.
____________
Anna couldn’t sleep.
She lay in bed that night until after midnight, long past when she usually fell asleep, working the situation between her and Cedric over and over in her head. After their conversation that morning, they had both gone on to act as if nothing had changed. Business as usual.
Only, something had changed. She knew that she’d told Cedric months ago that she didn’t want to be married to him anymore after the baby arrived. Honestly, that was the way she felt then due to her anger, but now, she wasn’t sure anymore. It just felt so…final. Especially since he now seemed to be okay with it.
It was difficult to not resent him, to not take him by the shoulders, give him a rough shake and let him know that she felt differently now. But she already knew that she was wrong, and she would sound very selfish. She felt so helpless because there was no way to fix it. He was simply trying to give her what she told him she wanted. The question was, what did she want now? Did she really want to stay married, or was she making the wrong decision again?
She was already in over her head. Already cared for Cedric so much…. So much more than she should. More than was safe. It was time to put a lock around her heart and swallow the key before he hurt her again, and this time she wasn’t sure she’d survive it.
She rolled over and looked at the clock. Twelve-fifteen and she was still wide awake. On top of that, she was feeling the sting of heartburn creep up her esophagus. Maybe warm milk would do the trick.
Anna climbed out of bed, slipped on her robe, and headed downstairs. The house was dark and quiet and full of shadows this time of night. A little creepy in fact, but she didn’t want to turn on a bunch of lights and wake anyone. She hadn’t spent a whole lot of time in the kitchen so it took her several minutes to find a mug then figure out how to use the state-of-the-art microwave. When the milk was warm enough, but not too hot, she took a sip.
Oh, yack!
She screwed up her face. That was awful! She never imagined milk could taste so disgusting. A few heaping spoonfuls of cocoa mix would do the trick, but the last thing she needed was caffeine in her system. She dumped the milk down the sink, rinsed her cup, then refilled it with apple juice instead.
She considered going back up to her room, but sometimes, when she couldn’t sleep, music had a calming effect on her.
She walked to the den, having to almost feel her way through the dark hall, stepped inside and eased the door shut. Rather than switch on the lights, she crossed the dark room and flicked the switch next to the mantle. The gas fireplace sparked to life, bathing the room in warm light.