“You’re amazing, Cedric,” Anna sighed. “And, for the record, that wasn’t a compliment. Well, for your information, I’m neither a vegan nor a vegetarian, I don’t….”
“You don’t have to say all that,” Cedric snapped, clearly irritated. “I’m merely pointing out that you’re way too thin,”
“I know,” Anna admitted, pushing her eggs around the plate with a fork. “But aside from what happened today, normally I eat very well. It’s just that…”
“Just that what?” Cedric pushed as her voice trailed off.
“I guess I’ve been living on my nerves a bit the past few weeks.” Anna shrugged. She wasn’t going to tell him that she’d been thinking a lot about him all these while since she was the one who’d asked for space. That she’d missed him even though she’d been mad at him, and that as the pregnancy progressed, she was worried about what her life would be like after the baby arrived. Being a full time parent hadn’t been part of the plan when she married Cedric, but now she wanted to be, and with their marriage the way it was currently, she had no idea how it was going to work. “Trying to concentrate on my course and the pregnancy too,” she concluded instead, because that part was true too.
“How is the studying going?” His shrewd eyes narrowed as he watched her closely.
“Good.” Anna looked up briefly, grateful for the safety of apparent small talk. “I’ll be done with it in a few weeks,” She fiddled with her fork, took a mouthful of rather burnt egg before carrying on talking. They discussed for a few more minutes before she finally put down her fork. “I’m going to bed now,” Pushing her plate away, she flung down her napkin and stood up.
“But you haven’t finished your dinner.”
“Dinner!” Anna gave an incredulous snort. “You call that dinner?” She knew she was being childish, knew that there was absolutely no points to be scored here, but she didn’t care, “You, Cedric Blackwood can’t even boil an egg.”
“They were scrambled.”
“Can’t scramble an egg, then!”
“I have other talents!” Almost imperceptibly his lips twitched and Anna’s eyes screwed closed, a furious blush scorching her cheeks. “Still, if you look in the fridge I’m sure you’ll find a jar of hollandaise sauce lurking there. A container too, perhaps. Maybe you could do a repair job on the eggs,”
“You’re insufferable,” Anna snarled. “Impossible and insufferable. I’m going to bed.”
“Fine. Then go,” Cedric responded, completely unmoved, but as she made to go he caught her wrist, turning her around to face him. The teasing, superior look had left his eyes now, replaced instead with his harsh black stare, his fingers searing into her flesh as he held her wrist in a vice-like grip. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Fine.” She agreed, and pulled at her arm but still he held her wrist.
“This is my baby, Anna,” he said.
She gave a frozen stare, then, as his free hand came up, as an unvoiced question darted in his eyes, she gave him reluctant permission to feel the child within her, closing her eyes as she felt his hot hand on her stomach, the baby swooping slightly beneath his touch, and loneliness drowned her then. Oh she missed him. She missed his touch all these months. She missed his kisses and his love making….
“Look after it, Anna.” He said, interrupting her thoughts.
“I will.”
“I mean, look after yourself.”
She nodded her understanding, his hand moving reluctantly away, and she missed it as soon as it was gone, missed the strength and warmth of his touch, the tiny shared intimacy, even missed the vice of his grip on her wrist as he let it go. He stood up and turned his back to her; his expression unreadable.
“Night, then,” she said, her voice slightly breathless, almost willing his hand back, almost willing him to touch her again, for this loneliness to end.
He didn’t answer, and she didn’t expect him to. She slipped across the kitchen and pulled open the door, reluctant to go but desperate to escape this emotional melting pot.
“Anna,” Something in his voice stilled her, something in his expression as she turned around made her want to weep, for never had she seen him so unsure, never had she seen Cedric anything other than confident and in control. “Do you think I’ll be a good father…. to our child?”
His eyes searched hers. “I don’t know if I’d be one. My father wasn’t exactly what you’d call a father talk more of a good one, so I don’t even have someone to look up to in that aspect,” he gave a hollow laugh, “Hell, I wasn’t even a good husband to you and I ruined our marriage before we even had a chance to start. I ruined us and I’m starting to understand that no matter how much I regret it, I might not have the chance to change it, but I do have a chance with our baby. I don’t want to ruin that too,”
Anna was silent for a while before she finally whispered, “I think you’ll be a good father, Cedric,” she told him, and she meant it, “The fact that you’re even worried about it shows that you are willing to try and that’s a step in the right direction. You’re a better man than your father was. You don’t have to look up to him when it comes to parenthood,”
Her response seemed to bring him some relief, and he nodded, “Thank you, Anna,” he said, “Good night,”
Anna left, but when she finally lay down on the cool sheets in her room after taking a shower, she couldn’t help the quiet tears that slid into her hair.
______________
Cedric knocked on the door to Anna’s room, curious as to why she hadn’t shown up for breakfast. No. He wasn’t curious. He was downright worried. Had she really been that tired? What if something was wrong? What if she was sick? He knocked again, harder this time.
“Anna, are you awake?”
No answer.
“Anna,” he called again, expecting an exasperated reply. In fact, if it meant she was all right, he welcomed a little sarcasm, but she didn’t answer. Fear looped like a noose around his neck, making it difficult to breathe. What if she’d slipped and fallen? What if she was hurt?