Lea had been gone for two and a half weeks and the house was still on edge. No one dared looked my way, much less speak to me unless I spoke first. I avoided having meals in the dining room, opting to eat what little bit of food I could stomach in my office.
During the evening hours, I found myself sitting in the far northern nook where Lea had like to spend so much of her time as I went over the plans for reorganizing the organization. At night I found solace in the room once belonging to the woman I loved, curling into her pillow and breathing in the remnants of her tantalizing scent.
As the days wore on, I kept myself busy by working to finalize the transfer of our arms business to our partners in Hong Kong. Once the transfer was complete, all ties to the Asian market would be severed and Stephens’ Holdings Inc. Would be able to launch as a legal corporation. Our clubs, casino’s, and the small backwoods diners our informants owned would all be covered under the legal umbrella that being such a deity offered.
The transition had some of our associates worried about the lingering effects of our former activities and the impact they would have on everyone moving forward. I had called a meeting last week to ensure everyone that we would still be responsible for taking care of issues that arose from those activities has we previously had. I had spoken with each head of the houses we owned in London, Australia, New York, and a few minor countries to assure them that the only thing that was changing was the legalities of how our organization would work.
I was deep in thought as I made the few necessary changes to the contract and initialed the paperwork so that our lawyer could make the necessary changes. A chair scraping across the floor caused me to look up as the weakened man took a seat across from my desk and studied me before speaking.
Boss.
As I took in the man in front of me, I leaned back in my chair and steepled my fingers under my chin. His hair was unkempt and his eyes showed how much physical, as well as emotional pain he was in.
Miller.
We continued to eye each other a moment, neither one knowing exactly what to say to the other.
Miller held my gaze as he spoke, I failed her Boss.
I nodded once, We all failed her Miller. Myself more than anyone.
Another lingering silence filled the room.
So we are going legal ?
Yes. I watched Miller’s face as he sat across from me. Why are you back here Miller ?
Miller shifted in his chair, I couldn’t continue laying in that room surrounded by idiots that knew nothing of what had happened.
Lynx had orders to keep you there until you were cleared for travel.
Trust me, it wasn’t easy to get him to disobey those orders either, Boss. But, Miller glanced around the room, I told him I didn’t give a rat’s ass about your orders and that if he didn’t bring me back home then I would make his life more miserable than what it already was.
I raised an eyebrow, And exactly how did you plan on doing that ?
Miller spoke softly, Let’s just say I had an excellent teacher.
I sighed out and ran a hand down my face, I guess you did.
Miller pushed out of the chair and started toward the door, She taught us all a few things Boss, it would do everyone good for us to remember that.
Miller walked out the door and I looked back down to the paperwork in front of me. The changes that I was making in the organization was because of her, because she had made me want to be a better person instead of the monster I was.
A soft knock sounded on the door and Mahalia’s voice flowed through the wooden structure, Mr. Stephens ?
I laid the pen back down and sighed once more, Yes Mahalia.
Mahalia slowly pushed the door open and stuck her head around the thick mahogany slabs. I watched with agitation as she walked in and shuffled nervously in place just inside the doors.
What can I do for you Mahalia ?
Mahalia’s gentle voice was full of concern as she asked the same question she had each evening for the last couple of weeks, Will you be joining us in the dining room tonight ?
My answer was immediate, No.
Mahalia folded her hands in front of her and continued to fidget nervously.
Mahalia, if that is all, I have things that I need to finish.
Mahalia took a few steps forward, her gentleness and understanding being replaced with determination and anger.
No, Sir, that isn’t all.
Mahalia, you should tread carefully.
Careful my ass Sir. I looked up and met Mahalia’s glistening eyes. That is all everyone has been doing, treading carefully. Don’t you realize that everyone else is hurting too ? That everyone else feels like they could have done something more ? You hide away in here, or out in the garden, or in Ms. Lea’s room and you don’t see the impact that her not being here is having on the rest of the house.
Mahalia clenched her fist as she stepped to the edge of my desk, They need you Mr. Stephens, she paused and looked me in the eyes, we need you. After all the hell she went through in the last five years, she didn’t hide away. Mahalia held up her hand as I started to speak and continued, Yes she changed some things in her life because she needed to, but she didn’t hide away. And she wouldn’t want you to hide away either. She would want to you to go on to become the man she knew you could be.
I shook my head, I can’t Mahalia, not yet.
Then when ? Tomorrow ? Next week ? Next month ? Next year ? You know what she would say to your cowardice Mr. Stephens ? My narrowing gaze didn’t seem to faze the elderly woman. She would say Suck it up buttercup, because you done went and fucked up.
Mahalia turned and stalked out of the office. I caught a glimpse of the tears running down her face as she slammed the door behind her. I pushed the chair from my desk and stood, looking out over the gardens. The pain of Lea’s absence hit me in unforgiving waves and I sank to my knees, burying my face in my hands as I thought on what Mahalia had said.
She was right, I had been hiding. I had been a coward. And I had been avoiding facing the people within my organization that relied on me and my presence. But hiding away was the only way I knew to how to deal with the emotions swirling relentlessly inside of me.
I turned from the window and tucked away the files for the transfer and made my way to my room. I stepped into the bath, and turned the water to a comfortable degree. As the liquid heated, I gathered a fresh set of clothing.
As I stripped down and stepped under the harsh, refreshing jets, I let the memories I had of Lea flow through my mind. I though about the first time I saw her in Black Cat’s, how she held her own with me. I thought about the determined look on her face as I pulled her from her hiding spot in the theater and held my Glock to her temple. I thought about her fierceness in the plane as she threw the expensive wine set at me. I thought about the nights that I stood in her doorway, watching her fight her memories of Cece’s death in her sleep.
I though about the night at the opera, how she allowed me to kiss her. I thought about her breathless sighs as I pinned her against the walls, touching her, seducing her into loving me. I thought about the night at the club, how she took the initiative and led me to the dance floor, and then again as she asked me to kiss her. I thought about the morning she woke me with her night terrors, how I held her in my arms for hours assuring her that she was safe.
I thought about the way I walked away later that morning and about her calling after me. I thought about watching her walk out the door with Victoria.
And I thought about the night Darrell came to me, telling me Lea was gone.
As I stepped out of the shower and dried off, I thought about the what ifs. What if I had put that bullet in her all those months ago ? What if I had not tried to be a better person for her ? What if I had not allowed her to go with Victoria ? What if she was still here with me ?
I slowly made my way to the dining room and thought about the way Lea made me feel through it all. And as I took my seat at the head of the table and looked over the people that Lea had unknowingly changed, I smiled softly and I allowed those feelings to fill my heart and soul.