It wouldn’t surprise me if she got kicked out. While Brenna and I aren’t exactly besties, I still don’t want to see her ruin her future. This is a tough school to get into and there are no second chances. I just want to shake her and make her see what an amazing opportunity she has in front of her. If she fucks it up, she’ll regret it later-especially when she’s thirty-years-old and stuck working at a Hot Topic in the mall.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I say.
She shrugs. “Some friends of mine are taking me out to the bar to make me feel better tonight. You should come with us. I think one of my friends has a class with you in the morning.” She winks. “In Professor Whitford’s class.”
I feel my cheeks flush. This sounds like a terrible idea. I don’t want to go to the bar, but I also don’t want to brush her off when she’s feeling so terrible.
“I don’t know too many people in my class. Who is it?”
“His name is Jaime.”
Oh, him. The boy who sits next to me and stares at me obsessively. He seems nice enough, but Leo hates him because of the way he looks at me. I’m just glad Leo is a fair teacher and doesn’t take out his frustration on Jaime. Despite his lack of attention in class, Jaime gets good grades.
“I have plans tonight, but I can stop by for a drink beforehand.”
Brenna claps her hands and it seems to cheer her up a bit. I’m happy to help her, and I start to feel better about the situation. What harm can one quick drink do?
It’s early when we leave for the bar. She’s wearing a black mini dress so short her ass cheeks hang out. I’m wearing jeans and a sweater. We look ridiculous together when we walk into the bar; we couldn’t possibly be more opposite.
It’s a little dive bar called Tucana’s, with a Hawaiian theme. People sing karaoke in one corner and play pool in the other. Brenna lifts her arms and a group of people stuffed into the corner of the room cheer.
They are a strange mix of people. Some have the same kind of punk and goth look like Brenna, while others are more strait-laced like me, and then there are others who look like the stereotypical jock type. If this were high school, it would be the most confusing thing ever, but here everyone is working toward the same goal, so it makes more sense.
Jaime stands up, seeming surprised to see me. He smiles and scoots over to give me the chair beside his. I reluctantly sit next to him while Brenna sits across from us.
Drinks are ordered. While everyone has shots, I have a vodka Collins. I’m not trying to get drunk before my date with Leo.
Brenna lifts her shot glass. “Fuck finals,” she says as her toast and they all repeat her words.
“Did everyone do terrible on their finals?” I ask when it seems like everyone agrees with her. Some look more somber than others, but it seems like no one is really here to celebrate.
They do a round-robin, talking about scores. Most are passing but the theme seems to be that they didn’t do as well as they thought. Even Jaime’s scores were low.
“What about you?” Jaime asks. “How did you do?”
I don’t want to brag, but I’m proud of myself and I’m not going to downgrade my success just because things didn’t go as well for them.
I sit up, feeling myself smile inside but try to tamp it down on the outside. “I aced mine.”
They congratulate me and seem sincere about it. That is until I look at Brenna. The sneer on her face makes me wish I hadn’t opened my mouth.
“That doesn’t surprise me one bit considering she’s sleeping with the professor,” Brenna says.
My blood runs cold. When all eyes fall to me, I want to climb under the table and hide.
“Which professor?” someone asks. Everyone is very excited by this bit of gossip. And even a few people snicker and say, “Why didn’t I think of that?” They talk about old and fat teachers who they would be grossed out by, but would fuck them anyway for an A.
But when Brenna says, “Leo Whitford”, the crowd is hushed. Jaime looks at me like I broke his heart. Then his sad look morphs into something angry. Then one of the girls in the group says, “I would definitely fuck Leo for an A.” One of the guys agrees and there is enough laughter to take the attention off of me. It becomes a game of which teacher you would have sex with, and I’m hoping my personal story will soon be forgotten.
But Jaime and Brenna aren’t playing along. If Jaime is mad enough to get Leo in trouble, Leo’s career could be on the line. He loves his teaching job. I can’t have that ruined because of me.
I get up and leave while everyone is distracted. Brenna tries to get me to stay, though I don’t know why since she was just throwing daggers at me with her pointed gaze.
“Kimmy, wait,” she says. She tries to apologize, but I don’t want to hear it. I just need to get out of here.
“Save it, Brenna. I know you’ve had a shit day, but you had no right to do that to me. I told you I’d come by for a drink, I had my drink, with a side of humiliation thanks to you, and now I’m done. Done with this bar. Done with you.” I turn around and leave her there before she has a second to react.
I go back to my dorm room to pack my bags. I throw my duffels on the bed and grab everything of mine I can find, haphazardly throwing my things inside. Books with shoes with cosmetics. I move quickly, so eager to leave this room and leave Brenna behind. I have no intentions of coming back to this room or ever talking to Brenna again.
When I don’t show up for our date, Leo starts to text me.
I don’t have the guts to tell him what happened tonight and that his career might be compromised because of me. I don’t want him to be side-swiped by the information, though. I can only imagine how devastating it would be to be blindsided. I have to at least warn him. It would be horrible of me not to, so I send him a quick text message letting him know that Brenna told people about us. Then I shove my phone in my purse because I’m afraid of his response. As immature as it is, I’m not prepared to handle the devastating outcome of all of this.
I should never have allowed this affair to happen. There was too much at risk. I’m so stupid.
I haul my bags down stairs and pile them into my little Toyota SUV.
I had been so excited to spend my end of semester break with Leo, but now the idea of going back and dealing with everything, it’s all too stressful. I just want to go home and hide. Figure out my next move without having to see Brenna or any other students’ suspicious eyes on me on campus.
As I drive, Leo continues to blow up my phone with texts and then calls. I turn off my phone and toss it into the backseat for the duration of the drive to my mom’s house. It’s a two-hour drive. I stop for gas and snacks. I’m going to eat my feelings with Cheetos and Sour Patch Kids just as Brenna did.
By the time I get home, it’s late. My mom turns on the porch light when she hears my car pull into the driveway. She comes out in her robe and slippers to greet me. Her hair is still neat and her makeup is still on, so I know she hasn’t been sleeping. She’s hardly slept through the night since my brother and father went to jail.
I get out of the car and instantly feel the tears start to well up in my eyes. “What’s wrong, Kimmy? I thought you were spending your break on campus.”
We sit on the patio swing and I start to cry. I tell her everything. I spill my guts about Leo and how I think I might be in love with him even though I know what we’re doing is wrong and could get both of us into a lot of trouble. I tell her how I feel like I’ve let her down, let dad and my brother down too. There is no end to my self pity and remorse.
“Can I get a word in here, Kimmy?” she says, cutting me off. “I may not be the aspiring lawyer, but I do know a thing or two. You’ve made some mistakes, that’s for sure, but what you’re doing with Leo isn’t wrong. You’re both adults.” She shrugs and says, “Look, I’m not saying it’s exactly smart, but it’s definitely not wrong.”
I laugh because I know she’s just trying to cheer me up. And she’s right. We are both adults and have the right to be together, but there are rules and we are breaking them. I hate that those rules are in place, and I get why they are, but I know Leo would never play favorites. If I wasn’t doing well in his class, he wouldn’t give me a good grade. He’s not like that. If he was, he would’ve failed Jaime.
“If you love him and you want to be with him, there are other schools you can attend. With your academic record, any one of them would be happy to have you.”
My stomach sinks. “But I’ve worked so hard to get into this school. This was the dream.” Long before I ever attended the university, I was watching their footballs games on TV even though I hate sports, and I was wearing their sweatshirts and had their school flags pinned up on my wall. This was the dream-the only dream-the school I always wanted to go to, so when I got in, there was never any other option for me.