31

Lauren Hart
Sitting under the tree that has absorbed my silent cries and pleadings over the years brought the painful memories back. This was the same spot where I used to sit when and talk to the tree for hours when I was upset because there was no one to listen to me.
My heart became heavy and I bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying. I hadn’t let out my tears since the day I left my parents and see the irony of situations; I was back at the same spot, about to cry for the exact same reason I used to before.
“Be strong, Lauren. Be strong for yourself.” I said to myself. But this time my brain refused to listen to me and my tears were on the verge of flowing and I had almost surrendered to the brain when I felt a presence beside me. I immediately blinked back the tears and crossed my arms across my chest without looking at the person beside me.
“Done flirting with my sister?” My tone came out heavy but clipped.
“Flirt?” He seemed surprised. “I was having a pure conversation with her…wait!” Sean grabbed my chin and turned my face to him. “Are you jealous?” He asked with a hint of mischief.
But I wasn’t in the mood to joke. I swatted his hand and looked away, not answering anything.
“Wh- Lauren look at me.” He ordered gently but I didn’t comply. I heard him sigh then he grabbed my hand. “Listen, Lauren, I was having a normal conversation with her where she was telling me about the family business and…and if you felt upset and hurt because of that then…” He squeezed my hand.
“I am sorry. I apologize for hurting you. It wasn’t intentional.”
My heart skipped several beats at a time. Him apologizing to me was a whole new thing. Honestly, I forgave him the moment sorry left his mouth because neither Laura nor Sean had even an ounce of feelings for each other. It was all outer. But my insecurities had already taken a toll on me. I had always been left out; it’s not new to me.
When I didn’t reply for a while and refused to look at him I heard him exhale a heavy breath. “Now I get the problem. You are insecure!”
My head whipped in his direction, my eyes showing complete astonishment. How did he know?
He gently smiled at me and raised his hands. I back away a little but he caught my face between his warm palms. “You feel insecure with your sister, don’t you?” He asked softly. I couldn’t form words.
“You don’t have to!” He exclaimed and chuckled. “Insecurities arise when one is afraid of being left out…and I am not giving up on you.” He winked.
Scoffing, I slapped his hands away. “For how long will this attraction of your last? Huh?”
He frowned at my outburst.
“Didn’t you see what I did back there?” I asked. “Didn’t you listen to what my mother said about me? I am crazy and do stupid things! Everyone is tired of my unusual ways; everyone leaves me. Sooner or later, you are going to leave too then better do it now! Save yourself from embarrassment I may bring to you!”
I cried out in one breath, my chest heaving heavily. I had said something I kept concealed inside me for so long; my fear of being dumped again.
After my outburst what I didn’t expect was Sean’s silence. His eyes were focused on me, studying me, but his lips remained sealed.
“Is this what you think about me?” He asked after a long silence. I averted my eyes. “Tell me, Lauren… did I ever complain anything? Did I ever mock you for your behavior? Did I agree to whatever your mother said? Look at me!” He raised his voice a little, making me flick my eyes to him. He turned his body completely to me and pinned my eyes.
I felt intense irritation. “No one gets me the way I get me, you getting me? No, you don’t -”
“I am getting you, Lauren! You are crazy, yes! And that’s what makes you unique. You question the norms of society and speak your heart out. People failing to understand you tries to shut you out. But I won’t! Because your craziness, your freshness, your uniqueness attracted me to you!”
He took a pause and then spoke. “You are a wildflower, Lauren. You are born to be grown untamed. That’s what crazy about you. Take being called crazy as a compliment.”
My eyes started to moisten up. How could he be so right about me? How could he know so much about me in a short period when my parents failed to know me?
My eyes prickled with tears but I refused to cry before him. I blinked and again looked away.
“I want to be alone.” A lone tear slipped my eye.
Please leave, Sean. I don’t want you to see me cry.
“I can be alone with you, only if you want.” He whispered.
That’s it, I lost my self-control and flung my arms around his neck and I cried. Slowly, he held me tightly with his one arm around my waist and one hand behind my head. Through tears, I let out the pain I had kept hidden inside me for so long.
“Why can’t they understand me?” I cried harder, pressing myself more against him and he held me tighter, giving me the support I needed.
“Despite having a family I have always been alone.”
“I understand you, Lauren.” He mumbled. I knew he said that to comfort me. I don’t think he could feel the loneliness I had been in.
“No, you don’t!” I abruptly pulled away and harshly wiped my face with the back of my palms then I faced him, tears still flowing down like a waterfall.
“I…I have been fighting for myself since I gained my senses that to all alone! I have always been judged at every step by my own parents. I could never be a perfect daughter to them. I…I can never become Laura because I am not her! Why don’t they understand?”
“Lauren-” He tried to hold my hand but I shifted back on the bench.
“No, don’t tell me to try harder! Don’t ask me to change! After fighting a lot of battles for myself I have build up this courage to stand for myself without lowering my head before anyone. But…but…” My body gave up strength. I supported myself by placing my elbows on my thighs and covered my face with my palm.
“But I am tired. For how long will I fight? How long will take for people to understand me? How long? I…I don’t want to come weak in front of anyone. I don’t want to be weak.”
My cries didn’t halt. I felt cold. Cold because of the chilled breeze flowing around me, cold because of being left alone by everyone. However, within the next second, I felt myself being engulfed in a warm embrace and I again surrendered. I wanted it. For the first time, I was longing to be consoled because it was the first time I shared my pain with someone… because for the first time someone was there to listen to my cries. For the first time!
“It’s okay to be upset and feel sad. It’s okay to be weak for once. Because if you do not feel weak and not think about what made you feel so then how will you emerge out stronger than before?”
He rubbed my back and I completely leaned on him by resting my head on his shoulder.
“Fighting your own battles is hard but it’s always worth it. As a result of which, you will never rely on anyone for support; you will stand for yourself no matter what. That’s what you have been doing, Lauren. And you have accomplished to survive the way you always wanted.”
He wiped my tears and soothingly brushed my hair back. “Loneliness is a curse but only partially. Loneliness either makes you weaker or it makes you the strongest of all. There is no in between.”
His words hit me hard. It’s not that I didn’t know about what he said but hearing something positive about you from someone else does miracles.
But how did he know so much about being lonely? He had always been surrounded by family and friends then how did he understand my feelings?
Wiping my tears I again pulled back and looked at him with teary eyes. “How do you understand me so much? How do you know so much about my feelings? How do you know what is to be lonely?”
He passed me a gentle and warm smile. “Maybe you have judged me way too soon?”
“Huh?” I tiled my head in confusion. “What do you mean?”
He shook his head and chuckled. “That’s the story for another time. Tonight is about you.”
I didn’t protest. He was right, feeling weak isn’t always bad for you. It helps you think deeper.
Signing, I rested my head on edge of the backrest of the bench and crossed my arms across my chest. Sean did the same. I gazed at the green leaves of the tree that were covering the park like a huge umbrella.
How marvelous is to watch the tree that has fallen and has shed its leaves millions of times yet it stood strong and powerful, living every single day, absorbing the impurities of the planet and still gleaming with happiness.
“Do you think I went overboard with my mother?” I asked after a while, gazing at a particular leaf which was about to detach from the tree because of the fast-flowing breeze.
“Maybe. Maybe not. I am not the one to judge. It’s between you and your mother. Only you two understand your relationship.” He muttered.
A light chuckle left my mouth thinking how patiently he listened to me. Had it been another person, he would have left me crying on my own.
“What happened?” He asked, rolling his head to me.
“I don’t understand why I shared all this with you.”
Now he chuckled and sat straight. “The right people are required for the right talk.”
The arrogance!
I laughed and sat straight as well. “Are you implying that you are the right person for me?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Maybe.” He shrugged while looking at me. His eyes looking for an answer on my face.
“Don’t be full of yourself, Mister.” I scoffed playfully. He laughed it off as well.
For some reason, I felt my face heating. Was I blushing for no reason? No, not for just any reason, it was because of his flirting techniques.
“Do you know how beautiful you look when you blush?”
“Only when I blush?” I scoffed again. Then suddenly I jerked thinking what I just said.
His teasing smile caused me to blink several times. “Not only when you blush. You are beautiful, Lauren. Inside out.”
“Stop flirting,” I muttered embarrassingly. Only I knew how alive I felt and how crazily my heart was beating.
He called me beautiful!
“I had no idea you were a big flirt. The way you impressed my sister in just one meeting is remarkable.” I joked. I wasn’t insecure anymore but I wanted to play with him a little.
He groaned. “Not again, Lauren! I told you I wasn’t flirting with her!”
I playfully narrowed my eyes at him. “I doubt that!”
Suddenly, I was pulled against him. Our face just inches apart.
“Kiss me and you will know who I want to flirt with.”
His eyes then flicked to my lips and he licked his lips in anticipation. My gaze too settled on his now wet lips. Desire to feel his lips against mine pushed me closer to his face. Slowly, I tilted my head and closing my eyes I pressed my lips against his but a car horn alerted me and I pushed him away.
“No, we shouldn’t be doing this.” I roamed my eyes around, looking for the car that honked but I guess it already passed the street.
“Why?” He scowled.
I gave him a pointed look. “We. Are. In. Open.”
“So?” He frowned. “Since when you care?”
“Since now!” I pointed out and stood up from the bench to walk away but a light tig on my wrist brought me on his lap, in his embrace.
“You could hug me at the least. I need it.”
I could do that and I did. He knew it wasn’t him who needed a comforting hug. It was me. He knew but didn’t say. That’s what I like about him. He understands what no one does.
There’s this feeling when you know the person understands you and will not give up on you; you feel attached.
That’s what I felt.
And that was the exact moment I knew I had fallen deep for him. I had fallen hard for him.
Or maybe that was the moment when I had fallen in love with him…