Dana was in full panic mode. It was like someone had slapped her in the face and awoken her from a nightmare. She glanced at her watch again. She only had two hours left before Kyle was home. It was enough time. Barely, but enough. She squealed to a stop in the driveway, barely noticing that the garage door was now closed. Then she dropped her keys as she tried to unlock the front door. Why was she having so much trouble with the damn door?
She flew down the hallway and into the room. She stripped the bedding and closed the door, running back down the hallway. She dropped what she was holding on the dining room table and started to remove her skirt and blouse and bra, tossing them onto the pile. Then she remembered what was missing. She ran naked back towards the hallway, searching the floor.
“Come on. Come on! Shit!”
“Looking for these?”
Dana looked up, instinctively covering her breasts and crotch.
“Kyle! I’m sorry… I… I didn’t see you… there.”
Kyle was sitting in the living room, in his favorite leather chair, a bourbon in one hand and a pair of panties in the other.
“You missed your appointment, DEAR!”
“Kyle, I wasn’t feeli…..”
“Did you fuck that kid in her room, SWEETY!?”
“It was a mista…”
“Is that his come dripping down your leg, HONEY!?”
“Oh, God. Oh, my God!”
“You win, Dana. I’m done. You’ve pushed and pushed and pushed. You win.”
Dana reached for him. This couldn’t be happening.
“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME! DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING TOUCH ME YOU STUPID BITCH!”
In all the time she’d known Kyle, he had never raised his voice to her. Not in junior high, when they had met for the first time and become friends. Not in high school, when they had dated. Not one time when she’d left him to go to college on the west coast, when he called her every week without fail. Not even when she told him that she felt like they should see other people while they were so far apart. And never once in their ten years of marriage.
“Kyle, I’m sor….”
“Just shut up, Dana. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Just get out of my house. Get out and don’t come back.”
She dressed as quickly as she could, crying all the way to her car. She was too embarrassed to call her friends. There was no way she was going to see her parents. Why she called Jake, she never understood. They didn’t know each other, he wouldn’t be able to help her in any way.
Unfortunately, he answered her call and was just too stupid to know when he should leave well enough alone.
***
When Kyle didn’t show up for their next counseling session, Dana knew what it meant. Her tearful confession to Dr. Harris that night started the long and painful process of admitting her demons and finding a way to progress towards healing.
The petition for divorce had arrived two weeks later. Kyle called her to let her know it was coming so that the process server could find her at her parent’s house and not at work.
Dana saw Jake one more time while she was out with friend’s catching a movie at the downtown mega theater. His arm was in a cast and his eyes were surrounded by massive bruises. She had never seen anyone turn and walk away from her so quickly, let alone someone who had clearly been in a recent car accident.
Kyle pled no contest to misdemeanor disturbing the peace, after several weeks of plea bargaining with the district attorney. In the real world, people who hit other people get arrested. He was no exception. Fortunately, as a first time offender, Kyle was able to enter a pre-trial diversion program that required him to continue to see a counselor. He was already seeing Dr. Harris, so it really changed nothing in his life. After six months of sessions and a year of probation, his record would be expunged.
His sentence from Manny was far more challenging. No gym time for a year and ten hours a week of community service at the youth center. Manny still came to Kyle’s house on the weekends to train him in his garage. During the first month of private sessions, Kyle was pretty sure Manny was trying to carry out a self enforced death sentence.
After ten months of haggling, Dana finally agreed to the terms of the divorce. Requesting one last face to face with Kyle before signing. That is how they found themselves in the conference room. The dark cherry bookshelves and tables and wingback leather chairs didn’t scream warm and comforting to Kyle, but he sat there anyway. It wasn’t his first choice for a place to have a conversation, but it was all he had.
For maybe the first time, they really talked about Emily’s death and how it had affected them. And they reminisced about the good memories of their little girl and her short time on earth.
“Kyle, I just want to say that I am as sorry as I have ever been in my entire life about what I put you through. You have every right to be angry with me. I have no excuses. But, I have made a lot of progress in counseling and I understand what went wrong, and I would never, ever hurt you again. And I would do anything, anything at all, if you would just give me one more chance to love you, for us to be a couple again.”
Kyle knew this was where the conversation would lead. And, honestly, he had given it a lot of thought. More than he ever thought he would. But he sat quietly for a minute, to collect his thoughts, anyway.
“You know, Dana. I believe you. I really do. And I do love you. I know that for certain. I suppose that I have always loved you, and I can’t imagine that ever really changing. The three happiest days of my life involved you. The day you came back from college and were waiting for me on my porch, the day you married me and the day you gave me Emily.”
“I loved those days, and I am happy I will always have those memories and that I share them with you. You were my first love, and the love of my life, and nothing will ever change that. Do you remember the first time we made love?”
“I would never forget that night, Kyle.”
“I know. That’s not what I meant, though. Do you remember how nervous we were? Two virgins, fumbling in the dark. God, it was pathetic!”
Dana laughed hard at that.
“I know. It’s so true.”
“And I remember when you were pregnant, and in the hospital on bed rest, and you were so sick and I was so scared. I prayed, so hard, that you would be OK. Because I knew I couldn’t live without you and I knew I couldn’t love you any more than I did. Then we took Emily home and you made me check the car seat four times and wouldn’t let me drive faster than twenty-five. And I knew I was wrong, and that I actually could love you more. And I did.”
“Those are the memories I carry with me every day and they make me smile.”
“But then I remember that Emily died and took half my heart with her. And I needed you so much. And you blamed me for her death, for a reason that I still don’t understand. Instead of finding comfort in your arms, I endured punishment after punishment from you. For an accident. For a crime I didn’t commit. And then you embarrassed me, and disrespected me, and humiliated me. And I can’t say that I will ever understand why.”
“So, no matter how much I love you, and I do, and no matter how many times I forgive you, and I have, I will always, ALWAYS hate you for that. Even if it’s only a tiny bit. Unfortunately, as sad as that makes me, I know it’s true and I think you do to.”
“Yeah, Kyle. I do.”
“In her room, Dana? Anywhere but her room.”
Dana signed the papers as she cried and left the room after giving Kyle a tender kiss on the cheek. If he had known she was going to move back to the west coast, and that he would never see her again, he might have said goodbye.
***
A year later, Kyle found himself sitting under the shade of the massive oak trees. It was his monthly visit, and today was what would have been Emily’s thirteenth birthday.
“I brought you lilies today. Mrs. Johnson, at the flower shop, told me these are her favorite flowers. Even though Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and roses seem to be everywhere you look, I thought you might like these better. You know, to be original.”
“Who you talkin’ too?”
Kyle was startled as the tiny little girl plopped down on her knees right next to him.
“Uhh, I was umm talking to my daughter.”
“Is she in heaven like my daddy?”