“No, not today David. You are not ready.”
So once again I was in Dr. Skinner’s office talking about reconciliation and forgiveness.
“Jesus Christ, Susan! Give me something to work with! Why did you do it? WHY? For the love of God, give me a reason.”
I was on the verge of breaking down. It was almost too much.
“It was too perfect, David. I couldn’t keep going.”
“What?!”
“I couldn’t keep up with the standard. I am human. I have failings. I am a woman. I have temptations.”
Dr. Skinner was silent. She was going to let this play out. It was clear to me this was well covered territory between the two of them. This was going to give me closure, and not the kind I wanted.
“Well, knowing what I know now. Knowing what it would cost I would never have done it. But at the time, I wasn’t thinking that way. I was caught up in the excitement of what I thought it would be. Not the pathetic reality, but the results can’t mitigate my intent.”
“I’ll never truly understand why or how you did it. Hell, I would have had sex with half of the women who hit on you. And I don’t play on that team. But you never did, did you? And because I was with you, men hit on me. What kind of woman must I be to keep a man like you? I had to be freakishly good in bed right? Some type of special…”
“You are special..” I could hardly speak through my tears.
“… kind of slut. At first it was cute, then it was draining… and then. Well, who knows? I just gave in.”
“My friends all thought you were too good to be true. From the very first time they met you. It just got worse over the years. ‘My piece of shit husband got a little on the side and he’s not half the man David is.’ ‘He’s rich Susan, he’s just extremely discrete. No man can stand up to that amount of pussy being thrown at him and not give in.'”
“I did it for you.”
“Oh, I know that. I knew the moment that you confronted me. You can’t fake being that devastated. I knew at that moment you really had NEVER cheated on me, never lied to me. You were angry. Very angry, and that type of pain only comes from true betrayal. Dr. Skinner has shown me that.”
“I don’t know what to say…”
“You don’t have to say anything, honey. I cheated on you. I chose to do it. I wasn’t pleased… I am not happy with the results, but it was my decision.”
Dr. Skinner spoke up for the first time. “We have to own our decisions and the consequences of our actions.”
The walls were closing in. It was getting hard to breath.
“You are not to blame, David. Not directly. It was my failing, my obsession, my lack of faith. It’s OK. You can let it go now. I’ll understand.”
I had to move.
“Susan, Dr. Skinner. I have to go. I am sorry. I can’t stay. Goodbye, Susan.”
And I walked out the door and on to my new life. Alone.
***
“That was very good, Susan. I am proud of you. I know that was difficult. But by fully accepting your responsibilities we have a foundation to build on. It will get easier next time. He is upset, but we can move forward now.”
“He won’t be back, Dr. Skinner. That was it.”
“Don’t lose hope now, Susan. We have come so far.”
“No, I didn’t lose hope. Just David. She’ll help him now. She loves him. He won’t be back. She warned me not to hurt him. She told me she would help me. And she did. But he won’t be back.”
“Who?”
“Maggie.”
***
“She’s in love with you. She always has been.”
“What in God’s name are you rambling about now?!”
“Just don’t shut me out, David. She’ll love you now. But we have the children. We will always be connected. I know I can’t have you and I won’t try to get you back. But, please, don’t shut me out. I can’t live like that. I won’t.”
***
I didn’t feel like reliving this last session. I didn’t want to talk about it. Fortunately, I didn’t have to. She just looked at me.
“OK, David. It’s over now. I’ll finish it.”
“Oh, Mags…”
She rushed to catch me and held me while I cried. And I did cry, a lot. And fuck off if you say you’ve never done it.
***
From there my life settled into kind of a morbid normalcy. There were no long drawn out court battles. Maggie had the prenuptial agreement enforced. Then we sat down with Susan and her attorney. I was generous. I wanted to give her more, but Susan wouldn’t accept it. She said as long as she could live comfortably and see the children everything else was extravagance and she didn’t deserve it. She asked that I allow her to keep up the charitable arm of the company saying it would give her something to focus on. That, and the small salary she could draw there, would keep her content.
Our marriage was over.
Susan and I still met once or twice a month. To talk mostly about nothing. Then she dropped her bombshell.
I drove home to my condo. It was more of an upscale bachelor pad. It was wasted on me. I never entertained anyone but Maggie and the children. Maggie, as always, was there when I got home.
We looked at each other for a long time. She was very concerned and took a huge breath, letting out an even bigger sigh.
“Let’s talk about it. OK?”
“Sure, Mags. Here?”
“No, let’s go to the living room.”
We walked in silence to the kitchen and grabbed drinks and snacks. We moved in harmony without speaking. She sat directly across from me in a huge armchair. She looked so small with her legs curled underneath her.
“My uncle molested me when I was six years old.”
I was shocked. That was not where I expected the discussion to start.
“It was four months of my life that changed me forever. I have never spoken about it to anyone but the prosecutor, my parents and my therapist. We tried to stay in San Francisco, in our family home. But that is where it happened most often, and I couldn’t stop the nightmares. After a year of therapy, my father got a transfer to Chicago and that is when we moved to the house across the street from you.”