“She is not really a lesbian. You know that, right?”
“What are you talking about now, Susan?”
“I am talking about Maggie, David”
“OK, Susan. I agreed to keep meeting with you because Dr. Skinner said it would be helpful but if you insist on pricking me with needles during every conversation I am going to have to stop coming to see you.”
“I know I did that before, David. I was just trying to get you to talk to me. Even arguing with you was better than sitting in silence. I am not doing that now. She’s in love with you. She always has been.”
***
“She told the truth, Doc. That is why we are getting divorced.”
Susan was panicking now. It was brutal to witness. I had been able to hold my emotions in check while I had forced myself to sit through the four weeks of therapy bull shit. But this was real. The end. It was hard to watch, even harder to participate. Susan was devastated and so was I.
“My father used to tell me, ‘Put everything out on the table, son. Even if we can’t solve the problem today, it is better that we all know we have a problem and what it is, so that we can start finding a solution. Two brains are better than one, and your mom’s brain is better than both of ours put together. So tell us all about your problem, so your mom can tell us how to fix it’.”
“It may be kind of simplistic, but the ‘Joy is multiplied, and sorrow is divided’ philosophy just seemed to work really well for Susan and me. When Susan and I first started dating we talked for hours. I suppose just like everyone in their ‘young love’ days. But as we got more serious, we talked even more. And when we realized that we were both deeply committed to each other, we kept right on talking about everything. Always, no secrets. I always loved that I could look into my wife’s eyes, ask her how her day was and know that she was truly happy with her life. I used to take great pride in knowing that I could make her that happy.”
“Clearly communication is not the problem in your relationship, Mr. Stephens. You should take that as a positive sign.”
“You would think, but my problem is she didn’t lie. I was at a convention for 7 days. I asked my wife each day ‘How was your day, Suze?’ and every day she replied, ‘Everything was OK, honey’.
Susan had tears running down her cheeks, and she had the strangest look in her eyes.
“Every. Single. Day. I could see her eyes. She was telling the truth. Even the day she fucked Jason Smith for three minutes, whichever day that was. Even on that day, everything was fine. There was no concern, no remorse. She wasn’t worried about it. She didn’t care. She fucked another man and didn’t care.”
“I can live with a lot of things, Doc. But I won’t live with a wife who decided it was ok to cheat on me. I won’t live with a woman who believes that is ok. Every man wants a wife who acts a little slutty in the bedroom, no real man wants to be married to a slut. Well maybe some do, but I don’t!”
Since I knew the end was coming, I was prepared for what I thought was the worst. Screaming, begging and crying for sure. I wasn’t prepared for catatonic. It was a bit unnerving. Dr. Skinner seemed calm but was closely monitoring Susan’s reactions. After a moment she stood, took my hand and led me to the door.
“Thank you, David. I think that will be all for now. Now, I understand why Maggie referred you and your wife to me. You shouldn’t worry about her too much. I’ll take very good care of Susan.”
“Thanks, Do…. Thank you, Dr. Skinner. I’d appreciate it if you would let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Susan is the mother of my children and will always be very important to me.”
“I will do that, David. I think you should go now.”
***
I am not really a cocky asshole. I know it may appear that way, but I am really not. From the moment I met Susan, everything I did was for us. It was easy to stay on the straight and narrow. I was working for a higher power, for Susan and her love. During the last several weeks I had been researching one topic. Why do marriages fail? I was desperately looking for an answer to a very serious question. How had I failed Susan? What had I done to push her away from me? After twenty-seven books, I knew two things. I could have written a book on how to keep your marriage alive and healthy and I was never going to find my answer. There was nothing I had done. And it saddened me.
Every suggestion in every book I had done. Communication, honesty, thoughtfulness. Placing her needs above my own, giving her space to be her own person. Flowers, notes, remembering the little things. Sharing responsibilities. Adapting to life’s changes. Faithfulness. I had done them all.
Again, I am not saying I am perfect, far from it. On my own, I am weak. It was Susan who gave me strength. I did all the little things because they made her happy, and when Susan was happy I was beyond amazing. I did everything for her, because she energized me. Naturally, this translated to our children. They were an extension of my love for Susan and deserved everything I had to offer. Some men may call all of this a great sacrifice, ‘I gave up my dreams for my family’. Not me, I thought it was easy. Susan and my family were my dream, everything and anything I gave up was returned to me tenfold.
My biggest problem was if I could find nothing that I had done wrong, I would have to change who I was to remain married to Susan. I was honest and faithful and loving and kind. I could not be a man with an open relationship… I would never be a… cuckold. Just thinking the word made me want to puke.
I desperately needed to know how I failed, so I could reconcile with my wife. Forgive myself for my failure, forgive her for hers and move on together. My current depressed lifestyle was based on the knowledge that I would never find that failure.
The other thing that bothered me was how every memory I had for our last five years together was tainted. It is amazing how things that seem so innocent when your eyes of full of love can seem so devious when you’re staring at them through a prism of hurt, anger and betrayal.
Susan and I were out a lot, dancing, parties and such. Things that had never bothered me before, were eating me up inside. The times she was maybe dancing a little too close with another man. The smiles and laughter and the touches on the arm with another. I never cared about the flirting before. It was harmless fun. But now I was wondering if my own apathy towards those things had cost me my marriage. Had I been my own worst enemy?
***
It was Maggie who damn near forced me to continue with counseling.
“You have to fight with everything you have, David. You have to try and make it work. When you have tried absolutely everything, then and only then can you give up. It has to be this way. I can nev… I mean you won’t be able to live with yourself if you don’t,” she said.
I reluctantly agreed. I stayed close by as Dr. Skinner worked with Susan to control her depression and come to terms with were our marriage stood. Susan and I visited from time to time. We kept things on a friendly level speaking about the children or family and friends. We never spoke about us. At first it seemed that Susan would say things to pick a fight with me. I know she was frustrated. Hell, I was. But my frustration manifested in short answers and silence and she didn’t like it.
The divorce proceedings continued, but were on hold for a final decree until Maggie was satisfied I had done all I could. Maggie and I would talk after every counseling session. She would listen to me complain that I was done and I wanted it to end.