She nodded, eyes glistening. “I have no reason to lie. Not now. It is what it is. It doesn’t change the fact that I cheated on you. Deceived you. I was a terrible wife. But I’m begging you to believe me, I never enjoyed it.”
“Why did you do it at all? Why anal, when you never would with me?”
“For the money. They paid extra. That was all. I was a whore. I didn’t tell myself I was. I convinced myself I was a successful business woman, doing whatever was needed to succeed. I regret that. I don’t like anal. I’ll never understand how some women do. It hurts, and I get no pleasure from it. Still, I’d give it to you now, as sorry as it would be, but I know you’d never accept it. You’re not a cheater. There was only one in our marriage. All I can do is beg your forgiveness. Please? I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m begging, Dave. Begging. Forgive me?”
The tears were running down her face, and seeing her lying there, like that, her life as much a ruin as her body, I couldn’t deny her absolution any longer.
“I forgive you, Brenda.”
She shook her head. “No. Not the words. I don’t give a fuck about the words, Dave. I need you to do it. To forgive me from your heart. Forgive this selfish, cheating lying whore for destroying our marriage, shattering your heart, and stealing your future. For not giving you the children you wanted and deserved. For ruining the best thing that would ever happen to either of us. God, I did a horrible thing, and it’s so unfair, but I… I need this. Forgive me.” She leaned forward, clinging to my arm, shaking, sobbing, tears soaking my skin.
I eased her back onto the bed, brushing her tears away. I climbed up next to her, laying beside her, and wrapped her in my arms. Her lamentation was soul rending. I didn’t think anybody could hold that much pain. I had done this to her. I wasn’t aware, but I’d punished her more than any one person should endure. I’d destroyed the one true love of my life. Not that she hadn’t given me cause, but did anyone deserve this?
“I’m sorry I hurt you, baby, and I forgive you. All of it. It’s over, Brenda. I loved you with every fiber of my being, and it hurt me more than I can say, but you are still my first true love, and I forgive you. I know you never meant to hurt me.”
She didn’t deny me. She clung to me, until the tears stopped, and the shaking disappeared. I looked into those eyes. The eyes that had won my heart all those years ago. I pressed my lips to her dry, chapped ones, and felt her welcoming response. There was no passion, but there was still love. Love and forgiveness.
I laid beside her, gazing into the windows to her soul, open, pleading. I forgave her.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“You’re welcome. I’m sorry it took so long.”
She shook her head. “No more apologies. I have one last request. It may be difficult, or it may be the easiest thing in the world. I don’t know.”
“Ask.”
“I need you to keep your promise.”
“Promise?”
“That day. That horrible day. When I looked into your eyes, and saw what I had done. You made me a promise. I need you to keep it.”
She had lost me. She took my hands in hers, and drew them upward. With dismay I felt her pull them to her neck. I pulled away, but her scrawny hands were stronger than they looked, and she jerked them back, around her neck.
“I only have a short while left. Days, maybe a couple of weeks at best. I know it’s selfish of me, but I want you to be the last thing I see. The love I had. Let me pretend for a moment, one last moment, that the last 10 years never happened. You told me you loved me, you always would. Even beyond the hurt, I saw it in your eyes, but it’s faded. I’ve lost it. Let me go, thinking you still love me a little. Like I should have all those years ago if I had the courage. When the love was still there, betrayed, but strong.
“Please, Dave. Keep your promise.”
“Shh,” I told her, raising my finger to her lips. “You know how much I love you, Brenda? I’ve always loved you. From the first time I saw you. I always will.”
My hands dropped down to her neck. My lips brushed hers.
“I’ll keep my promise. That’s how much I loved you. Still do.”
Her eyes glistened and shone, like they had once upon a time. When we were younger, foolish, in love. Before.
She didn’t fight it. I saw the corners of her mouth turn up one last time. Her eyes remained fixed on mine, even as the light within them dimmed, fading forever. Her lips moved, mouthing a final “I love you.”
“I’ll always love you,” I whispered.
I kissed her cold lips, and closed her eyelids. I removed the band from her dark hair, spreading it out. I used to love to see her like that. I pulled the sheet back and saw she was naked. I couldn’t stand for her to be found that way, and searched through her drawers. Nothing fancy to wear, but I picked out her nicest panties and bra, and dressed her. I pulled the sheet back up, tucking her in nicely for her final sleep.
I had loved her once. A raven haired beauty who’d promised me her love ’til death do us part. She kept that much of her vow. My love had faded, but enough remained to keep that one hateful promise.
It was a long drive back home. I needed my wife. My beautiful children. I hoped Jenny would still understand and not ask any questions if I once more cried myself to sleep in her arms. It had been almost three years since I had done that.
Brenda forgave me. I forgave her. I wondered how long it would be before I could forgive myself.