“NO! PLEASE DON’T!”
I woke up and turn over to recover my breath. I had a dream about the guy following me with the knife. I looked around and noticed that it was already dark. There was also a lot of rain and thunder. The sound of thunder and the brightness of thunder in the window caused me to hide my tears. Thunder and lightning clash as though they were engaged with one another.
When I turned to my side, I noticed Randall’s head resting on the edge of the bed, while he sat on the monoblock chair. Our roles were similar to that of a patient and a hospital guardian. My gaze roved over the room-it was our old room. Every time I recall that we’re not like before, my heart pierces anew.
I take my time getting up so he doesn’t wake up. I’ll go to the other room so he can get some rest. He abruptly spoke when my foot was on the floor.
“What are you going to do?” He still does not remove his head from the position of lying down. Perhaps he awoke because he felt the bed move.
“I’m going to the other room so we can rest,” I say. “It’s pouring heavily. You could get sick from the cold,” I said as I peered outside. I got up and wandered around barefoot.
“Do you know how worried I am?” The chair rang, indicating that he had stood up. I now turned my back on him and stared at the door.
I’m not sure what occurred after that. All I can think about is the package I saw. I was scared when I remembered that again. I don’t want to question him about what happened since I intend to be the one looking when the sun rises. I don’t want to rely on Randall anymore; it’s not my right, and it’s not his obligation. My heartfelt as though it had been pierced by a crystal. I had no idea that loving could be so bitter. Can you command your heart to stop loving them and then the next day, you no longer feel anything. I laughed in my head because I knew it couldn’t happen, no matter how badly I wanted it to.
“Do you know how it feels to watch you laying outdoors in a pool of blood?” He took a step in front of me. We couldn’t see each other since the light was turned off. His jaw clenched. Again, lightning acts as a source of light in these high-intensity situations. I didn’t look him in the eyes because I knew if I did, I’d forgive him even if he didn’t ask. I knew that if I looked him in the eyes, I’d be captivated by lying once more.
I didn’t say anything and pretended not to hear. Looking directly at the door indicated I was disinterested in what he was saying, but in my thoughts, I was pleading. ‘Please, don’t stare at me like that.’ ‘Please, don’t disturb my frantic heart.’ ‘Please, don’t make me feel important and loved if you’re going to leave me on the air at the end.’ I’ll be sailing alone in the cold, deep sea. I don’t want to believe you love me when your personality is riddled with secrets. I don’t want to choose you every day when you’re unsure whether your past is still the one you love.
“I don’t understand what you’re saying.” I rose and felt the chilly floor beneath my feet. I was back in bed when I passed him. He scooped me up and tossed me onto the warm mattress. I gave him a death stare.
“You’re not telling me there are people who have already frightened you with t-threats?” His voice now resonated across the room. Even though I can’t see his face, I can tell he’s angry. I noticed his fist tighten. Before speaking again, he closed his eyes firmly.
“Look, Winter. I’m not sure what’s wrong with you. You’ve changed since what happened during the occasion. I’m not sure what’s going through your head these days.” He’s calmer now, but what about me? I laughed and laughed till my heart’s bitterness was eased. It’s as if when I laugh, the agony goes gone and everything returns to normal. However, it did not appear. Tears welled up in my eyes and there appeared to be nothing left in that raging torrent of water.
“How can you know what’s going through my head if you’re too preoccupied with other ladies to pay attention to your wife? Do you know how I felt and how scared I was when I saw that box? A decapitated doll, blood, and knives may be found. I’m at a loss for words since dread appears to be coursing through my veins, but where are you?” My heart is rife with anger. This is what I’m afraid of: blaming him for things he has no control over. We were just legally married in the paper.
“Winter, that is-”
“NO! I gave you a chance to tell me the truth! But you didn’t tell me! YOU DIDN’T TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING YOU SHOWED WAS JUST A LIE! YOU DIDN’T TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING WAS JUST ARRANGED MARRIAGE! YOU SHOWED ME THAT EVERYTHING IS TRUE! ALL OF YOUR ACTIONS! YOU MAKE ME FEEL BELIEVER THAT WHAT YOU FEEL FOR ME IS GENUINE! BUT THE TRUTH IS NOT!” I was screaming because my heart and mind exploded like a volcano. I felt relieved because I was able to release the pain that I had been suffering from for several days.
When I stood up again, he had turned into a statue. Maybe it was dawning on him. I already learned everything there was to know about marriage. He hugged me from behind as I turned the doorknob. He rested his chin on my shoulder, as though he didn’t want to let go of me in his arms. This is what I say: an embrace, a kiss, and a simple explanation. I’m fine again, and my heart beats for him again. My hatred for him was buried once again.
“There’s no lie in what I showed you. It’s all true about Charlotte. It’s just because my mother wants us to get along and so does she. She wants us to be okay because we’ve been together so far.” He still hugged me while weakly explaining. It’s like a child scolded by his mother and has to explain his guilt, but I’m not satisfied with his answer because that’s not the only thing I’m afraid of. If I only had one question, we might be okay right away. But little by little I was also melting away. My anger is slowly disappearing. The unfair thing is that I’m so weak to him while I’m not sure how he feels about me.
“About the kiss.” I know Randall knows what I’m referring to because he saw me that day. There are still needles buried in my heart even it is already days since that scenario happened.
“We’re definitely not going to kiss. Charlotte did it right when you walked in. Because of what she did, I was furious with her. She also copied the clothing you planned to wear. I told her to apologize to you, and when she agreed, I forgave her for what she had done. She stated she had already sent you a message.” He still hugged me behind my back. I recall receiving a text message from an unknown number, but it had nothing to do with the apology he was talking about.
“I didn’t get any messages except an unknown phone number that delivered a photo of you and Charlotte conversing.” He turned to face my body after I said that. His eyes were filled with skepticism. Well, I can’t blame him for what Charlotte did, and it cleared a few things in my mind.
“What?”
I nodded and showed I was sure. He looked deeper at me and sighed. It was as if he was surrendering and started believing me. I removed his hand from me again and was ready to go out the door again. Even though he explained, I can’t say that I trust him. There are many secrets I know he still has. I will learn them little by little, slowly until I know them all.
“Where are you going?” Now his hand is wrapped around my waist. It went up and down as if there was an intention to do something. Apparently, because of the cold of the night, I felt heat in my body. I felt the heat of his breath behind my ear. My hair stood on end because of that. I couldn’t answer because my knees were weakening, and I felt when I opened my mouth, only a moan would come out of it.
“You’re not going anywhere.”
That was the last thing he said before lifting me, losing his mind, and becoming totally engulfed in body heat.