He frowns harder.
“When was the last time that you asked them about something personal? Willow played golf last week and she was really, really good, but you didn’t even discuss it with her. Why? Why are you like this?”
“Because I don’t have the pleasure of being the fun parent. I have to be the disciplinarian.”
My face creases. “They are good kids. They don’t need a disciplinarian. They need a father to show them how to love.”
He drops his head and then his eyes flash up to me angrily. “This is none of your business. I will not discuss my children with you.”
“You wanted to talk. This is me talking.” I fold my arms over my chest. “While we are at it, why are there no photos of their mother anywhere in this house?” I add.
His eyes flare with anger. “Don’t go there.”
“No. I want to know. Why is there no evidence that she ever existed? Her kids deserve to remember her. They are a part of her but they’re being brought up as if she never existed.”
“Fucking get out!” he roars.
“You’re in my room. You get out!” I scream.
His eyes hold mine, and I can see that the comment about his wife hurt him. Regret fills me. “Julian, childhood is supposed to be filled with mess and love and laughter.” We stand in silence for a moment. “I just don’t want you to look back one day and wonder why you’re not close with your children.”
“I love my children. More than anything, I love my children,” he replies sadly.
“I know you do.”
“Well, what are you saying then?”
“I’m saying that you need to learn to give yourself to them.”
“I do. I give them my all!” he cries.
“You give them stability. They need compassion and understanding. They need you to be their friend, too.”
His eyes narrow and fall to my underwear on the bed. “And what about last night? I was just trying to protect you from gossip.”
“I don’t need protecting. Like your children, I want compassion and understanding.”
He shakes his head, pausing for a moment. “Before we went out… when we were here…” His voice trails off.
“When we were here, what?”
His eyes rise to meet mine. “You threw me.”
I frown. “Threw you?”
He runs both of his hands through his hair in frustration. “I don’t know. You just did.” His eyes rise to meet mine. “I was genuinely excited to be going out with you…”
“What’s wrong with that?”
He shrugs. “I don’t do normal relationships, Bree. I have no fucking idea what’s going on between us.” He throws his hands in the air. “I’m fucking confused, okay?”
“Julian,” I sigh.
He grabs my hand. “Don’t go out tonight. Stay here with me.”
I exhale heavily and he puts his arms around me to pull me close. “I just…” He hesitates. “I just.” He stops himself talking again.
I pull out of his arms. “Julian, I get that you don’t want a relationship. I get that we have no future. But I will never understand the way you made me feel last night. I would never treat a friend like that.”
His face falls.
“You need to get your shit together. I can’t be in a friends with benefits set up if there isn’t even a friendship.”
“Bree.” He goes to grab me again, but I pull away from him. “Don’t Bree me.”
His eyes search mine. “Are you really going out with someone else tonight?”
“Yes.”
His jaw clenches in anger. “Consider us done if you do.”
I smirk and shake my head in disbelief. “You ended us last night, Jules. Don’t put this back on me.”
He drops his head and stares at the floor.
“Can you get out, please?” I ask. “I want to get ready.”
He turns and walks out, and I watch the door close behind him.
Regret curls deep in my stomach
That feels unexpectedly final.
Julian
I sit at the table and rub my fingers over my forehead, back and forth.
Stop her from going out. Go in there and apologize.
I’m hot, I feel sick.
Make her stay.
I close my eyes and blow out a heavy breath, swallowing the lump in my throat. An unfamiliar feeling of regret swirls in my chest.
If she wants to go out with someone else, that’s her business. I don’t do monogamy. So what’s with this sick fucking feeling I get from even thinking about her going out with another man?
Stop it.
I get up to pour myself a scotch, and then I sit back at the table and take a sip. Maybe she won’t go.
Her words run through my mind on repeat. “I don’t need protecting. Like your children, I want compassion and understanding.”
I give my children compassion. I give up my whole fucking life for my children. Who is she to throw the blame on me when she knows nothing about our situation?
I take a large gulp of my scotch when she walks out with her overnight bag in her arms.
Tell her not to go.
I press my lips together so that I don’t beg her out loud. I sip my scotch again with my leg bouncing underneath the table.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, you’re drinking scotch at 10:30 a. m.” She stands and watches me for a moment. “I didn’t mean it to sound like I think you’re a bad father.” She hesitates. “That’s not how I meant it.”
“That’s how it sounded.”
She takes a seat at the table opposite me. “Julian.”
I stare at my glass on the table.
“Will you look at me?”
I drag my eyes up to hers.
“I know you don’t want a relationship.”
I clench my jaw.
“I don’t know how you think this is going to go between us, but you upset me last night. You really hurt my feelings and it surprised me because I wasn’t expecting it. I was completely blown over, both by how you treated me, and how it felt.”
My stomach twists.
“And it’s not a good sign for me to feel hurt by you when we aren’t even in a relationship.”
Her eyes hold mine. “You told me to protect myself from you.”
I sip my scotch, an intelligent reply escaping me.
“This is me doing that.”
“By going out with someone else?” I reply.
Her eyes hold mine. “I just want a friend I can rely on.”
“You can rely on me.”
“No, I can’t. You showed me that last night.”
“Last night was an exception.”
“Last night was our first date, for Christ’s sake.”
I clench my lips together so I don’t say anything to embarrass myself further. I’m not begging. I get a vision of her kissing someone else and I feel my temperature rise. I rub my hand through my stubble in frustration. Stop it! You don’t do monogamy.
What is this stupid fucking feeling?
Is this jealousy?
I bounce my leg under the table as I try to get a hold of my emotions.
Her eyes hold mine. “These barriers you put up.” I frown, not understanding.
“Why do you do it?”
I screw up my face. “You don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“What are you protecting yourself from, Julian.”
I stand abruptly. “I’m not sitting here and listening to this psychobabble bullshit.” I shake my head in frustration. “I don’t need protecting. I’m happy having friends with benefits. Don’t twist this to be what you think I should want.”
“Are you?” She watches me intently. “Because you looked pretty pissed off when you thought I was going out with someone else tonight.”
“Because you are fucking dismissing me!” I yell. “I do not get dismissed. Nobody dismisses me!” I turn my back to her as my breath quivers. It’s been a long time since somebody got to me enough for me to lose my temper. I exhale heavily as I try to control my anger.
Walk away. Walk out of the room right now.
“Let me in and we can try again.”
I turn toward her. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You shut down on me. The other night, when we were in each other’s arms, we had this small window of intimacy and you immediately shut it down.”
“I did not.”
“Yes, you did, and the more I think about it, the more I think this is a behavior pattern for you. You don’t bring up certain topics with the children because you don’t want to give them the opportunity to ask hard questions.”
I turn toward her, our eyes locked.
“You protect yourself from them, too, Julian, whether you’re aware of it or not.”
My stomach drops at her insinuation. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it? Can you at least think about it after I leave?”
I stare at her, and I have to say it because it’s eating me alive. “I don’t want you to be with anybody else.”
“What are you saying?”
I frown, knowing I need to say more, but I can’t make the words leave my mouth.
Her eyes search mine. “Do you really think I’m going to go out with another man when you hurting me is all I can think about?”
My face falls. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Bree.”
“Yet you did it anyway.”