I take the elevator, and with my heart beating hard in my chest, I walk out of my building. Samuel is waiting near the doors, and he smiles when he sees me.
“You look beautiful.”
“Thanks.” Oh crap, please don’t be nice.
He takes my hand. “Let’s go.”
Nathan
I sit at my desk and stare at my computer. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt like this before. I’m so wound up about everything, my head feels like it’s about to explode.
A voice comes through the intercom. “Dr. Mercer, have you finished dictating for me?”
“No, Maria. I haven’t.”
“If you want me to finish the reports today, sir, I really need to get on it. I’m running out of time and feeling pressured.”
“I am well aware, Maria,” I bark. “Stop micromanaging me.” I push the button with force. Fuck…they piss me off out there.
Knock, knock, sounds at the door. I roll my eyes. “Yes!” I call.
The door opens, and Maria stands before me with her calender in her hand. She smiles. “Can we go through your schedule, Doctor?”
“Not now, Maria.”
“But-”
“Not. Now,” I cut her off. I go back to my computer, and from the corner of my eye, I notice she hasn’t left. I glance up to see her standing there watching me. “What is it?” I snap.
“Is everything all right, sir?” she asks timidly.
“Of course, it is.” I bang the buttons on my keyboard. I feel her still standing there, and I look up once more. “For God’s sake, what, Maria?” I snap.
“You’ve just been very…”
“What?”
“Very testy, and I know how much pressure you are under and I wonder… ”
I glare at her and raise my eyebrow as I wait for her elaboration.
“I wonder if maybe you shouldn’t go this week.”
“Go where?”
“That there, that proves my point, Dr. Mercer. You never forget anything. You’re booked out for the week to attend a conference here in San Fran. But I don’t think you should go. Take the rest of the week off instead. You’re not speaking. There is nothing imperative you can’t miss.”
What the hell? I had something on this week and had no idea. What the fuck is happening to me?
“I’m fine, Maria.” I sigh.
“No. I’m sorry, sir, this time I’m making an executive decision. I’m cancelling for you. Take the six days off and unwind. You don’t get the opportunity to do this, ever. Do it while you can.”
Six whole days.
I put my head into my hand. “God, I could do with some time off,” I murmur.
“I know you could.”
My eyes rise to meet hers. “Thank you, Maria.”
She smiles. “There’s a motive to my madness, you know? Maybe you won’t be such an ogre on your return.”
I chuckle. “I doubt that.”
“Me, too.” She laughs. “But miracles do happen. We all live in hope.”
She turns to leave.
“Maria?” I call.
“Yes.” She turns back.
“Thank you for putting up with me. You’re a saint. I hope you know how appreciated you are.”
She smiles broadly and then winks. “Enjoy your time off, Nathan.”
I nod. “I will.” She leaves and I turn back to my computer.
Six days to sort my life out.
* * *
“Nathan Mercer!” Elliot calls me into his room.
“Hello.” I nod as I walk past him and fall into his leather chair.
This is my third visit in ten days.
Elliot smiles warmly. He’s a calming force. I feel better just by being here, knowing that I have someone to talk to about this.
“How are you, Nathan?”
“I’m okay.”
“Really? Are you?”
I nod.
He sits back and crosses his legs as he assesses me. “If that were so, why did you need an emergency appointment today?”
I exhale heavily, my cover well and truly blown. “Eliza went on a date last night.”
“I see. And how did that make you feel?”
“Like I wanted to kill him.”
“What happened?”
“I followed them.”
He frowns.
“I watched him pick her up, and then…” I pause.
“And then?”
“I left, and I went and saw Stephanie.” I swallow the lump in my throat.
“How did that go?”
“I don’t know. I drove to her house and sat out the front in the car. Eliza was all I could think about, so I didn’t go in. I left and went back to wait out the front of Eliza’s apartment so I knew she got home safe.”
He frowns. “What happened?”
I stare into space as I get a vision of her with him in the car. “He tried to kiss her and she turned her head. She didn’t want to kiss him.”
“That’s good then?”
My eyes meet his. “I don’t know, is it?”
“Did they see you?”
“No. I was standing in the alleyway across the road.”
He stays silent.
“She knows,” I say. “That I’m curious. She found the porn I’ve been watching.”
“What was her reaction?”
“She was angry that I’ve been lying to her.”
“Did you tell her why?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because if she doesn’t feel the same… I’ll lose her.” I run my hands through my hair in despair. “I’m not risking it.”
“Nathan, you do realize that if you do nothing, you will lose Eliza, anyway, don’t you?”
My eyes meet his. “What do you mean?”
“It’s inevitable. She will meet someone, and he will be in her bed every night and he will become her confidant. She will learn to depend on him and him alone.”
I frown.
“You told me that you don’t want to ruin the friendship between the two of you.”
“I don’t,” I reply.
“How long do you think Eliza will want to be best friends with someone and share a bed with him when he is keeping secrets from her? You are already putting a wedge between yourself and her by being dishonest. Whether you realize it or not, Nathan, you are already actively pushing Eliza away.”
I’ve never thought of it like that before.
“So, what you need to decide is whether you can live with yourself in years to come, watching her being happy with someone else, having someone else’s children, and knowing that you wanted her and yet you never let her know.”
“You don’t understand.” I drop my head. “It’s not that black and white.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No.”
“You said she is angry with you for lying.”
“She is.”
“So be honest. Tell her the truth.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose as I imagine how that conversation would go.
What if she doesn’t want me?
“You can’t cover a lie with a lie, Nathan.”
“I know.”
We sit in silence for a while as I try to process my thoughts.
“What are you going to do?”
“There’s no way to know what to do unless I know for certain. I can’t risk opening up to Eliza and then having sex and not enjoying the physical act of it.”
Although I can’t imagine that happening with her… but it might. I have no idea what to do with a female body, and I have to face the reality of that.
My eyes meet Elliot’s, and for the first time in weeks, I know what I have to do. “I’m going to find out for sure.”