Is he going to kiss me?
We stare at each other in the airport bar, surrounded by people, and I have no idea what’s going on here.
Time stands still, and I lean closer.
“Do you want another one?” the bartender interrupts. We jump back from each other. My heart is racing, and I frown, totally dishevelled. I pick up my glass and drain it. “Yes, please.”
Nathan picks up his drink and drains his scotch. We sit in silence for a while as we stare straight ahead. I’m rattled.
He’s rattled.
I think we just had a moment.
Maybe, I imagined it.
We couldn’t have had a moment-that’s impossible.
I’m not the right sex for Nathan.
I go over the last few days in my head and if Nathan wasn’t the way he is, I would swear something is happening between us. The jealousy, the touching, the longing stares and the fights.
The bartender puts my drink in front of me, and I pick it up and take a huge gulp.
I look over at Nathan and fake a smile. Sadness creeps into my heart.
The sooner I start dating someone else, the better. I think I’m falling for my best friend.
And this can only end badly. A sense of dread fills me because I know that we could never be like that. No matter how much we care for each other, it just can’t be.
My best friend’s love is completely unobtainable.
Nathan stares down at his fingers on the bar, his face solemn, and I think he knows it, too.
* * *
The car pulls up out the front of the grand house. We are in Vermont at Nathan’s parents’ farm. We flew into New York and got onto a connecting flight. Now, it’s the middle of the night.
Nathan and I have been quiet, both lost in our own thoughts.
On the plane, I rested on his shoulder while he read his book but my eyes weren’t closed and I could see that he didn’t turn the page for the entire six hours.
What was he thinking about?
Maybe that’s why he was so upset that we crossed the line. Maybe he could sense something that I haven’t up until today.
Nathan gets our things out of the trunk of the rental car, and the front door of the house opens. His mom and dad come out to greet us.
“Eliza.” Phyllis smiles as she wraps me in her arms. “Oh, it’s so good to have you both home.”
“My turn, woman.” Neil laughs as he swats her away. Nathan’s father wraps me in his arms. “How’s my favorite girl?”
I giggle as he squeezes the life out of me.
“I’m right here, you know?” Nathan says dryly, holding out his hands.
“Oh, darling, so you are.” Phyllis laughs. “Come here.”
He hugs her with a big smile, and then he shakes his dad’s hand.
“Come in, come in.” Neil ushers us inside.
“Why are you two up so late?” Nathan asks.
“We were in bed but set the alarm,” Phyllis says.
Nathan rolls his eyes. “We can let ourselves in, Mom.”
“I know, darling. I just wanted to make sure you got in safe. I’ll let you get to bed now; you must be both exhausted.”
“We are, thank you.” He kisses his mom and shakes his dad’s hand again. “Good to be home. We’ll see you in the morning.”
“Bright and early for a walk, Lize?” his dad asks me.
“You got it. I brought my runners.”
I follow Nathan up the stairs and into our room. It’s gorgeous here-a huge property. It’s a beautiful house with rolling green hills all around. We always stay in the same room in the guest wing. It’s separate from the rest of the house. It has its own bathroom and a huge king bed with all the trimmings.
Nathan puts the suitcases down and rubs his hands over his thighs. His eyes rise to mine. He seems nervous.
“I’m going to go downstairs and make a cup of tea,” I say. “Do you want anything?”
“No, thank you. I’ll take a shower, I’m beat.”
I go downstairs and make my tea. The rest of the family have gone to bed so I sit at the kitchen island counter for a while. I’m grappling with everything. My head is spinning.
Confusion.
Why am I feeling like this about him?
Why now, after all this time, does it feel different between us?
Did we have a moment at the airport?
I drop my head into my hands. I’m just so confused.
Fifteen minutes later, I go back up to bed to find the room in darkness, lit only by the lamps. Nathan is shirtless in bed. I can see every muscle in his torso and shoulders.
His big blue eyes meet mine across the room, and my stomach flutters.
What the fuck is going on?
“I’m going to take a shower.” I fake a smile.
With a racing heart, I put my hair up in a top bun and get under the water. I have it so hot that it tingles my skin.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I shower and brush my teeth, and I put on the pretty pink nightdress that Nathan’s parents bought me for Christmas before I walk out.
Nathan’s eyes lift from his book, and he watches me get into bed.
I wonder has he turned the page yet?
I get in and pull the blankets up. Nathan rolls onto his side toward me and leans up onto his elbow.
We stare at each other, and something hangs in the air between us.
Longing…
I’m longing for him to touch me again, and I want to stand up and take off my nightdress.
I want him to see me. I want him to want me.
Where the fuck is this coming from?
Nathan’s dark eyes drink me in. His stare is hungry, wanting, and eventually he whispers, “Have you ever wanted something so badly that you can taste it?”
Goosebumps scatter up the back of my neck.
“Like you might just fucking die, if you don’t get it,” he breathes.
My heart begins to race.
What’s he talking about?
I stay silent.
He cups my face in his hand and stares down at me. His thumb dusts over my bottom lip for the second time tonight, and my heart feels like it stops.
“Say something,” he whispers.
My eyes search his, but I have no words. I have to be reading this wrong.
He doesn’t like women.
“What do you want me to say?” I whisper.
He stares at me for a moment, and then his brow furrows. Without another word, he flops back onto his pillow and exhales heavily. “Don’t worry about it.”
We stay silent for a few minutes until, eventually, he rolls over and turns his back to me.
I watch him, unsure what to say. You could cut the air between us with a knife. It’s thick with tension, filled with angst.
“Goodnight, Eliza.” He sighs.
I close my eyes in regret. I don’t know what he wanted me to say, but I obviously didn’t get it right.
“Goodnight, Nathan.”