(Renata Valentini)
I can’t stop crying, it’s been a day since I found out that I am pregnant by the man who abandoned me and who is also most likely already married to another woman.
It took me a week to accept that I was really abandoned. For seven long days, I called every five minutes, stopping only when the female voice on the line said that the number dialed did not exist. This was like a bucket of cold water in my head that insisted that he would come back, that he would explain himself and that we would continue together.
At work, Sophie disappeared the day after the discussion in the boardroom. I asked Lucas, and he replied that she went back to her country with her husband. At lunchtime, without wanting to, I overheard some girls gossiping that the current president (Lucas) was having an affair with Sophie and that this was why he was so angry, because his mistress had left. I was shocked, I would never have imagined that a woman as gentle as she was would be capable of betraying her husband.
“Shit…” I mumble and pull the basin under the bed, I am vomiting all night, my throat can’t take it anymore. I lie back on the bed and once again the image of Filippo smiling comes to my mind, I wonder what he would think if he knew I got pregnant? I know he said we would never have children, but… I didn’t have sex alone, and after being abandoned, I have no doubt he would tell me to abort the child.
I have never been a social networker, but I spent two weeks trying to find Filippo or any of his brothers, but I found nothing, I started following profiles of famous people and news articles in the hope of finding some trace of him, but I found nothing, it was as if he had simply vanished from the map.
I planned to leave this house as soon as I received my salary, but Amanda advised me to wait and save money so I could buy furniture and food, but then, to my surprise, I got pregnant and decided to stay in the house, as soon as this child is born I will pass the house on to her name, this will be her father’s inheritance.
After vomiting three more times, I finally managed to fall asleep.
> Next day, motherhood:
“Rê, now it’s your turn.” I hear Amanda calling me. I take a deep breath. I always wanted children, but I always imagined having them after I was married. I imagined my first appointment would be with my husband by my side, holding my hand while smiling at me.
“Will you go in with me?” I ask, I don’t know why, but I’m afraid to go in there alone. I know that from early on I had to turn around, but I feel safer with my best friend.
“Sure, let’s go.” She answers, smiling.
Amanda’s joy with my pregnancy is incredible, as soon as she found out about the test result she started thinking about several names, some of them were really cute, the one I liked the most was: Heloysie, in case it’s a girl and Aloísio, in case it’s a boy. I didn’t like the masculine one very much, but of the ones she suggested, this was the cutest, and it means: glorious warrior.
“Good Morning!” The doctor greets us as she enters the room.
***
Until it was calm, I liked doctor Manuela very much. She was kind and friendly. I found out that I am six weeks, almost in the seventh week, my little bean is healthy, next week I will be able to hear his little heartbeat, I confess that I am anxious.
“Let’s call a cab.” Amanda says and we start walking, but as we pass in front of a snack bar, the smell of a greasy hamburger makes me salivate.
“I feel like eating, come on.” I take Amanda’s arm and pull her into the cafeteria, which also has an ice cream parlor.
“I want an X-burger with ten slices of cheese!” I ask the attendant excitedly, she looks at me strangely.
“She’s pregnant, a young lady.” Amanda explains next to me.
“Ah, yes, congratulations, ma’am.” The woman speaks with a smile.
“Thank you.” Answer.
“Just a second, I’ll prepare your order.”
It doesn’t take long before the attendant delivers the order, out of nowhere I feel like putting strawberries and chocolate syrup on the burger. I go to the ice cream and açaí area, open my snack and fill it up a bit more.
“She’s pregnant, don’t notice!” Amanda speaks loudly and takes the syrup from my hand. “Come sit down.”
We sit at one of the tables and as soon as I take the first bite, I feel like I’ve gone to heaven, I close my eyes and take the second bite, it’s even better than the first.
“Are you really not going to eat anything? I’ll pay.” I speak with my mouth full, right now I don’t care about the label.
“No hunger, maybe next time, you’re eating like a child, you’re getting all wet.”
“It’s just so tasty!” My speech almost comes out as a groan, it’s divided into this snack.
As soon as I swallow the last piece of the snack, I feel my stomach turn, but without me being able to hold it back, I throw up all over my plate. Shit!
***
“I need to go home now, are you going to be okay?”
“Yes I will, bye, my friend!” I say goodbye and close the door of the cab that will take her home.
I ran into the house, I was completely covered in vomit, not only did I vomit in the cafeteria, but I also vomited as soon as I left, soaking Amanda’s clothes, I ended up soaking myself as well.
I go into my room and take my clothes off halfway through, this smell is making me even more nauseous, I rush into the bathroom stall and turn on the shower.
“You better grow up soon, little bean.” I talk to my belly as I soap it. “You embarrassed me and Aunt Amanda.”
I smile, there really is a life growing here inside me, I’m scared, and sad, my son won’t have a father and is probably a bastard, I wanted so much to be sharing with Filippo every moment of this gradualness… but I don’t even know if he would accept it. Maybe it’s better this way.