“Dear dad, thank you for everything. For loving mom so much and not leaving her even during her crisis of miscarriages. You’re indeed the best dad in the world. I hope you don’t miss me too much. I promise to be around here watching over you and granny even though you won’t see me. Tell granny that I love her and that I’ll visit her too. Tell her that I’ll be joining Uncle Cornell in heaven. And mom. I’ve even started imagining myself sitting and talking with him but I guess the dead don’t talk to one another, do they? Tell Ivy and Alicia (if they ever ask after me) that I will miss them and that I still love them. I’m so happy because I can see peace before me. Soon. No more scary nights, no more weary days, no more asthma, no more bullies, no more tears for I am going to rest like Uncle Cornell and maybe I’ll meet mom too?”
Baron found that note in his daughter’s drawer two weeks after her suspension ended. She had been cheerful and he had been wondering what got into her even though her mother was still nowhere to be found. So he ransacked her things for a clue when she was at school, and that was when he found that note. It was 2. 35pm. He sighed. Tears filled his eyes and he let them pour on his well-starched shirt. He didn’t know his daughter was feeling suicidal because she didn’t show it. Not once. So this was the peace she was talking about-dying. That will never happen, not when Baron was alive. The last three-four weeks of his life had been the most tedious ever. Like other families of the victims, he had been visiting and having several church meetings, praying and believing God for a miracle. He had been affected by his wife’s absence and even more affected by his daughter’s reactions to it. It was heartbreaking seeing his only daughter and child write a suicide note to him. He looked out the window and let his mind wander away from his surroundings. “God, why is this happening to us? You don’t like to see that little girl crying her heart out, do you? You wouldn’t like to see us miserable, would you? Dawn has gone through too much to die young. God, she deserves to live the rest of her life, without pain. With me and her daughter. Please Lord, bring her back. For the sake of this child that you blessed us with. I can’t do this anymore, I need you” he prayed in his heart. Some sense of peace settled into his mind and he wiped his tears. He made up his mind that he would not be going to the ranch (alone)for the whole of that week. He would engage his daughter in deep conversations and prayer, and even when they were not praying or talking, they would be together, holding each other’s hands. That alone was enough to let Juana’s mind stop considering suicide, he thought. He looked outside his daughter’s window. The street was quiet and only few people were on the pedestrian walk. Just then, an ice cream van passed by. It was huge and old but beautiful. It had huge pictures of icecream cones of various flavours plastered on its body. And when Baron looked closely, he saw the words. He thought his eyes were playing some trick on him because he had never seen those words on the van, not in the eleven months that it had been passing that route every morning.
“THIS TOO SHALL PASS” He repeated those words until it sank. He went outside when he saw the van stop at a house near his, and bought two cones- one vanilla, one chocolate. He was going to spend the rest of the day with his daughter. He had been foolish for letting her spend several nights alone in the house while he was distracting himself with some work at the ranch. Running is not the solution, he finally agreed with his friend’s words. Yes, he had been running from his daughter, from everything even his ranch because even while he was there, he never did focus on the work. His mind was running and so were his feet. Now, he would face it. Face reality, face his fears and confront them. That was the best thing to do, he thought to himself.
“This too shall pass” he muttered under his breath.
Less than an hour later, he went to welcome her first. He let her school bus zoom off before going to meet her.
“Sweetheart” He called. She had a smile on her face as it had been since seven days now, and it made Baron cringe because he knew the reason for that smile. He remembered when she told him that she would not be returning to school even after her suspension ends, until her mom returns or she hears any news about her. But then on the morning her suspension ended, she woke up on her own and dressed for school. She even made breakfast for both of them. It baffled Baron rather than pleased him.
“Dad” she embraced him and Baron had to stop thinking so much. ‘Focus. Face reality now’ he told himself.
“How was school today?” He had to smile because her smile was infectious.
“Nice. No bullying today” she said.
“Why are you home early today?” She asked
“Surprise” he said and pulled her towards the entrance. Her face lit up in eagerness.
He let her change into her house wear and brush her teeth before handing her her chocolate-flavored ice cream
“Mr Johanson’s ice cream!” She screamed with delight.
“Yes he passed by this afternoon. It’s rare seeing him pass here in the afternoon”
“Thank you dad for this. How did you know I was thirsty?” She laughed and Baron watched her with excitement. She was such a sweet child. They both sat in silence as they licked their cones.
“Daddy, today in class, we wrote a quick test” she broke the silence.
“What was it about?”
“Arithmetic”
“Did you do it well?” Baron asked studying his daughter’s pretty face.
“I got nine questions right out of ten. It’s weird” she opened her drawer and began to search for something. Baron guessed it was the suicide note. He was thinking of a way to start a conversation about it.
“Why’s it weird?”
“Because I’m a genius. But I still couldn’t get number six right no matter how hard I tried. Do you know why?” She said still searching under her books for something.
“Maybe it skipped your mind? It’s normal. Doesn’t mean you ain’t still a genius. So what did Aunty Amanda say about it?” Baron asked but she didn’t answer. She had a scowl on her face now; she couldn’t find what she was looking for.
“What are you looking for?” He asked carefully. Just then she found the paper- the suicide note, and smiled. Baron watched her expression.
“Aunty Amanda asked the whole class to clap for me, and you know what? They all did, without scoffing or mocking me. Some of them even shook my hands, they didn’t have the envious looks on their faces. I was happy”
Then she squeezed the paper, tore it into one hundred pieces and dumped them in the trash can.
“That’s great. I’m happy to hear that” he said. By now their ice creams were gone. So Baron cleared his throat to start a real conversation.
“Me too”
“Juana, I want to ask some questions. Promise me you’ll only answer them and not ask me why I asked”
“Promise” she said and held her chin in her hands.
“Why are you so happy?” He said carefully shifting his chair closer to hers. “Like I’m not saying I hate it or anything. I’m just impressed and curious”
“Dad, I am not sure why. But let me tell you this. I saw good things in my dream last week. I can tell that mom will be back”
“Oh really?” Baron was amazed
“I don’t know. I didn’t see anything about her. I’m just hopeful. Aunt Ann helped me a lot. Told me that I need to be positive and optimistic. She’s my friend now”
“Wow”
“Yes”
“Okay. Where did you hear about your mother’s miscarriages?”
Juana looked shocked.
“How did you know that I know?” She asked, still looking shocked.
“I’m sorry but I read some of your writings while you were at school” he admitted
“Why would you do such thing? Whatever happened to privacy? Why don’t you just ask me anything face-to-face dad? By the way, how did you get a spare key?” Juana stood up. She was not pleased.
“I’m sorry. Please be calm sweetheart”
She sat down and sighed “please don’t do it again. I don’t like it” she said looking outside
“Okay. Promise”
“Did you see the suicide note too, the one I tore just now?” She asked still looking outside.
“I did and I want to talk about it”
“Why?”
“Because I care about you. I want you to tell me that you didn’t mean all of it” he said. He carefully chose his words.
“I don’t”
“I was just depressed. I told Aunt Ann about it. I was going to tell you but you’re not always around” she said truthfully
“Oh dear I’m so sorry. I’ll be available all the time now I promise. Please don’t ever think of doing that”
“I hope not”
After the conversation, Baron took her to the ranch. For the first time in four weeks, he was able to focus on his work. He let his daughter ride one of the horses and asked one of his ranch hands to monitor her while he worked on other animals. She carried her bag which had her inhalers in it in case she got an attack. Baron watched her from a distance. It was obvious she was trying to be fine without her mom.
Forty five minutes later, he looked up from the stable he was working on but Juana was not anywhere around. Colin, the ranch hand that was meant to monitor her was not there either.
He went to the back of the ranch and opened the back door that led outside. There he saw both of them sitting on the fine grass. The horse was feeding nearby. He sighed and smiled at the same time. They were having a discussion and he listened intently. But they were hardly above whispers. He was surprised about everything. He was even more surprised when his daughter came up to him to tell him that she and Colin were going into the woods to fetch some hay
“No we have enough in the store. Even if we need more, Colin can go fetch some on his own. You’re not going with him”
“Why dad?”
“It’s my decision” he said.
“But I want to go with him”
“You’re here to relax not work” he said matter-of-factly.
“Please dad. It’s not stressful” she pleaded.
“No. Stay here with me” so Juana kept quiet and watched her father clean the horses. After a while, she said
“Dad, the thing is Colin said he wants to show me something in the woods and I am curious” she admitted
“What’s this all about? I thought you were avoiding him at a time?” Baron asked
“Nothing. He’s cool I guess, harmless” she added.
“But you said he was dangerous. You did say funny guys are dangerous, didn’t you?”
“I don’t think he is. He’s only 19 and very smart. I’ve studied him” Juana said and Baron began to wonder what was going on with his daughter. First she was depressed about her mom’s disappearance for a long time. Now she’s more cheerful than ever. Second she avoided Colin like a plague and said he was dangerous and now she wants to follow him somewhere.
“I don’t understand you anymore” Baron said into the air but Juana was quiet.