EPILOGUE
Sophie Esinberg’s POV
I cried myself to sleep. Again. This has become a habit of mine. I hardly go out of my room. It’s been two weeks now, two weeks since the mask behind the man I loved the most was revealed.
It hurts.
It hurts so much, I can’t explain it. Everyday they tell me to start over. Everyday they tell me to forget him. But I can’t. Forgetting him is like forgetting myself.
It hurts
What hurts more is that he never contacted me after that. After he got to know that his reality was revealed, he didn’t even say a ‘sorry’. He never tried to contact. He didn’t pick up my calls neither did he replied to any of my messages.
It hurts
He used me. Just the thought of this make tears weld up in my eyes. I didn’t have a chance to face him. It’s been two weeks now since I went to school. Two weeks. So much have changed in two weeks. There are rumors that Ellen and Ray are finally back and whole school adores them. Claire keeps telling me about what is going on in school. She keeps blabbering about random stuff in school to keep me distracted. Although it never worked.
My mind is always occupied by the storm. The storm that rushed into my life and messed up everything. Messed up me.
I always thought that I was way too lucky to have a boyfriend like Raymond. I use to wonder why he chose me. Why he fell in love with me? Why me?
Every time something odd happened I ignored it. I ignored it because he asked me to have faith in him. I was so stupid to think that I will be that nerd who changes the bad boy. Typical cliche.
I lived in my fantasy. Being with Raymond was like being on cloud nine. I don’t know who is responsible for this. Me or him? I don’t know. I was so engrossed in my happy bubble that I didn’t hear when reality knocked on my door. I was blinded by the happiness, by the love I found with him. By the attention he gave me. But it was all fake.
Funny isn’t it?
Either Raymond is a good thespian or I am very bad at decipherment of people’s actions. Whatever we had felt real to me. There is still a hope inside me that all of it was real. The love we had was real. It wasn’t just infatuation or physical attraction. It is something more than that.
For me it was something I can’t describe in words. It was something beyond words. It was beautiful. It had happiness and gloominess at the same time. The warmth his skin radiated, the safety and comfort his presence offered me, everything we had.
The worst part is I cannot hate him. Even though I try I can’t. I love him too much. I know I’m half a heart without him.
Though I try to get him out of my head, I got lost without him. There is an unusual emptiness in my life. Daniel and Claire are there by my side the whole time but something still feels missing.
I know who is it and I’m afraid I have developed a habit of living with him. They say habits don’t go easily but mine just vanished out of my life and now I can’t live without him.
I try to keep myself together. For Mom. For Lavy. I have to. I cannot let them see me this miserable, lost. I try to put up a fake smile whenever mom brings up my lunch or dinner. A facade to hide behind, that’s all I’m left with.
But the nights are full of sorrow and despair. I cry my heart out at night because I know there is no one who would come to give me false hope at this time. There was only one person who would come rushing at late nights whenever I cried.
I heard the sound of opening of the window. Someone enters inside my room through the window. My body stiffened. I bite my lip to stop the sob that was about to escape from my mouth. I wiped the tears off my cheek using the back of my hand. Finally I turned around to face the familial presence.
I froze. Tears blurred my sight again. I try not let them escape from my eyes. I cannot show him how much it hurt me. He hurt me.
My heartbeat picked up pace and started accelerating way too fast. My breath became shallow.
Everything stoped when I look at him in the eyes.
His blue ones met mine brown.
Silence engulfed us. The breeze entered my room leaving me cold.
He stood there in shock as if not expecting me to be awake.
Then he finally sighed and made his way towards me.
“Stop.” I said, coldly. Causing his footsteps to cease.
“Why are you here?”
“I-I come here everyday.” He replied. Moonlight fell on his face making it more clear. His features more soft. His eyes are gloomy, bags more defined under them. His face was pale. He had lost his glow. His face is pale as if someone sucked life out of him. His face seem lifeless. His eyes were puffy and tired. His body wasn’t anymore carrying his attitude, it became more sloppy now.
“What?” He shook his head before replying.
” I had to see you.” He said and covered the remaining distance between us.
He lifted his one hand and brushed the pad of his thumb on my cheeks to wipe the tears. That’s when I realized I was crying. He looked me in the eye, his eyes penetrate me as if he can see my soul. His eyes reflecting pain, as if he could feel my aching heart.
I wanted to stop him. I don’t want him to pity me like everyone else. I try to push him back but I can’t, maybe because the warmth of his body is easing my pain.
All I could see were his blue eyes, pleading me. Asking me to understand him. Not to give up on him. On us.
I resist them and struggle against his grasp. It only tightened and held me closer. Smell of alcohol filled my nose. I look up at him. Had he been drinking?
“I am sorry princess.”, his lips met mine.
Butterflies started fluttering in my stomach, explosions in my heart, my body was tingling with his touch as our lips moves in sync.
His kiss held so much. So many emotions bursting through me.
My hands finds their way to his hair and tugs there. He moans against my lips and deepens the kiss. His grip tightens around my waist as if he is afraid I’ll disappear any moment now.
We pulled apart to catch our breaths. Ray placed his forehead over mine and closes his eyes. His palms cupped my face as he strokes my cheeks with his thumb. He inhales a sharp breath as if smelling me.
Only then I realize that his hands are shaking slightly.
“Why me? Why are you doing this to me?” I ask him in a whisper. Tears streaming down my face.
“Just remember this princess, I love you, always have and always will.” This made me cry even harder.
“No. Don’t lie. NO! You’re a liar and a cheat. Why did you do this to me, huh? Why? ” I yelled as my voice croaked at the end.
He looked broken.
“I am leaving today. I’m sorry about everything.” He sighed. ” I want you to believe in yourself, even when the world is cold be valiant. I know you are.-”
He took a deep breath and said ” Wait for me, will you?” , I could never forget the dismay in his.
“What? Whe-” He cut me by placing his lips on mine once again. It held so much more than just a kiss. It was soft. It was tender. It held promises.
“Goodbye princess.”
With that in one swift turn he went. Leaving me speechless. I could not think of anything. I did not know what was going on. I stood there. Dumbstruck.
It was not only me who was broken, who was hurting, he was hurting as well. The devastated look on his made my heart crush. He told me so much through a kiss. The words he could not say out loud, the words left unsaid.
A few days had passed when Claire told me that Raymond left the country. He got the scholarship he was working so hard for and he moved there.
We both worked so hard on this scholarship yet all I could think of was the fact that he had gone. The possibility that I might never encounter his blue orbs again made my heart shatter. I hated him and at the same time wanted to feel his arms around me. I wanted to feel the serenity I felt with him.
I knew I had to live with this uneasiness forever now or maybe just maybe it will fade in the coming years. Such was life and I knew I have to move on.
*THE END*