EVERYTHING went well.
Over the months it has become a night routine that Lileth and I talk about the past. Reminisce on our past helps up to reconcile our feelings and also to help her to get ok. We relived our happy memories and ended up laughing and crying. We also sing as a bonding.
Lately, I’ve noticed that she’s no longer that distant from me. It’s ok with her that I can get close, not just too close. At first, it was just a little distance but now it’s really close but it’s not just our bodies sticking together. We’re just handing out things.
As of now, I am happy with that. I knew little by little we would be ok too. She will be ok too. We can do a lot of things together and when that time comes I won’t waste my chances.
But somehow —– a part of me misses someone. I don’t want to feel this way but I can’t help it. I miss Erika and I want to see her. I want to call her but I chose to remove her number. I thought maybe I was just guilty because I relied on her and in the end, I left her. But I have this feeling that this is not guilt —– but love.
I love her and I am stupid to feel like this. This is not what I want but this is what I feel. If there is any chance to keep them both I will but I will be more selfish if I will do that.
Lileth is my wife, and I love her. After all that we’ve been through, after what I did, she deserves to be happy.
The hardship she has gone through is too much and it is necessary to make up for it. I know in the future I can remove Erika from my heart. And I am wishing her happiness. Happiness that should be me.
I sighed and looked at Lileth that peacefully sleeping. I shouldn’t have thought of another woman other than her. She alone should and no one else. My attention should be on her and I should get Erika out of my mind. It’s just guilty because I was the one who preceded her and then I left her.
It’s my fault why I’m confused now. I deserve to be confused and think because I entered it. I am the one who likes chaotic love. But now that Erika has left and chosen to stay away I must let her go. I don’t have to think about her anymore. I don’t have to chase her anymore.
My focus should be on Lileth. I have nothing else to think about but my wife. She alone should and no one else. I have to start now to plan what we should do and the places we will go when we are completely healed.
From what I can see how she will soon be healed. Gradually I got closer so I’m sure I’ll be able to hug her soon. And when that happens, my full attention is on him so that I can finally get back at her.
I got up to get some wine and then went to the veranda. I drank it slowly while sighing steadily. I want to get Erika out of my mind. I don’t want to remember her anymore. But as time goes on I miss her even more.
How is she? Can she miss me too? Does she also remember what we did together? She gives me herself to prove that she loves me even though she knows it is impossible for me to stand for her until the end.
I hope she is happy. Whatever she chooses to be with would have been her. Because she deserves to be happy after what I did to her. Hopefully the next time we meet we will both be happy with our choice to end our relationship.
I drink again with a steady sigh. I shouldn’t feel like this. It can’t and shouldn’t because it’s not right. But why does it hurt me to think that Erika will have someone else? It hurts me to think that one day she will leave me forever. Right now, I just think that someone else is with her now I think I am going crazy.
I messed up my hair out of annoyance. I drank to forget but I miss her even more. Maybe that’s why I’m like this because of Lileth. If only I could get close to her. If I had just hugged her I wouldn’t have thought of Erika.
The difficulty of our situation. I want a hug but I can’t. So I think she’s here so that if I want to hug someone it’s just here because I can’t do it with Lileth.
“Are you thinking of her?”
“Lileth.” I was surprised when I saw her so I was fixed. I didn’t realize she was at the door. Maybe she saw me earlier.
She came closer and then sat across from me. We do this often. The only thing that is not really possible is to touch her. Recently, I tried to hug her but when I held her hand she was scared.
“Did something hurt you so you woke up? Is there a problem?” I ask full of concern.
“No, I just want to go to the comfort room I noticed you weren’t in your bed and I saw the light on here.”
“I couldn’t sleep so I drank. I don’t have school tomorrow so it’s ok even if I wake up late.”
“Are you thinking of Erika?” she asked.
“No, I’m thinking about my job,” I lied but she just smiled at me. “There is no reason for me to think of her. If there is, then I want her happiness. After all, she deserves it.”
“You know Dustine until now you’re still not good at lying to me. You never think about work when you’re at home. And one more you don’t drink if you don’t have a problem. Erika ‘isn’t it?”
I let out a deep sigh and then nodded slowly. She was right. When it comes to her I can’t lie or I can’t fake how I feel. Lileth knows me very well and how I feel based on the gesture and the look on my face.
“Sorry.”
“Where?”
“Because I still think of her. I’m sorry but I can’t help it. Erika came at times when we were in trouble. So the things I can’t do to you I can do to him. To laugh, to caress, to hug, to kiss I am free to do with him. And now even though it’s ok we still can’t approach you. I miss hugging you, kissing you, but I can’t do it to you even if we’re together. And because of that, I became selfish to wish she’s here with me — as a replacement I guess. I don’t know, I am sorry, Lileth.”
“Dustine, how much you have endured for me. If I only knew that you would be hurt like this because of me I would have just left you to Erika then.”
“Lileth, no.”
“The thickness of my face to separate you. I made a way for you not to get back together. I became a sex slave of Terence and Martin but I still agreed to marry you. If there is anything selfish here it is me. Because I lack a lot of personalities but I still push myself on you.”
“You are not to blame for what happened earlier, Lileth. You are also a victim of what happened.”
“But we have it. I must be the only one who is unlucky because I am the only one who was banished but I took you with me. If only I hadn’t married you or if I had talked properly with Terence from the beginning instead of teasing him and quarreling. Maybe we just got along and he accepted that I didn’t like him. So I’m really to blame for everything.”
“Lileth, everything happened for a reason. I have no regrets about marrying you. Our wedding was the happiest day that ever happened in my life. I am sorry if what I did before was a pure insult. I am hurt and all that is out of anger at the thought that you cheated on me. I am sorry.”
“Do you hate me, Dustine? Because you are not the only man who has gone through my life?” I could not answer. “You feel disgusted?”
Am I disgusted? If not, why haven’t I claimed her in front of her since we got married and I discovered the truth? If so, why am I still claiming her, and am I satisfied?
“No,” I said. “I was angry with you, so that’s how I treated you. But it’s not a big deal to me even though many more men have passed by you. I can still accept you if you just tell the truth.”
“Dustine, can you still claim me despite everything?”
“I am, I can.” Lileth stand then approached me. She stood in front of me and held my hand. “Lileth?” She greeted me with a sweet smile and then kissed me on the lips. I closed my eyes and felt her kiss. We kiss passionately and when we let go he gave me a kiss.
I couldn’t believe what had happened but I was looking at her. I can’t explain how I feel right now.
“Make love with me, Dustine. I’m already here. You can now hold me and kiss me.”