AVERY
Caleb turned out to be a pretty decent guy. He was smart, nice and full of jokes and with Mariah and Caleb’s friend-Julian-flirting non-stop next to us, it turned out to be a really fun night.
“So, I believe I’m speaking for Caleb too when I ask, are you girls attached?” Julian, bolder one of the two asked.
“I’m as single as a person can be.” Mariah said with a laugh and Julian’s careful smile transformed into a full blown grin.
These two were hitting it off strong. Mariah might act like she wasn’t big on relationships but when she found the right one and decided settled down, she settled down for real.
The table turned quiet and I realised that all eyes were on me. They were waiting for my answer. Shit.
Was I attached? If I had been asked that question a week ago, I would say yes without hesitation. But right now… Right now, I wasn’t sure that I was attached.
“I’m not.” I said finally, lifting my drink up to my lips to take a sip. To anyone, it looked like I was casually taking a sip of my drink but I did it to avoid Caleb’s eyes. Through my periphery, I knew that he was trying to hold eye contact.
The conversation picked up again and thankfully, the topic of relationship status was avoided.
***
Mariah and I were huddled at the back seat of a taxi, going back to our dorms. That night had gone pleasingly well. I actually had fun and even though I had been pretty reluctant to come out, I was glad that I did.
And I owed it all to Mariah.
“Thank you for tonight.” I told her.
She had been leaning her head back with her eyes closed, but when she heard me speaking, her eyes popped open.
“You’re a really great friend.”
She beamed. “The plan was for you to have fun. Did you?”
“Yeah. Tons.”
“Well, you’re welcome then.”
I laughed, my heart bursting with love for her. “You’re my best person in the whole world, you know that right?”
“Asides from your mom, you mean.”
I groaned, my head falling back on the seat. “Ugh. That woman is going to kill me. I haven’t called her in days.”
“Do you want me to remind you to call her tomorrow?” She offered.
“Yes please.”
She nodded. “Alright. That’s settled then.”
The car ride continued blissfully for a few more minutes, then I blurted. “Caleb asked for my number.”
“Duh.” She rolled her eyes and turned to me expectantly, “Did you give him?”
I bit my lip, my eyes darting to the phone in my hand. He had texted me already, telling me to let him know when we got home safe.
“I did.”
“Good. I’m so proud of you.”
“Proud of me for giving a guy my number?”
“No.” She shook her head, “Proud of you for being brave enough to take a chance.”
My throat clogged as understanding dawned on me. She meant that I was brave enough to want to start something new, despite everything I was going through. Despite me still being hung up on Cyrus.
She knew that I still had feelings for him. She knew, even though I acted like I didn’t think about him anymore. Even though I acted like I was okay with us going our separate ways. But she didn’t call me out on it.
Tears welled in my eyes. I blinked them away sharply.
I was so pissed at myself. Could I go one whole hour without thinking about Cyrus? All through at the bar with Caleb, I kept thinking about him. Every action Caleb took, I associated them with Cyrus. Would he do this? Would he do that?
How different the both of them were from each other. How Caleb was an easygoing, quick on his feet kind of guy, and Cyrus was more laid back. He didn’t have to speak before people could look at him. All he had to do, was exist and he commanded all the attention at that place.
I missed him so much.
“I have two different advices to give to you.” Mariah spoke up and I turned to her, curious. “I’m going to give one to you today, and how you adapt to that one, will determine if I’ll tell you the second one. ”
I nodded, urging her to continue.
“The first one I’m going to tell you is this.” Her eyes drifted to the roof of the car and she seemed to be in deep thought. “Even if you haven’t talked about it, I know that you wonder why I don’t date. Not just you, but everyone really. People wonder why I don’t date and eventually, they just assume I’m the type that likes to catch her fun anywhere she finds it.”
I watched her quietly, knowing that everything she said was true. I had wondered several times, but naturally, I wasn’t in the habit of asking too many questions. I didn’t like prying into people’s business and since she had never really talked about it, I didn’t bother asking because I knew that if she wanted to, she would.
Now, though, she was talking about it.
“Thing is, I wasn’t always like that.” She smiled ruefully, “The opposite really. I had a steady boyfriend all through high school until a day to our prom when he broke up with me.”
I gasped. “Oh my God. I’m so sorry.”
And I truly was. For her.
She shook her head. “Thanks. I mean, we were in a relationship and since prom was coming up, I didn’t have to ask him. He didn’t have to ask me. It only made sense that we go to prom together. But then a night to prom, I casually asked him what he was going to wear so that we could match, and he straight up told me that I wasn’t his date to prom just because we were dating.” She looked me in the eye. “He had another date.”
I couldn’t find any words as I stared at her. I didn’t know what to say, so I simply slid my hand across the back of the seat and placed it on top of hers, giving her a reassuring squeeze.
“He assumed that the fact that he had another date to prom, didn’t mean that we weren’t in a relationship. Can you believe that?” She gave a bitter laugh that grated on my ears. The laugh was so unlike her. “He thought that the bringing another girl to prom wouldn’t affect our relationship. I was in love, but I wasn’t a fool. So I broke up with him.” She shrugged.
“You did the right thing.” I told her. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.”
She shrugged, “It’s all in the past now. It was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. Losing my boyfriend a day before prom. Of course I couldn’t go to prom anymore. I nursed my broken heart at home. I thought that my life was over, and several times, I almost went back to him, but I hardened my heart and told myself that I wouldn’t settle for a guy that didn’t want me.” She looked at me pointedly, “I had to walk away and not look back because I knew that it was the right thing for me.”
Now, I knew where she was going with what she had told me.
“When I left him, I didn’t think I would ever find anyone like him again, and maybe I won’t, but it doesn’t matter. Last I heard, he’s happy with his girlfriend now. What I’m trying to say is that, walking away might seem difficult right now, but if it’s the best thing for you to do, do it.”
“I know. It’s just…”
She shook hear head, cutting me off. “Just do it.”
She didn’t know how hard I was trying. I had tried all the techniques I knew how. Thrown myself into studying, ate chocolate(granted this wasn’t really a technique to forget about me, it was more to soothe the ache in my heart), and had even put effort into getting to know Caleb. Yet I ended up thinking about Cyrus anyway.
“You have to, Avery. I didn’t thi m that I could move on after I left my high school boyfriend. In fact, I thought that he was the love of my life back then. Hey, I was a teen. Mistakes were made.”
We both laughed at that.
“I know you usually do not hit it off with every guy you meet. You don’t even talk to guys and that’s probably why you’re reluctant to try with any other guy-”
“I’m not reluctant. I just can’t.” I cried out in exasperation. “I’m trying, okay? I swear I’m trying, but I just can’t. I’m not doing it on purpose.”
She nodded. “I understand. I’m not trying to force you into doing anything you don’t want to do, but I just want you to know that all you have to do is try. Just try. Promise?”
If I promised her that I was going to try, would I be lying?
I thought hard and king on it. Tonight, I had tried with Caleb. Tried to get along with him, and even went as far as giving him my number, which was something that I wouldn’t usually do.
The thing was, I actually was trying. But at the end of the day, trying was one thing and actually achieving what I wanted was another.
“Just promise you’re going to give Caleb a chance, Avery.”
So I decided to make the promise anyway.
“I promise.”