Chapter 24
Abbie
It seems feeling torn in two is becoming my new normal.
Whenever I spend time with Nikolai, who’s been super patient and supportive the past week, I forget what happened to me. But once I’m alone again, the nightmare returns full force, and I know nothing can come of a friendship with Nikolai. At some point, he might try to initiate sex, and I’m afraid I’ll lose my mind.
The thought of sex – the act itself – disgusts me.
I still feel attracted to Nikolai, and I think he’s an amazing man. Even more so now that I’m getting to know him on a deeper level.
I want to run into his arms and beg him never to leave my side. I want this brutal and powerful man to protect me against the cruel world.
I want to get to know all of him. What makes him smile? What brings him joy? What he’s like when he’s with family?
But I can’t be intimate with him. Not while everything in me is still reeling from the violence inflicted on me.
It’s been a week since he asked me to go to his home, and I still owe him an answer.
The thoughts keep running through my mind while I’m sitting in Aurora’s suite. My friend is wearing a wedding gown while a seamstress makes some last-minute adjustments.
“You look so beautiful,” I compliment Aurora.
I have a smile in place while I go through the actions expected of me so she doesn’t notice something’s wrong.
The last thing I want to do is ruin her wedding day, and besides, I can’t talk about the rape.
“Thank you,” Aurora grins happily. “Gosh, can you believe I’m actually getting married in a month?”
I let out a chuckle. “You deserve this, Ra-Ra.”
More than anyone. Be happy for the both of us.
When the dress fitting is done, Aurora comes to sit next to me, handing me a glass of champagne.
She holds the glass up and toasts, “To us finding our happily-ever- afters.”
I’m afraid that’s not in the cards for me, but I clink my glass against hers.
She stares at me for a moment, then says, “Out with it.” I shake my head, widening my smile, but it has her giving me a concerned look. “I can see something’s bothering you.”
After I take a sip of the bubbly liquid, I set the glass down on the coffee table. “Nothing’s bothering me.”
Aurora tilts her head, her eyebrows drawing together. “Since when do we lie to each other?”
Knowing she won’t give up until I tell her something, I throw Nikolai under the bus. “Nikolai asked me to go home with him for a vacation.”
Her eyes almost bulge out of her head. “What?”
I find her reaction amusing as I murmur, “I didn’t give him an answer.”
Aurora grabs my arm and shakes me. “Why? Say yes!” Her excitement doubles by the minute. “Jesus, Abbie. When did this happen? Are you dating? Tell me everything!”
I wish I could enjoy this moment, but instead, my heart lies heavy in my chest.
I shrug while I shake my head. “Don’t get excited. We’re just friends.
There’s nothing romantic between us.”
Instantly she frowns. “Then why would Nikolai invite you to his home?”
Hell, if I know.
Her face lights up again. “The man has the hots for you. There’s no other reason.” Her grip on my arm tightens. “Have you slept with him?”
My heart skips a beat before it speeds up, and I pull my arm free from her hold. The words come too fast from me. “Can we change the subject, please? I’d rather talk about your wedding. Do you know where you’ll go for your honeymoon? Are you still going to attend St. Monarch’s after you’re married? Where are you going to live?”
I bombard her with questions to get her attention off me, and luckily it works.
Aurora leans back against the sofa, a happy smile curving her lips. “The honeymoon is a surprise. Misha is keeping it a secret.” Then she pouts. “I have to complete my training at St. Monarch’s. My father won’t budge on it.”
“That sucks,” I murmur.
I hate being here. Nikolai is the only thing making it bearable, and soon he’ll leave.
“Misha has a house in Russia and here in Switzerland. We’ll probably move between the two depending on his work.”
I force a smile to my lips. “I’m happy for you, Ra-Ra.”
A knock on the door draws her attention away from me, and as she goes to open the door, I stand up.
Misha steps inside, barely noticing me because he only has eyes for his woman. “Are you done with the fitting?” he asks.
Aurora wraps her arms around his neck, staring deep into his eyes. “Yes.
The dress is gorgeous. You’re going to love it.” “I’m sure I’ll love ripping it off you –”
“I’m going to let myself out,” I interrupt Misha.
Darting out into the hallway, I quickly walk toward the stairs and don’t stop until I’m outside. I press my palm to my churning stomach and aimlessly walk through the gardens behind the castle.
“Abbie,” I hear Alek call and glance over my shoulder. He jogs toward me, his eyes searching my face. “How are you holding up?”
Alek is the only person I can be honest with. He knows everything, and even though I wouldn’t call us friends, it’s easy to talk to him.
“I’m not.”
He gestures to a bench that’s in the shade of a tree. “Want to talk?”
We sit down, and I stare at the flowers around us as I admit, “It’s not getting any better.”
Alek gives me a sympathetic look. “Still having nightmares?” I nod. “I’m exhausted.”
“Are you eating?” he asks.
I let out a chuckle. “Nikolai force-feeds me.”
Alek smirks at me. “That’s good.” His eyes narrow. “He’s been trying to get information out of me about what happened.”
My eyes dart to Alek. “What have you told him?”
“Nothing.” He tilts his head. “I made you a promise to keep your secret, but I think you should tell him. He really seems to care about you, and honestly, I’m not the right person to support you.”
His features grow dark, which I’ve seen happen often whenever we talk about the rape.
Gathering the little courage I have, I ask, “Did something similar happen to you?”
Alek shakes his head. “I’m not the victim in my story.” He glances over the garden. “The only reason I’m trying to help you is to repent for my sin.”
My lips part, my gaze glued to his face.
Before I can ask another question, he stands up. “Tell Nikolai what happened. The man is losing his mind from worry, and he’ll be able to make sure you get the help you need.”
I shake my head as Alek walks toward the entrance, then I hear him whisper to himself, “In my story, I’m the monster.”
Jesus, what does that mean?
I stare at Alek until he steps into the castle, then shake my head. I don’t have the strength to wonder about what happened to him.
And I have my own problems that are trying to kill me.
How do I tell the man I’m falling in love with that I was raped?
No, it will kill me if Nikolai pities me. I’ll never function right again, and he deserves more than the ghost I’ve become.
Letting out a sigh, I rest my elbows on my knees and cover my face with my hands.
God, this is unbearable.
My thoughts turn to Nikolai’s offer of joining him at his home for a vacation.
I lower my hands and glance around me.
A change of scenery would be amazing, but what if I say yes, and he expects me to have sex with him?
I know it’s not the only thing he wants from me, but one thing might lead to another, and I might find myself in that position.
What will happen if I refuse him? Will he be angry? Will it destroy this tentative friendship between us?
It’s been almost a month since the rape, and Nikolai hasn’t even tried to initiate a kiss. Maybe I’m just overthinking things?
Should I go?
Should I stay?
Ugh.
Standing up, I walk back to the entrance, and when I reach the dining hall, I almost bump into Caspian and Duarte.
I quickly move out of their way and rush to the stairs so I can get to the safety of my suite.
I hate St. Monarch’s. I despise the training, the people, and everything that’s happened to me since I got here.
More than ever, I want no part in my father’s business.
This life will kill me. I’m sure of it. I wish there were a way to escape it.
And Nikolai only has one week left. Once he leaves… I can’t even imagine it.
Go with Nikolai to the island. Buy some more time with him and get away from this place. Even if it’s just for a week. You can tell him you’re not open to intimacy and you’re only going as a friend.
Will that be enough?
“Abigail,” I suddenly hear Nikolai behind me, and startled, I spin around. He instantly stops walking. “Are you okay?”
“You just caught me off guard.”
Cautiously he takes a step closer, his sharp gaze searching my face. “Are you going to your suite?”
Taking a deep breath, I nod. I walk to my door, and opening it, I pause. I glance over my shoulder, and gathering my strength, I ask, “Does the offer to visit your home still stand?”
The corner of his mouth lifts in a hot smirk. “Of course.” My eyes lock with his. “I’d love to see your home.”
A relieved smile spreads over his face, that has me staring at him like an idiot. I’ve never seen him smile like that before, and it makes him look… loving.
“I have a condition, though,” I add. “I’m only going as your friend.”
Nikolai steps closer to me before nodding. His eyes capture mine, a serious expression making him look like the ruthless blood diamond king he is.
“I promise you will be safe with me. The vacation is purely for you to relax. I don’t expect anything from you.”
His words make me feel emotional, and I worry that he’s figured out I was raped.
I search his eyes for any signs of pity but can’t find any.
I step into my suite, then pause again to say, “I appreciate everything you do for me, Nikolai. Thank you for being my friend.”
His eyes warm as he looks at me. “You’re welcome, moya lyubov’. I only want what’s best for you.”
Hearing the words ‘my love’ once again has me wondering why he chose to call me that.
Surely, he doesn’t love me? Right?
“We leave Friday afternoon,” he says before walking toward his suite. For a moment, I stare at his back, then I shut the door behind me.
Before I can get stuck in my head, wondering if Nikolai loves me, my eyes lock on the bedroom.
God, I’m so tired. I wish the nightmares would stop so I can get a decent night’s sleep.