Chapter 22
Abbie
As I’m not allowed to attend training during the day, I hide in my suite, staring at a blank canvas. The hours are long and torturous.
I don’t know what to paint. Nothing is beautiful anymore.
I keep swirling the tip of the brush in the paint on the palette, the colors blending until everything is black.
It’s fitting.
Lifting the brush to the blank canvas, I slash a line from corner to corner. Slowly I start to cover the white of the canvas until everything is black.
It’s exactly what’s been done to my life. All the color has been erased from it, leaving me in darkness.
Sitting with the palette and brush in my hands, the paint dries as afternoon turns to evening, and all I can do is stare at the ruined canvas that represents my life.
I wish I was stronger.
I hate that I can’t erase the memories and reclaim my life.
I hear a knock at my door but don’t move to open it. Whoever is here can go away.
When I hear the door click open, I close my eyes.
Nikolai. Only he has the keycard.
I hear movement, and while part of me wants him to hold me and make it all better, I wish he would leave me alone. It’s hard to keep the secret from his piercing eyes that can look into my soul.
I barely have the strength to survive this hell, never mind, fight him. “Abigail,” he murmurs, his tone soft… almost loving.
God. I can’t…
I lower my head while I set the palette and brush down.
I hear him place something on the coffee table before he moves closer to me.
Hold me and never let me go. Even if the odds of us working as a couple are zero.
I can’t speak the words because Nikolai needs a strong woman beside him, and that’s not me. I already told him there will never be anything between us, and I won’t be able to do it a second time. The first was hard enough.
“Moya lyubov’,” he says, his gentle voice cutting through the meager defenses I’m struggling to keep up around me, “you need to eat.”
I can’t. The bile in my stomach doesn’t stop churning long enough for me to eat.
His touch is soft as he takes hold of my shoulders. I stand up and let him lead me over to the sofa, where I get to sit again. There’s a plate of grilled chicken and roasted vegetables on the table.
I have no energy.
I have no will to live.
I have nothing to give to this cruel world.
Nikolai takes a seat beside me and cuts a piece of the grilled chicken breast. He brings the fork to my mouth, and I know if I refuse, it will lead to a fight.
My lips part, and I take the bite of food. No taste explodes over my tongue, and I struggle to chew and swallow.
“Relax. I’m here as a friend,” he says before he spears a piece of broccoli.
A friend. I need that more than ever.
Aurora has finally found her happiness with Misha. They got engaged and will marry soon. I can’t ruin that by talking to her about what happened to me.
I lift my eyes to Nikolai’s face, and our eyes lock as I take the bite of broccoli from the fork.
The corner of his mouth lifts. “My mother used to force-feed us whenever we wouldn’t eat our food.”
It’s hard to imagine the legendary Winter Hemsley being a mother. “What was your childhood like?” I ask.
“In short, it was amazing,” he answers without hesitation. “I grew up in a loving home.”
Unlike mine.
I let out a sigh. “It’s rare in our world to come from a loving home.”
Much to my surprise, he continues to tell me about himself. “I was a skilled fighter at the age of ten, and I killed my first man at sixteen.”
“Who?”
Nikolai shakes his head. “It was a guard who helped Inna sneak out to the mainland.”
My eyebrow lifts. “So it’s true? You live on an island?”
He nods, and there’s satisfaction on his face as he feeds me another piece of chicken. “You’ll love it. There’s plenty of nature to paint.” His eyes flick to the black canvas before he focuses on spearing another vegetable.
After I swallow the food, I ask, “Didn’t it get lonely on the island?” “No.” His eyes meet mine, and there’s no sign of the dangerous man
I’ve flirted with before hell was unleashed on me. His eyes are warm and kind, and it has me staring at him.
“Inna is only three years younger than me. We grew up being best friends. I got to attend school on the mainland, where I met Maxim. He’s my brother-in-law.”
“It must be nice that your best friend married your sister,” I comment.
Nikolai shakes his head. “No, I married Maxim’s sister. Anja. Inna is married to Sergei Romanhov. He’s part of the bratva.”
I don’t think as I ask, “What was it like being married?”
Nikolai is quiet for a moment, cutting the rest of the chicken into pieces.
He feeds me a bite, then says, “I only recently realized it took a lot out of me. Deceiving a dying woman came at a price.”
My eyes lock on his. “What price?”
There’s a moment’s silence while he feeds me more food before he admits, “It was hard to be intimate with her. I’m not good at pretending, so I had to work my ass off to make her believe I loved her. I never want to be in a position like that again.”
I don’t even realize that having a normal conversation with Nikolai is making me forget my demons for a blissful moment.
Before I know it, Nikolai places the cutlery down on the empty plate.
I lean my shoulder against the back of the sofa as I ask, “Why did you marry her?”
He shrugs before taking a deep breath. “I did it for Maxim. He wanted his sister happy during her final days.”
There’s a spark of warmth in my heart. “You’re a good man, Nikolai.” Letting out a chuckle, he smirks. “I beg to differ.”
I’m finally relaxed and begin to feel sleepy. “What’s the blood diamond business like?”
He moves into a comfortable position beside me, and my eyes drift over his powerful body. My stomach flutters, but instantly bile douses the sensation.
I shake my head and close my eyes to focus on keeping the horrific memories under lock and key. The darkness rears up, chasing the relaxing atmosphere away and filling the air with tension.
Nikolai notices the change and whispers, “Can I hold you?”
Needing his strength, I nod. Instantly his arms envelop me, his hug like a comforting and protective blanket wrapped around me.
He holds me for a couple of minutes before he moves me to lean against him. I rest my head on his chest, and he presses a kiss to my hair.
“The blood diamond business is ruthless but lucrative. Dealing with rebels, you never know whether you’ll walk away with a shipment or have to fight for your life. They’re unpredictable and don’t play by the same rules as the bratva and mafia,” he continues to talk as if I didn’t just have a mini breakdown.
“It must be stressful.” I hesitate before I place my hand on his abs.
A week ago, I would’ve been jumping out of my skin to have Nikolai sit and talk with me.
But it’s hard to find joy with the weight of the depravity bearing down on my shoulders.
“You get used to it,” he chuckles, his chest moving against my cheek.
He clears his throat, then asks, “What was your childhood like?”
I let out a deep breath. “Nothing like yours. My father was hardly home, and my mother loves her margaritas too much.”
I feel his fingers brush through my hair, the touch soothing. “What got you into painting?”
“Art class at school.” My mouth almost curves into a smile. “I lived for the hour I got to paint.”
With Nikolai telling me about himself, I want to give him something in return. “I don’t want to take over my father’s business.” I swallow hard. “I don’t want to be at St. Monarch’s.”
“You don’t have to,” he murmurs.
I let out a bitter chuckle. “I have no choice in the matter.”
His fingers keep brushing through my hair. “You do.” He places his other hand beneath my chin and nudges my face up so I’ll look at him. “You always have a choice, but let’s step off this subject so you can relax again. Tell me about your friendship with Aurora.”
I stare into his eyes, wondering where this version of him came from.
Before the ambush, Nikolai was distant and sometimes downright cruel.
But now he’s warm and caring.
Why?
Does he know?
Does he pity me?
“Shh…” he hums. “Don’t get stuck in your head. Talk to me.”
I rest my cheek against his chest again and closing my eyes, I whisper, “I’d rather hear about your life. Is there something you love to do in your spare time?”
Nikolai chuckles, “I don’t have enough spare time for a hobby.” “That’s a pity.”
I feel him pressing a kiss to my hair, and when silence falls between us, I start to drift off to sleep. I try to fight it because I know there are only nightmares waiting for me.
Nikolai brushes his fingers up and down my back, and it doesn’t take long before I lose the battle against sleep.