1 9
RYAN
After walking around the film festival for hours I finally made my way back to the hotel. I’d wandered aimlessly letting only my thoughts dictate my direction and now they had led me back here.
I texted Tinsley as soon as I walked into the lobby. “Care to talk?” She immediately answered, “Yes, can I meet you in your room?”
I agreed and made my way upstairs. I had no idea what I was going to say to her, but I knew we couldn’t leave things as I had this morning.
She was waiting by my door as I arrived. I took in her beauty in all its glory. I thought of all that we had been through in such a short time. She’d jumped right in to helping me when I’d been killed off the franchise. She hadn’t missed a beat, hadn’t cared that we had basically been strangers for years.
There were many sexual encounters in my life that could have led to me having a child. And in all honesty the only one I would have wanted to result in one was my time with Tinsley. She was brave, kind and thoughtful. I knew I was lucky that she had been the one raising my son.
“Hey there,” she said quietly standing up from the doorway she had been leaning against.
“Hey yourself,” I said, opening the door for us and leading her in. “Are you hungry, I can get room service?”
“Actually, no. The guys came over to cheer me up and I don’t think there is any food left in the state of Utah because it’s all in carts up in my room,” she said with a laugh that she quickly stifled.
“Ryan, I am so sorry,” she cried, collapsing against me.
“Tinsley, don’t cry,” I said, my own words catching in my chest.
“I never meant to hurt you. I thought I was helping you. By the time I figured out that I was pregnant you had already gotten your big break. You were living in LA, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“I never expected to be in your life as I am now. I should have told you the minute I got assigned to your project, but the timing never felt right. I am so, so sorry,” she cried.
“You’re right Tinsley, you should have. You had no right to keep something like that from me. I’ve missed all his firsts, his first step, his first word, his first day of school. How do you think that makes me feel?
“I mean what is he going to think of me? That I’m the asshole that never cared to be in his life. You’ve made me into some sort of villain in his life. The guy that didn’t want to be around. I may be able to understand your reasoning, but he can’t,” I said exasperated.
“I know that,” she said, tearing up all over again.
“Tinsley, part of why this hurts so much is because of promises I made to myself when I was young. I promised that if I ever had a child, I would never make them feel the way my parents made me feel, that I was an afterthought, that I was a mistake.”
“I spent years in counseling dealing with the mistakes my parents made. It took me a long time to get to where I am today. I have a relationship with both my parents finally and it’s not perfect but it works. But it was hard after the ways they acted. Then when I found out about our son, it hurt me knowing I’d been put in such a bad position.
“But I also know you. And I know you would never do anything to intentionally hurt me or anyone you care about. I just wish I had known Tins. I could have been there for him, for you.” I said as I embraced her.
She melted into my warmth. I felt every ounce of tension and anxiety slowly leaving her body. I had never intended to cause her pain with my response, I just needed to feel my feelings.
I pulled slowly away from her and put a hand on each shoulder. “How do we move forward?” I asked, my brow knitted in concern as I started deep into her beautiful green eyes.
“Do you want to be in his life?” Tinsley asked in almost a whisper. “I’ll understand if the answer is no.” She straightened up, hardening herself to her own question.
“Of course I want to be in his life. I’m all in. I just need to know what you’ll allow that to look like,” I said, taking her hand in mine.
“Really?” she asked, looking completely relieved. “When do you want to meet him?”
“The sooner the better! As soon as we get home, if you’ll let me.” I said. “We go back tomorrow, why don’t we plan on you coming over the next
day for dinner?” she suggested.
“I’d love that. I mean I can’t believe I’m a dad,” I said, smiling. “This has been a hard day Tinsley, but I promise you something, it’s also been one of the best days of my life.”
“Do you really feel that way?” she asked.
“Absolutely Tinsley. This is my chance to do things right. I want to be there for Lucas in the ways they never were for me. He is never going to question a day in his life how much I love him.”
“Can we take things according to what Lucas wants?” she asked. “I don’t want to rush him into something he can’t handle.”
“Tinsley, you and Lucas are in charge. I will default to whatever you think is right. One thing I will ask is that we get him some counseling. There will be some big emotions he will be working through. He might be excited at first but hurt will come and I want him to have all the support he needs,” I replied.
“I can agree to that. I think it’s sweet you aren’t just thinking of the good times but that you recognize parenting isn’t always easy,” she said.
“Tinsley, believe it or not, being a parent is something I’ve always wanted deep down. And if I’m being honest, I can’t imagine a better situation than getting to raise a child with you.”
Tinsley threw her arms around me just then and I caught her mouth in a soft, sensual kiss. We stood there for what felt like ages, rubbing against each other and exploring one another’s mouths with our tongues.
When we finally pulled away it was as if all the tension of the previous day had finally gone. I stared at Tinsley, the mother of my child in admiration. How did I get to be so lucky?
“What do you say we get out of here?” I asked. “Sure, what do you want to do?” she questioned.
“I have an idea,” I said, grabbing her hand and leading her towards the door.
We made our way down to the lobby. We couldn’t technically interact as a couple out at the festival but the chemistry between us felt so palpable I felt sure that the entire festival was on to us.
I led her toward one of the vendors I’d passed earlier in the day. It was a jeweler that did engravings on their various pieces.
“Let’s get something, one for me, one for you, one for Lucas.
Something to symbolize that we’re a family,” I suggested.
“I would love that. And so would he. You can give it to him when you come to dinner,” she added.
“Great idea!”
We pursued their various pieces and finally decided on matching dog tag type necklaces for Lucas and I and a gold cuff for Tinsley. We chose the phrase semper familia which means always family.
Tinsley instantly put hers on when it was completed. “This is perfect,” she said near tears. “He’s struggled with what it means to be a family for years.”
“These can be his daily reminder that he always has us,” I said. “That we’ll always be his family. That the three of us have an inescapable bond.”
“We really do,” she said with a smile.
–
When we got back from downstairs, Tinsley and I parted ways. I wanted to spend time with her, but she had lots of work to catch up on. I understood. Not everyone got paid to smile and look pretty. She had so much behind the scenes stuff that she was always doing it was a wonder she had time for anything else.
I considered my situation again. I thought about how lucky I really was, getting my first big break after that play, moving to LA. Tinsley was right, a baby would have changed everything for me back then. I knew in my heart of hearts that she had done me a solid. I just hoped we could make it make sense for Lucas.