19

19
ALICIA
I stand there for a moment, staring after him. Then I run to catch up. “Hey!” I yell after him. “Hold on!”
Brandon stops, but doesn’t turn back. He’s too polite to keep walking away from me, I guess, but not so polite that he’s going to acknowledge my presence.
“You can’t say that shit to me and then walk away,” I say.
“Oh, I can’t walk away?” he says. “Because, what, only you’re allowed to do that?”
“What the fuck, Brandon? Where is this coming from?”
“Don’t be stupid, Alicia. You know exactly where this is coming from. You know our past as well as anyone. Remember? You didn’t want to be with me so much that you ran out on the whole pack.”
“Excuse me? Brandon, you know that’s not why I fucking left! I told you already, it was because Deidre was manipulating me. She was threatening me.”
“I know what you told me. But now I’m asking you if that was the only reason you left. Was it really just your stepmother? It had nothing at all to do with me-with us?”
“There was no us.”
“I accepted you, Alicia. But you rejected me and then went on the run. I’d have to be a real idiot to think there was no connection.”
“There wasn’t. No connection.”
“See, I don’t think so,” Brandon says. “I think you left because you didn’t want to face me after that. I believe that it was about your family, but I also think you weren’t sure how I was going to react to what happened, and you didn’t want to stick around to find out. I think you thought I might be mad at you-and I was. And I think you thought I might take my anger out on you, which I wouldn’t have.”
“I’m supposed to believe that?” I ask. “You really think I’m going to buy that you wouldn’t have been aggressive toward me after I rejected you in front of the whole pack?”
“Alicia, when have I ever been aggressive toward you? For fuck’s sake.
What are you even talking about?”
“Maybe not toward me personally,” I say, “but you know the way you get when things aren’t going your way.”
“No,” Brandon says, frowning. “What way do I get?” “Please. How many bar fights have you been in?”
“That’s what this is about?” He shakes his head. “Alicia, I’ve never hit a woman.”
“I didn’t think you were going to hit me.” “Then what?”
“I don’t know! But you do lash out, Brandon. You’re doing it right now,
yelling at me over nothing.”
“Do you really think it’s nothing?” Brandon demands. “Do you really think that walking away from everything that challenges you in your life is nothing?”
“I don’t do that!”
“Oh, yes, you do. You did it with me. You did it with your stepmother.
And now you’re doing it again with Lonnie.”
“I was leaving anyway!” I cry. “If I move up my departure a little because of Lonnie, well, who gives a damn? What business is it of yours, anyway?”
“I don’t want you to leave!” he explodes. “Can’t you see that? Do you think I would go to all this trouble if the idea of you walking away again wasn’t tearing me up? You just came back into my life, for fuck’s sake. I’m not ready to lose you again.”
“You can’t lose me,” I say. “I’m not yours to lose.” As soon as the words come out of my mouth I know they’re a lie.
Brandon lets out a growl and stalks away, then turns back to face me. “That’s really what you think?” he asks.
“I don’t belong to you,” I stammer.
“That’s not what I said, though, is it?” He sighs. “There’s something between you and me, Alicia. Something that’s worth exploring. And you’re going to throw that away because being with the pack is too hard for you.”
He’s right. There is something between us. There’s our incredible sexual chemistry, but there’s also the fact that I’m really starting to care for him. And, of course, there’s our daughter, who will always tie us together in ways Brandon can’t even imagine right now.
But it’s too hard for me to be here. He’s right that I’m running away. It’s not safe for me to be here with my daughter, because I can’t be sure he won’t
try to take her from me. I don’t think he would. I really don’t. He’s not a cruel person, but the pack is so important to him, and I’ve spent two years lying about her existence and raising her in the human world. He could decide that he’d be a better parent than I would. I also can’t be sure I would be able to keep all of us safe from Lonnie.
So yes. He’s right. I’m not going to stay here, and it is because this is too difficult for me. It’s because this isn’t a safe place for me or for Emmy. Lonnie is already talking about her, and if Deidre ever comes back from the boneyard and finds out I have a kid, the two of them are going to be on the warpath.
I turn away from him.
“No, wait,” he says, and grabs me by the arm, whirling me back around to face him. “You’re not walking away. Not this time. I’m not going to let you.”
“Let go of me, Brandon.”
“No. You’re going to face this. We’re going to face this.” “Let me go!”
He looks me in the eyes. “Tell me one more time,” he says. “Tell me one more time to let you go, and I’ll do it.”
I open my mouth-but the words don’t come out. And then he kisses me.