She was quiet for a full minute that seemed like an hour, a troubled look on her face as she chewed at her lower lip. She glanced at me for a second and then looked away again, “You’re right, I have thought about it Ryan. Actually I’ve thought a lot about it since the other night.”
“And?”
“And, because I love you and realize how badly you want to be with me that way I’m actually a little flattered, but mainly the idea just scares me, scares the hell out of me.”
“Why?” She looked at me, her face now showing anger, “Why? Because you’re my son. I gave birth to you. Your whole body came head first out of that hole between my legs that you seem so eager to climb back into.”
“You make it sound ugly mom, I only want to make love to you.”
“And what does that mean Ryan? What happens when you make love to me?”
“You know”
“Tell me. Tell me what it means. What happens when you make love to me?”
“Mom, you know” I told her, frustrated at her questions.
“I realize I know Ryan, but do you know?”
“Sure I know.”
“Then tell me. I want to hear you tell me. How would you make love to me?” She was still propped up in bed, but she’d turned her body to face me, her face serious.
“I’d just do it; you know, take all your clothes off and lay down on top of you.”
“And then what ?”
“I’d put my” and I looked away from her and cleared my throat. “I’d put my, my thing in your, uh, inside your place and do it to you.”
She actually smiled at that. “Let me see if I understand this. You’d make me naked, lie down on top of me, put your thing inside my place and do it to me, is that it?”
“Yes.”
“Do you know where my place is?”
“Sure, it’s between your legs.”
“Do you know what it’s called?”
“Pussy?”
Her eyes got big, “well that’s one word for it, though there are others, some that women like even less. So you want to put your thing inside my pussy?” I shook my head yes. “Well aside from the fact that it sounds a little crude, what then?”
“We do it”
“Do what ”
“It, you know… IT.”
“No tell me”
“ERRRR! Fuck mom, we fuck! I lay on top of you, put my thing in your pussy and we fuck. I fuck you!”
She was quiet for a few seconds, just staring at me and then released her breath “Whew! that doesn’t sound very romantic.”
“It could be, would be, you just have me confused with all your questions.”
She reached out and took my hand, “Ryan look at me” and I did. “I understand what you’re saying and I know you don’t mean it exactly the way you’re saying it, but do you realize how really serious and earth shattering this thing you want us to do together really is?” I looked sideways at her. “You think it’s so simple Ryan, just spread your legs wide open mom and let me get my penis inside you for a few minutes, but it isn’t simple at all Ryan. You are asking me to give up everything I’ve ever believed in, everything I’ve ever considered normal and moral and right in order to have sex with you. Do you really want me to do that? Is taking your mother, is having me, being inside me in that very special way that is important to you?”
“You said you thought about it”I told her.
“And I did think about it Ryan, I thought a lot about it.”
“And?”
“And… I can’t deny that I think it would be powerful and emotional, probably the most powerful and emotional thing I’ ve ever experienced to feel my son, to feel you Ryan, on top of me, inside of me, moving in me, spraying your seed inside me, loving me in that special way. but,”
“But what?”
“But, I don’t know, it’s just so complicated and messy, very, very messy. We’d be breaking the law and every moral code ever written and how could I ever look you in the eyes again after I let you do that to me, after you possessed me, entered my body with your penis and shot your sperm up inside my womb? That’s for lovers to do, husbands and wives, not mothers and sons.” Her eyes filled with tears and one leaked down her cheek. I kicked my shoes off and scooted next to her on the bed and put my arm around her.
“I love you so much mom”
“I know you do Ryan and I love you.”
“Then let me show you.”
“I can’t, we can’t, not that way.”
“Yes we can mom, we can.” I let go of her hand and put my free arm around her stomach and held her arm and pulled down on her body, trying to get her to lie on the bed. “Slide down on the bed with me mom, give yourself to me and let me love you.”
“Ryan no” she told me and used her hands against the bed to try to keep her body in a sitting position but my persistent tugging on her slowly forced her down , onto her side on the bed, she tightened her body and arched it away from me, her head against my chest. I kissed the side of her face. “I need to get up now” she said and tried to pull away from me ”
Wait a minute, not yet, let’s talk.” I told her while I held her in place.
“We have talked Ryan, and I can see you’ve made up your mind, but I haven’t.”
“You just told me you think it would be wonderful” I told her.
“No, I didn’t say wonderful, I said powerful and emotional, not wonderful. I could also say life altering and scary, horribly scary Ryan.”
” It’s not going to hurt mom.”
“Not my body maybe, but it’s been over 19 years since I’ve done it so that might not even be true, but it will certainly hurt my mind.”
“Why mom?”
“Because you are my son Ryan. Can’t you understand that? I carried you inside me when I was just a young girl and through more pain than I ever imagined possible I gave birth to you and changed your diapers and washed your little penis when I bathed you and I’m just not ready to have you put that penis back inside of me.”
“It’s not so little anymore” I told her.
“And that makes it worse because now that penis can make me pregnant.”
“I kissed her head again and said “mom, I love you, I want you.”
“Let me go Ryan and go to your room. I mean it ”
“But you said it would be powerful.”
“And it would be Ryan, but not now, maybe not ever. Let me go.” And I did. She got off the bed and stood up, her face was flushed. “Now go to bed.” she told me and I got off her bed.
“I’m sorry I made you mad mom.” I told her.
“You didn’t make me mad Ryan. I can tell how badly you want to have me and as I said, in a way it’s flattering. Just not now, not yet, maybe never, I have to think about it. It would be the most important decision I ever made in my life, and I can’t make it right now, goodnight.”
“Goodnight” I told her and went to my room. I took off my clothes and lay on my bed, naked, staring at the ceiling. I wanted to masturbate, but I hesitated. The walls in our home were thin and I thought I heard a sound from my mother’s room. I stood and put my ear to the wall and listened. It sounded like she was crying. I felt terrible. It was my fault she was sad. I tried to make her do something that was repugnant to her, but she said she thought about it and that it would be powerful and emotional, then why was she crying. I held my breath and listened intently.
She sobbed and said, “What can I do? What should I do? I know he wants me, but I’m scared, really scared.” Then her sobbing quieted and I couldn’t hear anything so I laid back down on my bed, pulled the sheet up around my waist and slowly drifted off to sleep.
I’m not sure how long I slept, but something woke me, a presence, someone sitting on the side of my bed, a hand touching my arm, a voice.
“Ryan, are you awake?”
“Yes, yes mom, what’s the matter, are you ok?”
“I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry about earlier. You bared your heart to me and I didn’t respond to you very well.”
“It’s ok mom, I shouldn’t have been such a pig.”
“You weren’t a pig Ryan. You told me how you felt, you were being honest. It just surprised me. I guess I never really understood how badly you wanted me, wanted to have me, you know, that way.”
“I’ve wanted you that way for a long time mom, I just never got the nerve to tell you before, that’s all.”In the dim room light I saw her smile weakly. Her sweet face was tear stained.
“Do you really understand what a major event that would be in my life, in both our lives, the secret that we would have to keep the rest of our lives?”
“I do mom. It’s always been you and me against everyone and everything else. We’re a team, the two of us and I just want to get as close to you as I can.”
“Well, if we had sex you would be about as close to me as you could ever get.” She was quiet for a minute and I was afraid she was going to leave and go back to her room, but she surprised me. “Can I lie down beside you for a minute?”
“Sure you can” I told her.
“I think I just need a hug” she told me and snuggled next to me. I put one arm under her neck and draped the other across her stomach and held her waist and pulled her close to me. “Thank you Ryan. This feels nice.” she said. “I’ve never had a strong man hold me like this. I had a strong man pin me down on the boiler room floor a long time ago, but it didn’t feel good like this.”
” I’m glad I’m that strong man that can make you feel good mom.”
“Me too” she murmured, “You’re my baby, my rock.”
We stayed like that for quite awhile, not speaking, just feeling the closeness of each other, but I could tell that she was thinking. I kissed the side of her face and she snuggled closer. I allowed my hand to move up and down her side, caressing her through the soft material of her nightgown, occasionally letting my palm brush lightly against the side of her breast, it was so soft. The first few times I did it she didn’t say or do anything, until I did it one more time, only slowly, allowing my hand to graze fully across her left breast, feeling her softness, my fingers nudging her nipple. I felt her inhale sharply, then she spoke softly, “Ryan, please understand, I won’t baby , I can’t.”
“Won’t what mom?” She turned slightly so that her face rested on my naked chest. I felt her kiss me softly there.
“I won’t stop you. I mean, if you want me that way, if it’s so important for you to have me, to be with me in that way I won’t stop you. I can’t help you do it with me, but if you need to have me now, you know, go ahead and do it to me, I’ll spread my legs and lay here and let you… you know, take me the way you want me.”