“Tia, Tia, Tia. TIA!”
I whisper-scream her name, turning to grab her arm. It pulls her out of the trance she’s in and she turns around, a lovesick smile on her face.
“Mhm?”
“That’s Brody.” I say, my throat tightening. I inhale sharply to prevent myself from looking like a fish out of water. Tia’s eyebrows scrunch together in confusion and she shakes her head.
“No, that’s Trent.”
I stare at her open mouthed, unable to believe one boy can dissolve so many of her brain cells.
“No, dummy! The boy next to him is Brody!” I panic, stepping into the shadows. I don’t want him to see me. I don’t want to see him.
“Holy fucking shit on a stick.” Tia gasps, her eyes widening as it finally dawns on her. I resist the urge to roll my eyes because I’m still in shock and I don’t have the ability to breathe calmly. She turns around and grabs hold of my shoulders, her mouth opening and closing. I look at her desperately, waiting for her to say something that will lower the pounding pace of my hammering heart.
“I didn’t know! You have to believe me!” Tia finally says, her tone desperate. I nod my head because I already know Tia wouldn’t do that. She knows I don’t like surprises, especially when that surprise is my freakin’ ex who I’ve been moping over for the past few weeks. The familiar feelings wash over me and I ache to be close to him again. It’s quickly ripped away by the pain in my chest and I suck in a deep breath, the panic increasing inside my chest.
“I can’t do this.” I reveal, my words coming out in a hushed tone. Tia nods but I see the disappointment flash across her eyes. The image of it causes me to wince as I realise I’m being a bad friend. She needs me by her side, to repay the favour for the endless days of picking me up. Whenever I found myself sinking into myself, Tia would pull me out of it because that’s what friends do. I inhale deeply and do something I never thought I would…
I push my fear aside for my best friend.
“Come on,” I whisper, taking hold of her hand. She looks at me confusingly and I take a step forward, squaring my shoulders up bravely. My legs shake and wobble underneath me as I walk with Tia towards their table. I can hear Trent and his friend make a joke and the sound of Brody’s laughter fills the air, freezing me in place. My gaze is fixed on the back of his head and it’s like time completely stops. His laughter rings in my ears, over and over again until I’m sucked into a trance.
“Bella, lets go. You don’t have to do this.”
I hear Tia urge me to leave but I shake my head, gritting my teeth as I force myself to spin back to reality. I have to do this. I can’t avoid him forever. I’ve been working on myself and my confidence for the past few
weeks, imagining this day. I couldn’t run away from Brody for the rest of my life. I won’t abandon my best friend when she could potentially find someone she really likes. I won’t be the same introvert Bella anymore, I’ll be strong.
“I can be strong,” I whisper to myself, ignoring how twisted up my stomach feels. Tia gives my hand a small squeeze, letting me know I can do this. I’ll always be grateful for the strength she gave me during the darkest times in my life. It’s life-changing how one friend, one good friend can make such a positive stamp in your life.
True friendship doesn’t mean having countless friends or acquaintances. True friendship is valuing a person and knowing you both share a connection. I would much rather have one friend like Tia than have a bunch of friends who didn’t care for me. Quality over quantity, a trait I recently began to believe in.
As we grow closer, the conversation stops and Trent turns to face us. His eyes land on Tia and he grins widely, blue eyes sparkling in surprise.
“Hey Trent,” Tia says shyly, her voice quiet. I urge her forward but my eyes never leave Brody. The breath is completely sucked out of my body as I see his head turning at the sound of Tia’s voice, turning towards me. It’s not too late, I can still see the exit from the corner of my eye. If I turn and run, I’ll be able to escape. My feet feel glued to the floor and I’m unable to move. His eyes finally land on me and I watch as they widen in surprise.
“Bella,” he breathes out, confusion filling his features.
Suddenly, I’m back in that hospital room again. The day that Brody broke up with me and shattered my heart into a million pieces. I remember looking into his enchanting eyes, feeling completely lost inside the swirls of his pupils. I blink a few times, my face twisting slightly from the stabs of pain I’m feeling in my heart. How is it that the pain still feels so raw?
“Hey, sit down! I thought you guys would never make it.” Trent smiles, motioning for us to sit opposite him and his friend, James. I nod politely, my throat completely dry and rid of any moisture. I finally tear my eyes off Brody, clutching onto my own hands to stop them from shaking so profusely.
Tia slides in first and I follow, sitting closer to Brody than I would have liked. His arm is resting against the table inches away from me and I can almost feel the heat radiating from his body. He looks good, really good. The colour has returned back to his cheeks and he’s wearing a light denim shirt. Underneath he has on black ripped jeans and his hair is styled a little differently than usual. It’s long strands are swept backwards into a
certain style rather than being messy and casual. The beauty and shine of his eyes have never faltered and I force myself to try and ignore his presence.
You’re here for your friend Bella, remember that.
Tia begins to chat with Trent, a warm pink tinge covering her cheeks. Her hand takes hold of mine under the table and she gives it another reassuring squeeze. I’m pretty sure she can feel my palms sweating but I continue to sit there, staring at a small spot on the table. I can feel the pounding of my heart in my ears, the vibration pulsing through my head.
“Bella.”
There it is again, his voice. I tighten my smile and glance up at him, looking anywhere but straight into his eyes. I can’t do it. I know I don’t have the strength to look straight at him and smile, act like I’m doing completely fine when I’m not. The truth is, I’m falling apart completely from simply having him so close to me.
“How have you been?” Brody asks me quietly, his eyes trying to search mine.
How have I been?
That’s what he wants to ask me?
How have I been?!
I want to scream at him that I’ve been completely miserable and broken but I don’t do that because I’m Bella. I’m Bella who remains quiet and doesn’t speak her true feelings. I’m Bella who stood back and allowed herself to be bullied for so long. I’m Bella who blurred so badly into the shadows of high school, she felt like she almost lost herself completely. I’m the girl who allowed a boy to tear her apart, spin her into a hole of darkness whilst he had no idea.
I’m Bella Winters and I don’t tell people how I really feel. So I sit there and lie through my teeth, acting like I’m on top of the freaking world. I nod my head a little too enthusiastically, controlling my breathing as best as I could.
“Y-yeah. F-f-fine.” I stutter miserably before closing my eyes. I haven’t stuttered in a while, damn it. I breathe deeply, clenching my jaw to stop myself from bursting out into tears.
“I’ve been good,” I smile tightly, trying it again. This time, my voice doesn’t waver and I sound strong. Brody’s eyes fill with sadness but he nods slowly, his lips curving up into the smallest of smiles.
“That’s really good to hear. You look, uh, good.” He says, nervously scratching the back of his head. My stomach tightens and I risk glancing up at him quickly from under my lashes. His eyes are fixated on me and for a second or two, I forget how to breathe.
“H-how are you doing?” I ask him. He chuckles quietly, his eyes dropping to his lap.
“Well, I’m in a wheelchair but I’m good, sort of.” He says uneasily. It feels like he wants to elaborate his answer but he breathes deeply, re-thinking his decision. I can’t help but feel hurt that this is how we’ve ended up.
Will things always be awkward between us?
I can’t believe that something that was once so good and addicting was now uncomfortable. The beautiful connection between us has vanished and what was left made me cringe internally.
“Have you been going to your appointments, learning to walk again?” I ask quietly. Brody looks at me intently for a second, his face emotionless. He opens his mouth to respond, his words blunt.
“Sometimes.”
Just like that, he shuts himself off again.
I nod slowly, my throat running dry. I stand up slowly, my legs shaking underneath me unsteadily. Beside me, Tia reaches out to take hold of my arm. Her face is twisted up in worry and concern as her eyes flit between Brody and I.
“Is everything okay Bella?”
Silence fills the tables and I smile tightly, my cheeks straining from the effort. I can feel the tears forming in my eyes but I blink them back, stepping out of the booth.
“Yeah, I’m going to head outside for a minute.”
I turn around and walk away, heading for the exit. The entire way, I continue to focus on my breathing because I’m scared I’ll have a panic attack. I can’t do that, not here. I swing open the door and the cold air hits me, causingme to shiver instantly. Despite how icy the temperature is, it loosens the hold on my chest and I’m finally able to breathe again. I lean against the brick wall of the building, resting my hands on my knees and leaning forward.
The sound of the bell ringing fills the silence and I turn to find the door opening slowly. “Bella, can we talk?”
Brody appears, his features full of guilt. The sight of him once caused my stomach to explode with butterflies but all I feel now is nausea. That alone, saddens me.
I respond back with a simple nod of my head.