“I die?” My voice is barely a whisper. I’m horrified, so in order for them to make me like them they have to kill me first.
“We will make it quick.” Tobias tries to reassure me.
Make it quick, who the fuck is he kidding? I’m not willing to make that sacrifice. What if it doesn’t work, then I’m just dead? Who, in their right mind, would agree to dying to be with someone?
“No.” I say, shoving him back and getting out.
“No? That’s your answer?” Tobias asks, stepping out of the shower behind me and grabbing a towel.
“Exactly what I said. No.”
I can’t believe how fucked up this is, either way I die. I don’t change, I die; I change, I die. I can’t believe they expect me to be okay with any of this. I don’t want to die, especially at their hands.
“Either way the options are death, just choose the one where you get to come back, Imogen be reasonable.”
Be reasonable, is this fucker for real? There is nothing reasonable about dying. Once you’re dead, you’re dead, there isn’t meant to be a way back from the dead. If there is, my mother would still be here.
I walk out of the bathroom, and into the bedroom before pulling on some clothes. The sun is starting to break through outside, the bedroom not even needing the light on to see anymore. Looks like no sleep for me now. I pull on a sweater dress before walking downstairs. I can hear Tobias following me around silently. Going to the kitchen, I flick the kettle on before grabbing some mugs.
I grab three out before Tobias speaks. “Don’t bother making Theo one, I’m not sure when he will be back.”
I wonder where he went, to think he told me not to run from confrontation, yet he has left the place completely – hypocrite. I make my coffee before walking out the back. The sun has turned the sky orange and red as the light moves between the mountains, surrounding the place.
“You want to talk about it?”
“Nope, I have given my answer, Tobias. We don’t need to talk about anything.” I state before walking over to mom’s rose bush.
I see Tobias walk back inside before I sit down on the concrete path. What would mom think about all this? I wonder, as I stare at the blooming bush. I know she would have told them to get fucked, probably even smack them one. I smile just thinking about it. She was a tough woman; she never would have allowed me to get into this mess I have found myself in. Would she be ashamed of the life I live now? I know she wouldn’t be, but I still question myself. I lay down on the concrete, looking up at the sky.
It’s beautiful out here, quiet but I can also feel the loneliness of being here. Sometimes, quiet can be too much, deafening even. Being left to your own thoughts constantly can do some serious damage, if you don’t have the right mindset.
My mindset. The one that makes you question everything, including yourself. Every decision you make, everything you have ever said, everything you have done. Yes, the mind can be a dangerous place to be trapped in. Is that why mom didn’t wake up? Was she just trapped in her own mind, lost, not able to find her way back or was she gone already?
These are some of the thoughts that have been playing through my mind since the accident. That I wasn’t enough for her to come back, for her to stay.
I sniffle, hot tears run down into my hairline, so I close my eyes.
“Tears won’t bring her back, tears won’t fix anything, they are weak, don’t let anyone see you’re weak.” I mentally scold myself. My tears dry up as I become angered by my own weakness.
I stare up at the sky blankly, clearing my mind of everything, just focusing on my own breathing. The air is crisp, I can smell the flowers, the roses. The air is that clear out here, no pollution. No hustle and bustle, just tranquility. I know that tranquility will eventually send me crazy, I’ve never been one for quiet and calm. My thoughts out here are already becoming as destructive as my life. They are both going to send me insane.
I sit up, I need to get out of here. I need to find a way to get away from them. But can I really leave them? Can I walk away and not look back? What are my options, besides death, or death. I have to try.
Getting up, I walk inside. Tobias is in a blue suit, “Work?” He nods his head. I walk over and do up his tie, maybe this is my chance. “What about Theo?”
“He is already there.” I don’t bother to ask how he knows that information. But I’m glad he won’t be coming back anytime soon.
“Can I come?” If I don’t ask, he will know something is up.
I know the answer before I ask it. “No, Imogen, not today. Let Theo calm down, we will talk when we get home.”
I nod, watching as he grabs his keys and kisses the top of my head. “Get some sleep.” Then, he walks out the door before stopping. I walk up stairs, pretending to go to bed. He turns and calls out to me. “What are you thinking about right now?”
“Going to bed. Why?”
“Nothing, your emotions are all over the place. I can stay, if you like.”
“No, I am just going to bed, go to work. I will be fine, promise.”
He stares for a few seconds before walking out the door. As soon as I can no longer see his car out the bedroom window, I start chucking my things in a bag. I know if I follow the driveway, it will lead me to the dirt road heading towards the city. I just need to get to my car, then, I can leave the city, hopefully before they get home. They said we are only half an hour away from the city, so hopefully that means an hour or a little more on foot.