Finn listened to Hamish cough and thought to himself, Hamish is already thirty-five years old this year, and he still has not escaped his fate. After Elisa’s death, he remembered Elisa’s words to live a good life.
He is still alive, but every day he smokes and drinks excessively, young in age but his lungs aging like an old man.
His whole life amounted to only thirty-six years.
“Hamish, are you afraid of death?”
“Not afraid, what’s more hopeless than death is to not live.”
“Do you want to die?” Finn asked.
“I do, every minute and every second I want to go see her, but she doesn’t want me to die, nor does she want to see me.” The “her” in Hamish’s words was Elisa.
Elisa hated Hamish, just like Aoife hated him, thinking that the person she could see after death might not actually be seen.
“We, people like us, often do not cherish easily obtained things and only regret losing them, wanting to forcibly return everything back to its original state, but end up pushing people farther away, starting over and over, feeling unwilling and full of regret.”
Hamish listened to Finn’s words as he fell into deep thought, taking a cigarette and lighter out of his pocket, lighting it up, taking a puff, and exhaling.
The cigarette smoke dissipated with the wind, and Hamish started coughing after two puffs, they say smoking is to dispel worries, but Hamish seemed to be torturing himself to die faster.
“Smoke less…”
“It’s useless, I’m already sick.”
Finn was taken aback, “If you want to get treatment, I can research medicine…”
“No need, I’m just waiting for this day, I can’t endure it anymore, I’ve endured so many years, now it’s your turn to endure, Finn, it’s time for you to face the consequences, you still have two children, raise them well.” Hamish looked at the photo of Aoife on the tombstone, suddenly recalling something, his eyes filled with sorrow.
“I used to think Elisa was quite ruthless, not only to others but also to herself, now in comparison, I think Aoife is even more ruthless. A woman’s ruthlessness is often forced out of her, Finn, how did you force her to give birth to children and choose to give them up?”
Aoife should have lived a better life, if she hadn’t met Finn, maybe she would have become a screenwriter by now, the money she earned through work could also have sent her to university, living out a simple and ordinary life.
“Don’t talk about me, you made a woman die in a fire, Elisa’s death was to retaliate against you.” There was mockery in the words, yet the tone was calm, devoid of emotion.
Hamish hoarsely said, “She succeeded.”
“Aoife also succeeded,” Finn asked, “I have a question for you.”
Hamish put down the cigarette and looked at Finn, awaiting his next words.
“If Elisa were still alive and with someone else, what would you do?”
“I would feel resentful, I would be reluctant to let go, I would be unwilling, I would be aggrieved, but all these emotions combined are nothing compared to feeling fortunate. If she were still alive, I would be willing to trade my entire life of unfulfilled desires for her happiness. I want to see her in a wedding dress walking towards her happiness; I let her go, as long as she’s alive, as long as she spends the rest of her life well, happy.” Hamish smiled bitterly, his eyes sore and unbearable, an image suddenly appeared in his mind, Elisa running towards her happiness with her skirt lifted.
And he, standing lonely behind her in an inconspicuous corner, from feeling unwilling to gradually letting go.
Under the warm sun and cool breeze, the cicadas sang tirelessly.
“Unfortunately… there are no ‘ifs’.” Hamish’s smile on his face was more repulsive than tears, “Looking at myself now, even disgusts me.”
After listening to Hamish’s words, Finn couldn’t discern whether this life was the past life or the next life, or another dimension in a parallel world? But the outcome was the same, in both lives, he lost Aoife.
As Hamish left, he glanced at Finn kneeling on the ground, wiping Aoife’s photo on the tombstone with a tissue meticulously, he may have been wiping the cold tombstone, but his movements and his gaze made it seem like he was wiping Aoife herself.
After Hamish left, Finn sat tiredly by the tombstone, leaning his head against it. Every day, he would spend some time here telling Aoife about what their two children were up to.
For instance, today Lorelei wet the bed and peed on Ethan.
The two children listened to the songs that Elisa sang on the phone every day, and now they could even mimic the tunes and sing along.
Finn took out the baby’s breath flowers from his bag and carefully placed them in front of the tombstone.
“Time passes by so fast, the baby’s breath flowers have withered.” Aoife, I miss you.
As the sky darkened, Finn stood up unsteadily, smiling at the photo of Aoife, “I’ll come visit you again tomorrow, when the two children can come along.”
Finn returned home, decontaminating himself and then went to see the two children, first holding his daughter and then his son.
The two children beamed with joy upon seeing their father, Finn prepared milk for them skillfully, his hand holding the bottle was elegant and clean, but his knuckles were curled up, hinting at a sense of loneliness.
The weather was warm, Finn asked the doctor if he could take the two children outside.
“Where do you want to take them?”
“To the graveyard, I want them to see Aoife.”
“You can take them out, the weather is warm today, don’t worry, both children have normal health indicators now, just watch out for any allergies, and come to the hospital if there are any problems.”
Finn nodded, indicating that he understood.
This time, Finn took the two children with him, the driver drove them, accompanied by Linda, the car was filled with baby supplies.
The two children were going out on a trip for the first time, they didn’t sleep in the car, their eyes wide open looking around.
Upon getting off the car, Finn carried the two children, with Linda pushing the stroller behind him. Upon entering, Finn could see a tall and a small figure from a distance.
This time, it was Louis who came to the graveyard. Hamish had his own reasons for coming here, but why was Louis here? Could he also have memories of the past life?
Louis stood straight in front of Aoife’s grave, his gaze downward, looking at the photo of Aoife on the tombstone, her name… twenty-two years old, a short and absurd life.
Louis did not know Aoife, and he did not understand why he was here. He was simply a irrelevant person, but standing in front of this tombstone, he suddenly felt very sad, his breathing heavy.
At thirty-four, Louis still hadn’t met anyone he liked, he adopted a girl from an orphanage, and named her Elsa.
Remembering kindness, not forgetting the original intention.
But is that really the only meaning? Louis didn’t know, he always felt that there was someone very important in his life, someone he had forgotten and could never meet again.