“Go back, I’ll buy you your favorite milk tea when I come back,” Finn sat in the car, waving at Aoife.
Watching Finn go far away, Aoife stood by the gate leaning against the wall. The cesarean section scar on her belly hadn’t healed completely, and it was aching faintly.
“Miss Powell, go back.”
Linda reached out to support her, and Aoife lowered her head, following Linda inside. She then sat next to the two children. She had never held them; it was always Linda who carried and fed them, while she watched them from the side, occasionally touching their little hands with hers.
She didn’t dare to get too close; she was afraid that once she got close, she wouldn’t bear to leave.
The faces of the two children had already lost their initial flush, their small faces were white and tender. Listening to Aoife sing, they still smiled.
“Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are…”
“The stars above do not speak, the children on earth long for their mothers…”
While singing children’s songs to the two kids, Aoife always included the word “star.” She loved stars, planting flowers under the starry sky, watching stars outside at night.
Thinking about finishing their milk and listening to songs before sleeping, Aoife quietly looked on, extending her hands to touch the babies’ hands. It seemed there was a connection as the two children held their mother’s hand tightly, like clutching onto two straws.
In a hoarse voice, she said, “Darlings, be good and listen to mommy. I will be with you here… In the future, I will watch over you from the sky, watching you grow slowly, learn to walk, go to school, make friends, fall in love, get married, have children… Promise mommy, even if mommy is not here, you must be happy.” With each sentence, her voice grew lower, ending with a choked breath.
During lunch, Aoife had no appetite and only drank some soup.
Seeing her look weary, Linda assisted her upstairs to sleep.
Aoife took a nap every noon, sleeping for a long time, almost an hour. At this time, the housekeeper would not disturb her, only until nearing the time would they go and wake her.
Today was just like any ordinary day.
Aoife obediently got into bed and covered herself with a blanket, saying, “Good afternoon,” to Linda.
“Good afternoon, Miss Powell.”
Carefully tucking her in, Linda saw her close her eyes and then went downstairs to attend to other matters.
Hearing the bedroom door close, Aoife, who had shut her eyes, suddenly opened them, counting silently in her mind the passing time. About three minutes later, she sat up.
The curtains in the bedroom were drawn, dimming the light. At this hour, no one would disturb her.
She stood by the window, looking down to see the sky full of stars planted in the yard. It was already July, the season when the stars usually bloomed in June, but they hadn’t bloomed yet. She really had no time to wait for them to bloom.
Aoife’s eyes were no longer hazy as before. She had been naive, mistaking Finn for Ethan, obediently staying by his side, foolishly following him like a little tail.
That night, watching Finn play the piano, the dusty memories gradually resurfaced. She gradually became clear-headed, remembering everything.
Without crying, arguing, causing a scene, resenting, or hating… She was calm, like water after boiling, gradually turning cold amid the chaotic memories.
Before, she had at least been an actress. Acting like a fool next to Finn had almost exhausted all her acting skills. She had been waiting, always waiting for the birth of the child…
There was nothing in the bedroom. Perhaps Finn was afraid she would hurt herself, so all sharp objects were removed, even the water in the yard was drained, and bars were added to the windows to prevent her from falling.
Aoife placed her hand on the window, breathing out a sigh, and wrote “Ethan” on it with a trembling hand. As she finished the last stroke, tears streamed down her face.
“I’m sorry…” How could she forget Ethan? Who was Ethan? The light that always guided me home.
He promised her a home, but when he left, there was no longer a home for her.
Aoife dragged out the suitcase from under the bed. This suitcase was originally left in the small apartment she bought.
When Finn took her abroad and she fell into depression, he brought the suitcase out. The tattered suitcase had changed color, with a combination lock covered in dust. Finn never bothered to go through Aoife’s things; this suitcase had always been by her side. He had peeked inside before, seeing several books.
Finn wasn’t interested in these things. If he had opened them out of curiosity, he would have discovered Aoife’s dreams inside-her aspirations for the future. She had handwritten several novels, and the male characters’ appearances mostly matched Finn’s.
If Finn had seen these, he would have known how much Aoife loved him back then.
Aoife carefully carried the suitcase into the bathroom, filling the bathtub with water. She took out the notebook from the suitcase and shredded each page, dissolving them into the water. She also tore her diary and did the same before filling the bathtub.
After the tub was filled, Aoife returned to the bedroom, holding onto the bedsheet. She sat in the bathtub, the cold water making her shiver uncontrollably. As her body gradually slipped down, she lay down, looking up at the ceiling.
People who want to die, no matter how many times they are saved, will eventually find a way to end their lives.
Like a pet rabbit dying, Aoife was also going to die. The stars in the sky would not bloom, just as Aoife’s life could not move forward.
Aoife pulled the blanket on the floor into the water, making it heavy and soaking. She covered her head with the blanket, inching down little by little. The water flowed over her mouth, then her nose, and the blanket on her head became heavier as if pressing her head down with force.
Her ears buzzed loudly, and being in the water, she naturally held her breath. After enduring for about ten seconds, one would involuntarily open their mouth, choking on water. Tears flowed continuously, and Aoife tasted the salty bitterness, struggling instinctively. Her hands gripped the soaking blanket that pressed over her head tightly; her knuckles turned white, and a variety of images flashed through her mind.
Every image felt like it happened yesterday: the days of being oppressed by her family, her grandmother’s careful nurturing, her grandmother dying from a snake bite-losing the first person who loved her. She recalled the first time she had seen Finn.
“Hello, Mr. Snearl. I am Aoife.”
The pure and innocent Aoife had eventually turned muddled and unclear, unable to recognize people…
Suffocating slowly in the bathtub, one couldn’t control the struggles in the water, sinking deeper and deeper into the quagmire while in a daze.
Finn had underestimated her determination to “commit suicide.” No knife, no medicine-so what? She drowned herself with the blanket, suffocating herself to death on that day.
They say that when people die, they think of the most important person in their life. Ironically, on that day, all Aoife could think of was Finn.
“Finn, keep your promise to me. Be a good father, accompany the children as they grow up. You cannot die; death is too kind for you. Living on is the revenge for you. I curse you to live a long and lonely life.”
A broken soul, a battered body, a lost heart. If she still loved Finn, she would have to continue acting like a fool, but she was tired. She didn’t want to play the fool anymore, especially with so many wounds between them that love couldn’t heal.
Before dawn, there was darkness. After darkness comes the light of dawn. The sun sets, and the cold winter welcomes spring. The late-blooming stars will eventually bloom, everything will renew, but old wounds cannot be healed.
“Finn, you and I are clear from now on. From now on, I’ll cross my own Naihe Bridge, and you’ll walk your sunny path. From now on… No more ties between us.”
“Ethan, this time I’m really coming to find you.”
Aoife had suffered too much in her life. She had always wanted a home, one of her own. Yet, even in death, she had no home…
If there really was a next life, she hoped for a small house, which didn’t need to be big-just enough to shelter her from the wind and rain.
Lost in her thoughts, she saw Ethan reaching out to her. Starlight twinkled in his eyes. “Aoife, I want to give you a home.”
“Yes, in the next life, you must keep your promise.”
As Aoife kept pondering, her convulsing legs gradually quieted. Her arms sank into the water, which was her final struggle before death.